On Friday my daughter introduced me to the video game Blur. Off and on over the weekend I drove through various tracks, shooting cars, earning fans and unlocking events. It's a fun game.
So far (in my limited experience with the game), there are 3 types of cars you can drive and they correlate perfectly to our relationships.
Drifty. In the game, cars with rear wheel drive are better for drifting around corners. In life, this is one of the most deadly relationship issues. Two people in love develop patterns in their relationship and over time because less involved in each other's life and slowly drift apart. The new behaviour becomes the norm, and is acceptable and hardly noticed. You wake up one day months later, to find that you aren't the same couple any more.
Grippy. In Blur, grippy cars handle the curves better. In life, if you're too grippy you can be over bearing and controlling. Give some space, be a good partner. Have and 'hold', yes - but be careful not to lose your individuality.
Balanced. In the game, these cars are not too grippy and not too drifty. They're a little harder to drive, but perform well. Just like your relationship. Being balanced will take some extra work - but it is WAY worth it down the road. Balanced relationships are healthy and last. In this blog and in the book that I'm developing, the focus is on doing things in balance.
I want to talk more about drifting tomorrow, because it is THAT important.
Stay in touch - Happy Memorial Day.
Mark
Monday, May 31, 2010
Friday, May 28, 2010
Surprise Her
Here's an assignment for the men. I want you to do something out of left field for your wife / partner. Anything. You pick. It just has to be a surprise.
Need some ideas you say? Sure.
1. Send her flowers at work - (she'll be the envy of her co-workers).
2. Pick up flowers and a card on your way home from work. Ring the doorbell and leave the flowers on the step. (Be sure to sign it).
3. Take her to lunch.
4. Pamper her with a foot massage tonight after work.
5. Offer to take her shopping for that "thing" she's talked about getting.
Let me talk about #5 for a minute. This is an excellent idea for several reasons.
First, it shows that you've been paying attention during those times that she's talked about getting whatever it is. It also shows that you care enough to initiate getting it. Taking her to get it gives you time together, for something she's interested in. It's a win-win-win.
Guys - periodically adding these little surprises into your life, really goes a long way to make her smile and keep things fresh.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Need some ideas you say? Sure.
1. Send her flowers at work - (she'll be the envy of her co-workers).
2. Pick up flowers and a card on your way home from work. Ring the doorbell and leave the flowers on the step. (Be sure to sign it).
3. Take her to lunch.
4. Pamper her with a foot massage tonight after work.
5. Offer to take her shopping for that "thing" she's talked about getting.
Let me talk about #5 for a minute. This is an excellent idea for several reasons.
First, it shows that you've been paying attention during those times that she's talked about getting whatever it is. It also shows that you care enough to initiate getting it. Taking her to get it gives you time together, for something she's interested in. It's a win-win-win.
Guys - periodically adding these little surprises into your life, really goes a long way to make her smile and keep things fresh.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Work it Out Dawg...Work it Out.
In honor of the season finale of American Idol, I'm just "keepin it real" as Randy Jackson would say.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard a scenario like this:
A woman writes: "I separated from my husband last September after being married a short time, with a now 2yr old son. I left because I was sick of being ill treated and knew I didn't deserve it and nor did my son need to witness it. When I left there was no "we can work it out", " I love you", nothing to try and even get me back."
Now that she's gone, guess what? He's "changed". NOW...he wants her back.
If you're in a relationship that is going through significant bumps - work it out.
Don't be stubborn. If you are being told (over and over) that a specific character trait or habit is negatively affecting the relationship - change BEFORE she leaves.
Don't be a flash in the pan and change for a day or two...or a week. Work at it. If there is a character flaw, work to fix it and keep it fixed. Work it out dawg, come on now - bring it.
Stay in touch -
Mark
I can't tell you how many times I've heard a scenario like this:
A woman writes: "I separated from my husband last September after being married a short time, with a now 2yr old son. I left because I was sick of being ill treated and knew I didn't deserve it and nor did my son need to witness it. When I left there was no "we can work it out", " I love you", nothing to try and even get me back."
Now that she's gone, guess what? He's "changed". NOW...he wants her back.
If you're in a relationship that is going through significant bumps - work it out.
Don't be stubborn. If you are being told (over and over) that a specific character trait or habit is negatively affecting the relationship - change BEFORE she leaves.
Don't be a flash in the pan and change for a day or two...or a week. Work at it. If there is a character flaw, work to fix it and keep it fixed. Work it out dawg, come on now - bring it.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Communicating Effectively
We're continuing our discussion on communication. For this little series, we have a running scenario of a wife who wants a deck, and a husband who doesn't.
Here are a couple of examples of how not to handle the conversation:
Don't defer the conversation by promising to do something that you have no intention of doing. Don’t say “I’ll call the contractor next week to get an estimate” if you don’t intend to do it.
Don’t be insulting or degrading. If you were to take the “I don’t want a deck” comment from yesterday and insert words like “stupid” or “ugly” or escalate the conversation by inserting profanity, then your message changes for the worse. Saying “I don’t want the stupid deck” is projecting a degrading message, not to the deck, but to your partner. You are calling her idea stupid. Not a good plan.
Cursing sends a different message, but not a whole lot better. “I don’t want that #@%#%$# deck…” indicates that you’re really angry about the idea, and that isn’t the kind of conversation I’m advocating. When you project anger, the conversation can very easily turn into an argument as she responds to your anger, with anger. There’s no need to attempt to hurt anyone’s feelings here. You are partners, on the same team remember?
Stay in touch -
Mark
Here are a couple of examples of how not to handle the conversation:
Don't defer the conversation by promising to do something that you have no intention of doing. Don’t say “I’ll call the contractor next week to get an estimate” if you don’t intend to do it.
Don’t be insulting or degrading. If you were to take the “I don’t want a deck” comment from yesterday and insert words like “stupid” or “ugly” or escalate the conversation by inserting profanity, then your message changes for the worse. Saying “I don’t want the stupid deck” is projecting a degrading message, not to the deck, but to your partner. You are calling her idea stupid. Not a good plan.
Cursing sends a different message, but not a whole lot better. “I don’t want that #@%#%$# deck…” indicates that you’re really angry about the idea, and that isn’t the kind of conversation I’m advocating. When you project anger, the conversation can very easily turn into an argument as she responds to your anger, with anger. There’s no need to attempt to hurt anyone’s feelings here. You are partners, on the same team remember?
Stay in touch -
Mark
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Don't Be a Code-Talker
I suppose that if I was writing a blog about my own pet peeves, this would be one of the first things written. It really ticks me off, regardless if it’s in the home or office, when people don’t say what they mean. Don’t drop hints, or speak in code and expect me to understand what you mean. Particularly on important topics – please, say what you mean. I understand that there is a specific skill set required to do this and if you don’t communicate well, it could lead to some misunderstandings and arguments, so let’s go over a few tips before I get you into trouble.
For this section we’ll use a scenario where a husband and wife are disagreeing over building a deck with a hot tub in their back yard. She wants it, he doesn’t.
Understand your message. Before you can communicate what you are thinking, it’s important for you to understand it yourself. Know why you feel how you do and be prepared to speak in plane, non-offensive language. He might say “I don’t want the deck because it’s going to take up too much of our back yard.” While she might say “I want the deck because it will give us a great looking place to entertain, and how the house looks is really important to me.” Both of these are valid points and communicate clearly what each person wants.
More communications 101 tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
For this section we’ll use a scenario where a husband and wife are disagreeing over building a deck with a hot tub in their back yard. She wants it, he doesn’t.
Understand your message. Before you can communicate what you are thinking, it’s important for you to understand it yourself. Know why you feel how you do and be prepared to speak in plane, non-offensive language. He might say “I don’t want the deck because it’s going to take up too much of our back yard.” While she might say “I want the deck because it will give us a great looking place to entertain, and how the house looks is really important to me.” Both of these are valid points and communicate clearly what each person wants.
More communications 101 tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Monday, May 24, 2010
Expressway to Your Heart
Arguably, one of the greatest songs of the sixties - by the Soul Survivors.
I've been trying to get to you for a long time, cuz constantly you've been on my mind. I was thinking of a shortcut I could take. But it seems like I made a mistake.
Ooo I was wrong, took too long.
I got caught in the rush hour and fellas started to shower
you with love and affection, now you won't look my direction.
The problem is - he waited too long and got caught in traffic.
So, what's the traffic in your relationship?
Boredom?
Complacency?
Same old routine?
Material things?
Career?
Traffic is anything that gets in the way of you two connecting.
Get off the expressway. Take some back roads and connect. Don't wait until rush hour - it will be too late.
Stay in touch -
Mark
I've been trying to get to you for a long time, cuz constantly you've been on my mind. I was thinking of a shortcut I could take. But it seems like I made a mistake.
Ooo I was wrong, took too long.
I got caught in the rush hour and fellas started to shower
you with love and affection, now you won't look my direction.
The problem is - he waited too long and got caught in traffic.
So, what's the traffic in your relationship?
Boredom?
Complacency?
Same old routine?
Material things?
Career?
Traffic is anything that gets in the way of you two connecting.
Get off the expressway. Take some back roads and connect. Don't wait until rush hour - it will be too late.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Friday, May 21, 2010
100th Post: What's This All About?
It's hard to believe, but this is my 100th post to this blog. I was looking back through the previous posts and I thought I'd recap what it's been about.
We've shared tips on:
Learning from our mistakes.
Being more romantic.
Being a better partner.
Relationship killers.
Pet Peeves.
How to apologize.
Why we cheat.
We've learned from Tiger, Phil Mickelson and the Beatles.
We've learned a little bit about what women want.
But why? Why am I writing this blog? Well, like many successful ventures - it's a win-win scenario. The win for you is - you're getting really useful information that, if you apply it - will change your relationship for the better.
The win for me is, I'm developing information that I need for my book. "A Few ^MORE Good Men" is the working title of a book that covers much of what we've been talking about for the past 99 posts.
What's Working:
Readers. A solid number of your are reading the blog every day. Some of you catch up and read several pages at once. Either way - thanks for participating.
What's Not Working:
Your feedback. People tell me that it's cumbersome to leave comments on this site. I'd have to take that up with blogger.com - and there isn't much I can do about it. For those of you coming in through my Facebook page, you can leave your comments there. I will also be adding a separate email address for comments.
Sharing. While the numbers (of people viewing the page) are good, I would like more. Please share my posts with your friends on Facebook or via email.
What's Changing:
I will be focusing a little more on writing the book (I haven't touched it in 2 months), which means there may be more information requests from you as I explore different topics.
I have a few other ideas too.
Stay in touch -
Mark
We've shared tips on:
Learning from our mistakes.
Being more romantic.
Being a better partner.
Relationship killers.
Pet Peeves.
How to apologize.
Why we cheat.
We've learned from Tiger, Phil Mickelson and the Beatles.
We've learned a little bit about what women want.
But why? Why am I writing this blog? Well, like many successful ventures - it's a win-win scenario. The win for you is - you're getting really useful information that, if you apply it - will change your relationship for the better.
The win for me is, I'm developing information that I need for my book. "A Few ^MORE Good Men" is the working title of a book that covers much of what we've been talking about for the past 99 posts.
What's Working:
Readers. A solid number of your are reading the blog every day. Some of you catch up and read several pages at once. Either way - thanks for participating.
What's Not Working:
Your feedback. People tell me that it's cumbersome to leave comments on this site. I'd have to take that up with blogger.com - and there isn't much I can do about it. For those of you coming in through my Facebook page, you can leave your comments there. I will also be adding a separate email address for comments.
Sharing. While the numbers (of people viewing the page) are good, I would like more. Please share my posts with your friends on Facebook or via email.
What's Changing:
I will be focusing a little more on writing the book (I haven't touched it in 2 months), which means there may be more information requests from you as I explore different topics.
I have a few other ideas too.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Thursday, May 20, 2010
Work / Life Balance
This is one of those new phrases that has come on the scene recently, but it's a concept that has impacted many a relationship for a long time. It's hard, especially in tough economic times, to have a balance between the time we put in at work and the time we spend at home. And it's not just about the number of hours involved, its about the quality of that time.
As a consultant, I have worked with several companies whose culture is work, work, work. They expect 50 - 70 hours a week from their employees - and the phone rings all night long. To them, this is normal. To me, it's insanity.
I understand the need to work and to be successful on the job. But at what cost? Here are a few signs that you might be out of balance between work and life:
1. You are routinely obsessed about work, thinking about the project, worried about deadlines.
2. You feel guilty for having down time. You feel as if you should be working.
3. You feel your work is the most important thing in your life.
4. All you talk about with your partner is work.
5. You don't pay attention to things around the house, including the kids, your wife and your responsibilities.
Let's clarify a couple of these points.
It's fine to talk about your work. My wife and I share experiences, pressures, difficulties and funny stories from our work. There is nothing wrong with that. But - - - if that's all you can talk about fluently, dude - seriously - you're out of balance.
If you're neglecting things at home, you need to refocus. Neglecting things can be putting off important tasks, being too tired to play with the kids or your wife, being cranky because you're worn out, not being focused while you're home, etc.
It's about balance. Do well at work. But never lose sight of your priorities at home. Don't make your job your #1 priority, because the company cannot return the sentiment. Your wife on the other hand...can.
Stay in touch -
Mark
As a consultant, I have worked with several companies whose culture is work, work, work. They expect 50 - 70 hours a week from their employees - and the phone rings all night long. To them, this is normal. To me, it's insanity.
I understand the need to work and to be successful on the job. But at what cost? Here are a few signs that you might be out of balance between work and life:
1. You are routinely obsessed about work, thinking about the project, worried about deadlines.
2. You feel guilty for having down time. You feel as if you should be working.
3. You feel your work is the most important thing in your life.
4. All you talk about with your partner is work.
5. You don't pay attention to things around the house, including the kids, your wife and your responsibilities.
Let's clarify a couple of these points.
It's fine to talk about your work. My wife and I share experiences, pressures, difficulties and funny stories from our work. There is nothing wrong with that. But - - - if that's all you can talk about fluently, dude - seriously - you're out of balance.
If you're neglecting things at home, you need to refocus. Neglecting things can be putting off important tasks, being too tired to play with the kids or your wife, being cranky because you're worn out, not being focused while you're home, etc.
It's about balance. Do well at work. But never lose sight of your priorities at home. Don't make your job your #1 priority, because the company cannot return the sentiment. Your wife on the other hand...can.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Pay Attention!
Guys, do you want to know something that will really turn on your wife or girlfriend? Pay attention to things she says or shows interest in, then surprise her later by doing something based on that interest.
Let's say she mentions a show that's coming to town. You could ask her on the spot if she wants to go, or you can go get the tickets and surprise her with them.
Pay attention to what she shows interest in while you're out shopping. The next time her birthday rolls around, you'll have a head start on what to get her. And let me just say, getting her a gift because of something she mentioned in passing several months back - is really a good way to impress her with your new skills.
Listen to her. Pay attention to what she says she likes (and dislikes) and act accordingly.
This is a basic building block of your relationship. This skill applies to virtually every aspect of your life. If you listen, pay attention and put it into action - your wow factor will rise like crazy! It applies to gift giving, doing things together, pitching in with help around the house, sex, dining - and on and on the list goes.
It's a great skill to learn. Pay attention...and act on what you learn!
Stay in touch -
Mark
Let's say she mentions a show that's coming to town. You could ask her on the spot if she wants to go, or you can go get the tickets and surprise her with them.
Pay attention to what she shows interest in while you're out shopping. The next time her birthday rolls around, you'll have a head start on what to get her. And let me just say, getting her a gift because of something she mentioned in passing several months back - is really a good way to impress her with your new skills.
Listen to her. Pay attention to what she says she likes (and dislikes) and act accordingly.
This is a basic building block of your relationship. This skill applies to virtually every aspect of your life. If you listen, pay attention and put it into action - your wow factor will rise like crazy! It applies to gift giving, doing things together, pitching in with help around the house, sex, dining - and on and on the list goes.
It's a great skill to learn. Pay attention...and act on what you learn!
Stay in touch -
Mark
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Being Romantic...A Primer
I think that some guys rank being romantic right up there with Athlete's Foot and Jock Itch. Not really something we'd sign up for voluntarily. But, our partners want romance.
I've mentioned this stat before, but in a survey done in 2008 by Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide, 76% of the 1001 adults surveyed said that wanted more romance.
Just over half of the respondents (52%) said that romance is completely missing from their relationship.
So, here are five quick, easy and painless ideas for increasing the romance in your relationship and increasing the Wow Factor!
1. Take her in your arms for no reason in the middle of the day and kiss her and tell her that you love her.
2. Send a bouquet of flowers to her at work.
3. Write "I love you" in the steamed up mirror while she's in the shower.
4. Touch her. Hold her hand, rub her feet, whatever. Touching is good.
5. Write her a note or card. Use your words. Tell her how much she means to you. Take several days to write the card if necessary.
See....that didn't hurt.
Be more romantic guys, it's worth the effort.
Stay in touch -
Mark
I've mentioned this stat before, but in a survey done in 2008 by Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide, 76% of the 1001 adults surveyed said that wanted more romance.
Just over half of the respondents (52%) said that romance is completely missing from their relationship.
So, here are five quick, easy and painless ideas for increasing the romance in your relationship and increasing the Wow Factor!
1. Take her in your arms for no reason in the middle of the day and kiss her and tell her that you love her.
2. Send a bouquet of flowers to her at work.
3. Write "I love you" in the steamed up mirror while she's in the shower.
4. Touch her. Hold her hand, rub her feet, whatever. Touching is good.
5. Write her a note or card. Use your words. Tell her how much she means to you. Take several days to write the card if necessary.
See....that didn't hurt.
Be more romantic guys, it's worth the effort.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Friday, May 14, 2010
Let the Words Escape
This one's for my wife.
Let the Words Escape, from Chris Rice.
Our wedding song.
Love, how did I find you
Was I even breathing before I knew your name
Who could ever have planned this
Arranged a whole planet to all turn out this way.
Hey, only Heaven knows
The dreams behind these things I'm asking
Even our angels look surprised
To bump their wings in passing
I love you
How can I say,
I love you
Let The Words Escape
Though you snuck up behind me
I thought I was hiding
But oh how I fell for you
My heart beats double inside me
As I learn to love it
Say my prayers for two
Hey, only Heaven saw
The tears I cried
On the day I met you
If the whole world goes wrong
I'll don a cape
And fly to your rescue
Because I love you
How can I say,
I love you
Let the words escape
Let the words escape
Let the words escape
Stay in touch -
Mark
Let the Words Escape, from Chris Rice.
Our wedding song.
Love, how did I find you
Was I even breathing before I knew your name
Who could ever have planned this
Arranged a whole planet to all turn out this way.
Hey, only Heaven knows
The dreams behind these things I'm asking
Even our angels look surprised
To bump their wings in passing
I love you
How can I say,
I love you
Let The Words Escape
Though you snuck up behind me
I thought I was hiding
But oh how I fell for you
My heart beats double inside me
As I learn to love it
Say my prayers for two
Hey, only Heaven saw
The tears I cried
On the day I met you
If the whole world goes wrong
I'll don a cape
And fly to your rescue
Because I love you
How can I say,
I love you
Let the words escape
Let the words escape
Let the words escape
Stay in touch -
Mark
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Things Men Should Know
I know a man who is a vice president in a large retail company. He has a short fuse and "loses it" on a fairly regular basis. Wanna know what pushes his buttons? When he get frustrated because someone on his staff should know something, and doesn't.
I wonder how often that happens in our relationships. Our wives or girlfriends get really frustrated with us when we aren't paying attention, don't remember things or don't know things we should.
So I thought I'd give you a list of things women want us to know. It's not comprehensive. It doesn't cover everything. But here are a few key things to remember:
- When she asks you how she looks, "fine" or "ok" is not the right answer.
- You did something wrong and she seems ok with it....she isn't.
- If she isn't having sex with you - it may not be about you. It could be that she isn't feeling too good about herself.
- If she isn't having sex with you - it may be about you. See if she's feeling disconnected and address what's wrong.
- Intimacy can happen anywhere. Come up behind her and whisper in her ear. She loves that.
- Shoes. Duh. (they're important).
- Giving her oral sex. (See shoes).
- She's an equal part in the relationship. Ask her for her opinion and advice.
- She needs to hear how you feel about her. Express it often.
- Public displays of affection are ok. Hold her hand.
- She's going to remember everything. First dates, everything. Do your best to keep up.
This list could go and on. Start with these few items and see how important they are to her.
Stay in touch -
Mark
I wonder how often that happens in our relationships. Our wives or girlfriends get really frustrated with us when we aren't paying attention, don't remember things or don't know things we should.
So I thought I'd give you a list of things women want us to know. It's not comprehensive. It doesn't cover everything. But here are a few key things to remember:
- When she asks you how she looks, "fine" or "ok" is not the right answer.
- You did something wrong and she seems ok with it....she isn't.
- If she isn't having sex with you - it may not be about you. It could be that she isn't feeling too good about herself.
- If she isn't having sex with you - it may be about you. See if she's feeling disconnected and address what's wrong.
- Intimacy can happen anywhere. Come up behind her and whisper in her ear. She loves that.
- Shoes. Duh. (they're important).
- Giving her oral sex. (See shoes).
- She's an equal part in the relationship. Ask her for her opinion and advice.
- She needs to hear how you feel about her. Express it often.
- Public displays of affection are ok. Hold her hand.
- She's going to remember everything. First dates, everything. Do your best to keep up.
This list could go and on. Start with these few items and see how important they are to her.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Forgetting What's Important
I was reviewing previous blog entries, and I came across the one titled "Fix Cracks Now" - where I explained that a crack in the relationship that goes unattended can turn into a major problem. I used the analogy of a crack in the foundation of my garage, and how a hole is forming.
That's when it hit me. I haven't fixed the crack yet! I completely forgot about it. When it first came up, I talked about it. I asked friends about it. I even had a pretty good idea of what I needed to do to fix it. For a time, it was the center of my attention. Then, life got in the way, and I forgot.
What important things have you forgotten? Have you forgotten the special memories of places you've been together, or things you've seen and done? Have you forgotten the struggles that you endured as a team, and how good it was to overcome them? Have you forgotten how to laugh, how to love and how to have fun? Have you forgotten how to make her smile? Have you forgotten how to dance? Have you forgotten how to show her that she still rocks your world?
Do you even think of these things anymore? I hope you do. She hopes you do.
Stay in touch -
Mark
That's when it hit me. I haven't fixed the crack yet! I completely forgot about it. When it first came up, I talked about it. I asked friends about it. I even had a pretty good idea of what I needed to do to fix it. For a time, it was the center of my attention. Then, life got in the way, and I forgot.
What important things have you forgotten? Have you forgotten the special memories of places you've been together, or things you've seen and done? Have you forgotten the struggles that you endured as a team, and how good it was to overcome them? Have you forgotten how to laugh, how to love and how to have fun? Have you forgotten how to make her smile? Have you forgotten how to dance? Have you forgotten how to show her that she still rocks your world?
Do you even think of these things anymore? I hope you do. She hopes you do.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Change the World....Together
Short of cheating or emotional / physical abuse, one of the deadliest relationship killers is if one or both of you feels like you are "just existing." You wake up, go to work, do your daily routine, watch TV and go to bed - all the time. Obviously, there are days like that...but to do it all the time, is deadly.
On several occasions I have given you some pretty good ideas on ways to spice things up and improve your Wow Factor. But this one may be the best yet.
Serve....together. Albert Einstein said “The high destiny of the individual is to serve rather than to rule.” Find a food bank or homeless shelter in your community and lend a hand. But do it together. Sign up with Habitat For Humanity and go build houses together on weekends. Or find some other worthy charity that needs your help, and go serve.
The experience of helping others as a couple (or even the whole family) will bring you closer together. You will make a lasting impression on some one's life, and it will have been done as a team. What a great legacy!
Stay in touch -
Mark
On several occasions I have given you some pretty good ideas on ways to spice things up and improve your Wow Factor. But this one may be the best yet.
Serve....together. Albert Einstein said “The high destiny of the individual is to serve rather than to rule.” Find a food bank or homeless shelter in your community and lend a hand. But do it together. Sign up with Habitat For Humanity and go build houses together on weekends. Or find some other worthy charity that needs your help, and go serve.
The experience of helping others as a couple (or even the whole family) will bring you closer together. You will make a lasting impression on some one's life, and it will have been done as a team. What a great legacy!
Stay in touch -
Mark
Monday, May 10, 2010
How to Act When You're Unsure of Your Feelings
I'll admit that this isn't my original idea. I first read this idea in a book by CS Lewis. However, I have slightly modified the thought to apply it to your relationship with your spouse / partner.
There are some who are going through a tough time in their relationship, and for what ever reason, aren't sure of their "feelings" toward their partner. Maybe they've been together for a few years and that fresh "new car scent" has worn off. Or maybe they're just going through some weird and funky point in their life. And since they are unsure of their feelings, they don't know how to act towards their partner. As a result, stress is building in the relationship (or it soon will be).
First, it is important to understand that love is not a feeling. Feelings are driven by your emotions which frankly, can change like the wind. Emotions can derail logic and take us off the right path.
Love is a choice, an action, a committment. Love is verb, an action word. In the Bible, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourself. We love ourselves, even though we don't like everything about ourselves. (I'm fat, I don't like my hairline, I wish I was taller, etc).
So how do you act? You demonstrate love. Not sure how you feel? Show love.
Having a bad day? Act lovingly. The more love you show, the more love will grow. (That sounds corny unless you read it with a Motown beat). In other words, your feelings will follow your actions.
Grow love.
Stay in touch -
Mark
There are some who are going through a tough time in their relationship, and for what ever reason, aren't sure of their "feelings" toward their partner. Maybe they've been together for a few years and that fresh "new car scent" has worn off. Or maybe they're just going through some weird and funky point in their life. And since they are unsure of their feelings, they don't know how to act towards their partner. As a result, stress is building in the relationship (or it soon will be).
First, it is important to understand that love is not a feeling. Feelings are driven by your emotions which frankly, can change like the wind. Emotions can derail logic and take us off the right path.
Love is a choice, an action, a committment. Love is verb, an action word. In the Bible, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourself. We love ourselves, even though we don't like everything about ourselves. (I'm fat, I don't like my hairline, I wish I was taller, etc).
So how do you act? You demonstrate love. Not sure how you feel? Show love.
Having a bad day? Act lovingly. The more love you show, the more love will grow. (That sounds corny unless you read it with a Motown beat). In other words, your feelings will follow your actions.
Grow love.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Friday, May 7, 2010
Affairs: A Final Thought
We've been talking about reasons people have affairs, and I want to make sure I don't go too far in putting blame on the cheater's partner.
I heard a talk show host say the other day that he has a friend whose wife was cheating on him. They split. Recently he saw them together again. He was surprised to find them together and asked his friend about it. He said, "she decided to forgive me for what I was doing that caused her to cheat."
That's out of balance. While I do believe that relationship problems are the driving cause of affairs, that does not and can not excuse the cheater's behavior. Ultimately we all have responsibility for doing what's right. Bad circumstances at home do not justify cheating. Period. Sorry.
This is propagated further by websites that say "life is short, have an affair", and proceed to allow you to pay to join and hook up with other married members. A dating service for married people to screw around on their partners. I hope there is a special place in hell for the scumbag that runs that service. And by 'special' I mean extra crispy.
Affairs destroy relationships. That about sums it up.
Stay in touch -
Mark
I heard a talk show host say the other day that he has a friend whose wife was cheating on him. They split. Recently he saw them together again. He was surprised to find them together and asked his friend about it. He said, "she decided to forgive me for what I was doing that caused her to cheat."
That's out of balance. While I do believe that relationship problems are the driving cause of affairs, that does not and can not excuse the cheater's behavior. Ultimately we all have responsibility for doing what's right. Bad circumstances at home do not justify cheating. Period. Sorry.
This is propagated further by websites that say "life is short, have an affair", and proceed to allow you to pay to join and hook up with other married members. A dating service for married people to screw around on their partners. I hope there is a special place in hell for the scumbag that runs that service. And by 'special' I mean extra crispy.
Affairs destroy relationships. That about sums it up.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Reasons for Affairs - Day 2
Yesterday we outlined the first four of Dr. Sheri Meyers' eight top reasons for affairs. Dr. Meyers is a marriage and family therapist. Today we finish off the list. Just like yesterday - the reasons are from Dr. Meyers, the comments are mine.
5. Loss of self-esteem. Or...never had self esteem. The affair is driven by the need to feel good about one's self. It's reassurance, validation. If someone isn't getting that validation from their partner, they are apt to look for it somewhere else. Another risk of low self-esteem is that the person who doesn't feel good will run their partner down in an attempt to level the playing field. Know anybody like this?
6. Excessive time at work. All work and no play makes Jack's wife (or Jill's husband) look for fun somewhere else. A lot of companies are focusing more on work/life balance these days, which is good. But for many who get their "identity" from what they do, spending too much time at the office could be adding a vulnerability to their relationship.
7. New friends of the opposite sex. I've been back and forth with this one. I have friends of the opposite sex and I'm not cheating. I think what matters here is where you draw the line on the friendship. Avoid putting yourself in vulnerable positions. Avoid getting too close. I have female friends that I care about, but in a real pinch, I can't be their 'go to guy'.
8. Business Trips. This doesn't mean that everyone who goes on a business trip is boinking their way across the country. It's simply a warning flag that should be recognized. It's easy (for some) to think "what happens in Cleveland, stays in Cleveland." Keep the foundation strong at home, and this risk diminishes.
The point of me sharing this list is to send up warning flags for things you can watch for in your relationship. Even if your relationship is on solid footing, it doesn't hurt to do a safety check every once in a while.
We'll wrap up this topic tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
5. Loss of self-esteem. Or...never had self esteem. The affair is driven by the need to feel good about one's self. It's reassurance, validation. If someone isn't getting that validation from their partner, they are apt to look for it somewhere else. Another risk of low self-esteem is that the person who doesn't feel good will run their partner down in an attempt to level the playing field. Know anybody like this?
6. Excessive time at work. All work and no play makes Jack's wife (or Jill's husband) look for fun somewhere else. A lot of companies are focusing more on work/life balance these days, which is good. But for many who get their "identity" from what they do, spending too much time at the office could be adding a vulnerability to their relationship.
7. New friends of the opposite sex. I've been back and forth with this one. I have friends of the opposite sex and I'm not cheating. I think what matters here is where you draw the line on the friendship. Avoid putting yourself in vulnerable positions. Avoid getting too close. I have female friends that I care about, but in a real pinch, I can't be their 'go to guy'.
8. Business Trips. This doesn't mean that everyone who goes on a business trip is boinking their way across the country. It's simply a warning flag that should be recognized. It's easy (for some) to think "what happens in Cleveland, stays in Cleveland." Keep the foundation strong at home, and this risk diminishes.
The point of me sharing this list is to send up warning flags for things you can watch for in your relationship. Even if your relationship is on solid footing, it doesn't hurt to do a safety check every once in a while.
We'll wrap up this topic tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Why We Cheat
According to Dr. Sheri Meyers, a marriage and family therapist, there are several common reasons why people have affairs. The list of reasons is from Dr. Meyers, the comments are mine.
1. A chasm or emotional distance in the relationship. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to stay engaged in the relationship and remain connected at an emotional level.
2. Lack luster sex. Sex is like tennis (except a lot more fun and I hardly ever hurt my shoulder during sex) in that when two equally matched partners are 'playing' the experience is a lot better. If you and your partner aren't on the same page about the how, what, when, and where - one of you is going to feel unfulfilled.
3. Boredom. Get in a rut and fail to keep things interesting, and your partner could wander, especially these days with everyone having such a short attention span.
4. Changes in the primary relationship. If one of you substitutes someone else as your emotional support, and relies on them for strength and advice - I would argue that you are already having an affair, even if you haven't had sex. Emotional dependence on someone else (that takes the place of your partner) throws the relationship out of balance.
Four more causes of affairs tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
1. A chasm or emotional distance in the relationship. I can't emphasize enough how important it is to stay engaged in the relationship and remain connected at an emotional level.
2. Lack luster sex. Sex is like tennis (except a lot more fun and I hardly ever hurt my shoulder during sex) in that when two equally matched partners are 'playing' the experience is a lot better. If you and your partner aren't on the same page about the how, what, when, and where - one of you is going to feel unfulfilled.
3. Boredom. Get in a rut and fail to keep things interesting, and your partner could wander, especially these days with everyone having such a short attention span.
4. Changes in the primary relationship. If one of you substitutes someone else as your emotional support, and relies on them for strength and advice - I would argue that you are already having an affair, even if you haven't had sex. Emotional dependence on someone else (that takes the place of your partner) throws the relationship out of balance.
Four more causes of affairs tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Fix Cracks Now!
Last August, when I bought my house, the realtor pointed out a crack in the foundation, where the down spout dumps water. He suggested that I reroute the water away from it.
I didn't.
This morning I noticed that the crack is gone. It's been replaced with a hole.
Over just a few short months, the water had eaten at the foundation and has opened up a golf ball sized hole. This sucks. Now, instead of just re-routing the water, I have to repair the foundation.
So, I'm asking each of you directly - do you have any cracks in your relationship...that if left over time (maybe even just a few short months), would develop into a serious problem?
Just as with every other important thing in life, you need to face this head on, search your relationship honestly, and if you find cracks - deal with it.
I can fill in the hole with some cement and reroute the drain pipe. Your relationship won't be so easy to fix if you let it go.
Stay in touch -
Mark
I didn't.
This morning I noticed that the crack is gone. It's been replaced with a hole.
Over just a few short months, the water had eaten at the foundation and has opened up a golf ball sized hole. This sucks. Now, instead of just re-routing the water, I have to repair the foundation.
So, I'm asking each of you directly - do you have any cracks in your relationship...that if left over time (maybe even just a few short months), would develop into a serious problem?
Just as with every other important thing in life, you need to face this head on, search your relationship honestly, and if you find cracks - deal with it.
I can fill in the hole with some cement and reroute the drain pipe. Your relationship won't be so easy to fix if you let it go.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Monday, May 3, 2010
Gift Ideas
Guys, if your anniversary or wife / girlfriend's birthday is coming up, here are some gift ideas that are sure to be a hit:
1. Make a movie. If you are at all creative and know your way around your PC, use software like Power Director or Make a Memory Movie. Get pictures and video of things that you've done together, mix it with a couple of your special songs and you're good to go. You may not win an Oscar, but she'll most likely give it two thumbs up.
2. Pictures. Pictures are great gifts because they trigger memories of fun things you've done together. Make a collage out of places you've been or things you've done. She'll love it.
3. Build a bath basket. No, this isn't 'gay'. Prepare a basket of bath soaps, oils, candles, and soft music she can listen to while relaxing. Include a coupon for "bath time" whenever she wants - which means you'll hold down the fort and watch the kids to give her the quiet time.
4. Day spa. Get her a gift certificate for a day spa. She'll enjoy the facials, steam baths, manicure and massage. Note - if this is an anniversary gift, make it a couple's day. You can't send her alone on your anniversary.
Stay in touch -
Mark
1. Make a movie. If you are at all creative and know your way around your PC, use software like Power Director or Make a Memory Movie. Get pictures and video of things that you've done together, mix it with a couple of your special songs and you're good to go. You may not win an Oscar, but she'll most likely give it two thumbs up.
2. Pictures. Pictures are great gifts because they trigger memories of fun things you've done together. Make a collage out of places you've been or things you've done. She'll love it.
3. Build a bath basket. No, this isn't 'gay'. Prepare a basket of bath soaps, oils, candles, and soft music she can listen to while relaxing. Include a coupon for "bath time" whenever she wants - which means you'll hold down the fort and watch the kids to give her the quiet time.
4. Day spa. Get her a gift certificate for a day spa. She'll enjoy the facials, steam baths, manicure and massage. Note - if this is an anniversary gift, make it a couple's day. You can't send her alone on your anniversary.
Stay in touch -
Mark
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