Perspectives

Yesterday I introduced you to Steve and Debbie, friends who are sharing their personal situation with us.

Steve's is happy after moving and starting a new job. Debbie is not happy, not working. Frustration is building.

From Steve's perspective she's literally being Debbie Downer because her lack of work is starting to impact every aspect of their lives. He says that she's constantly complaining, and looking at the glass half empty. Steve's a "glass half full" kind of guy and this is wearing on him. He's becoming frustrated at her frustration. Interesting.

From Debbie's point of view, she's glad Steve loves his job and doesn't begrudge him being happy. In fact, Steve's job isn't an issue at all. She's just very frustrated at the fact that she isn't contributing financially to the home, doesn't like the fact that she isn't working and frankly - she's bored.

This is a fine line to walk, because Steve needs to understand Debbie's position, and Debbie needs to understand that she can't let frustration in one part of her life override all of the good things they share.

At the same time, it isn't fair for Steve to suggest that Debbie can't complain about not finding work. Steve says that one of the things that irritates him is when he suggests different things to her to try and help, and she has excuses why his ideas won't work.

A job for Debbie would resolve one of the issues (her frustration) but wouldn't resolve the underlying problem of how they deal with stress. Let's see if they can make some progress during the tough time.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The Saga of Steve and Debbie

This could be very interesting.

I have a couple of good friends (Steve and Debbie) who are going through a "thing." I've asked if they would mind me sharing their situation and progress with my readers, because they have an interesting story, an interesting problem - and we can probably learn something from how they're handling it.

I'll mix updates about their situation in throughout various posts, just so we can see how things are progressing.

First some background. Steve and Debbie have been married less than 5 years and have a nice home, and no kids. Several months ago, Steve got transferred for work, and loves his new city and his new job. Steve is happy, happy, happy. The problem is, Debbie isn't.

She isn't necessarily unhappy with Steve, or with her marriage, but she doesn't care for where they live and she hasn't found a job since they've arrived. Her sense of purpose is being challenged, and she's afraid she'll lose ground in the job market if she's out of work too long.

The situation is starting to cause some tension in their relationship. Debbie is openly down and Steve is starting to get frustrated with her. Tomorrow I'll tell you how they're handling this - but what are your thoughts?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Pick Your Battles

One of the secrets to being a good partner is to know which things are worth arguing about and which aren't. If you argue too much, you're a nag and a complainer - and absolutely no fun to be around. If you argue too little, you could become a door mat and end up getting pushed around. So pick your battles.

I often say "I don't necessarily agree with that, but it isn't a hill I want to die on." Meaning, yeah ok - that isn't my favorite thing, but it isn't a big enough deal to start a fight over.

So what is a battle worth "fighting". Obviously potential relationship breakers - such as cheating, lying, substance abuse, physical or emotional abuse, etc. And I think character issues are worth speaking up about.

But let me give you an example of when to shut up. Not that long ago a buddy told me that his wife had a crummy day. Just rotten. Just before bed she was complaining about something and said a couple of things that he really didn't like. He just kept his mouth shut and went with it. Why? Because her day was catching up with her, and him arguing with her was only going to make it worse. If that line of thought or complaining had continued over time (which it didn't), I'm sure he probably would have said something. But she was just blowing off steam and he did the right thing.

Some couples say they "never" argue. Ok good. For the rest of us, let's pick our battles wisely.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Really Saying "I'm Sorry"

Yesterday we looked at some lame excuses for an apology, with the promise that today we would focus on how to do it properly.

The key to a good apology is to be sincere. And to be sincere you need to have a clue what you are actually apologizing for. Sometimes (I've been there too) it is next to impossible to really and truly understand what you did wrong. If that is the case, try to find out. This is important because tip #1 is to name your offense in your apology. "I know I upset you by being late for the concert. I know you were really looking forward to getting there early. I'm sorry for making this less fun than it could have been."

If there is a valid reason, you may explain it, as long as you are not justifying what you did.
"Work ran a little late, but its my fault for not paying better attention to the time."

Make sure she understands your regret.
"I feel really bad about making us late. I'm really sorry."

Describe how you'll handle it differently next time.
"I'll start putting important dates in my calendar / Blackberry so it keeps me on top of things a little better."

Two critical points here.
1. If you say you're going to handle something differently next time - do it. Otherwise it's an empty promise.
2. An apology is not an instant "off switch" for her being upset. Say your apology and move on. Give her time to get over it. The apology doesn't have to be re-applied over and over. Say it sincerely and that's it. Repeating an apology is annoying.

Whenever you apologize, make good eye contact with her and give her a hug. Be sincere, be a man and apologize.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Oops Sorry

Have you ever noticed that we're more inclined to apoligize for something small to a complete stranger, than we are for something meaningful to our spouse?

We cut someone off in the grocery store and send out a quick 'Oh, I'm sorry' and ask their forgiveness. But we act like a complete ass to our partner and go on without uttering a single word.

I wonder if it's because we, as men don't really know how to apologize effectively. Today, we'll focus on what an apology SHOULD NOT look like. Tomorrow, we review good apology techniques. This stuff helps guys. Get on board.

"Love Story" quote - love means never having to say you're sorry is a load of crap. We all hurt or disapoint people from time to time, and apologies are necessary.

Here are some apology no-no's:

"I'm sorry, I have a lot on my mind." This isn't an apology as much as you defending yourself for why you screwed up. If you follow it up with a statement like - "but it's no excuse, I was wrong and I'm sorry", then it gets better.

"I'm sorry you feel that way." Not even an apology. You aren't even sorry about what you did. You're sorry she doesn't agree with you.

"Sorry if I..." "IF?" Dude, you know you screwed up. Face it and apologize.

Don't shift blame. "I'm sorry that I was late, Jimmy didn't finish work on time and I..." Weak. Excuses. Please.

The big BUT. "I know I upset you BUT..." I hate big BUTs and I cannot lie. Behavior is not conditional on other factors. Just tell her you're sorry. Also - do not EVER blame it on alcohol. It's your responsibility to maintain control - and blaming it on the booze is a cop-out.

Apologizing by email or text. Be a man and apologize in person. If you're going to be away for a while, do it by phone, so she can at least hear the words.

So how should you apologize? Sorry. You'll have to wait until tomorrow.

Stay in touch -

Mark

What Women Want

This is compiled from various sources, all of them female. Women have either written or expressed several things that they want us to do. Here are 10.

Women like it when we...

1. Dance. This is a tough one for me because for so long I was told that I was a bad dancer. I believed it. And you know what...I probably am a bad dancer...but so friggin what. Get up and dance.

2. Fix stuff. It's not that women can't, they just like it when we take care of it.

3. Talk. Communicate with them and tell them what's on your mind. I should have made this #1, because it's that important.

4. Listen. Listen to what's on her mind. That doesn't mean you need to fix her problem for her. Just listen and do your best to understand.

5. Dress nicely. ZZ Top got it right. Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

6. Show some emotion. I'm not saying you should be a drama queen, but 'big boys don't cry' is a load of crap. Don't be afraid to shed a tear once in a while.

7. Laugh. Life is way better when you smile and make her laugh.

8. Take care of yourself. The older we get, the more attention we need to give to our health and wellness.

9. Be respectful. Respect boundaries and her feelings on things without making a big deal out of it.

10.Take care of them when their not feeling well. When my wife is under the weather, we have a specific routine and she knows I'm going to be there for her. It's comforting.

Of course every woman is different, so your specific results may vary. Know your partner and understand which of these will be a hit with her!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship SOS - Part 2

Continuing with yesterday's topic - here are some tips to help recover your relationship or, if done early, prevent your relationship from falling apart.

- Focus on your partner's qualities. Pay particular attention to the things that made you fall in love with her. I understand that people change over time, but rarely is it such a drastic transformation that you can't find that person in there somewhere. This will help you be more positive towards her.

- Tell her about it. When you focus on her qualities, mention them to her. "I love how you handle the kids", "you really make me smile", "I love it when you do your hair like that". Focus on the positive things and tell her. But if your relationship is in trouble, don't expect this 'lip service' to make her melt. Don't worry about her reaction to your comments. Just keep making them.

- Watch the negativity. It isn't your job to correct her when she says something wrong. Don't be a nag. Negative comments chip away at the relationship.

The next 3 are really important!

- Help! Love the Beatles reference. Help her any way you can. If she is busy doing chores, get up and do them with her. If something is broken, fix it - stop putting it off. Oh...and don't just do this for a day or two and expect it to solve the problems. This should become part of your routine, part of your relationship. Too much work you say? Then get ready to be single.

- Touch her. Hold her hand when you're walking or riding somewhere together. Touch her back as you walk by. Kiss her good morning, goodbye and hello. If your relationship is on the rocks, she make feel like you are just after sex. Don't press it. These touches are just affirmation of your affection.

- Make time to be together and listen. I don't mean 2 hours every night watching TV. That isn't quality time. Do things together and listen to what she says. Listen to her. Respond to what she says. If she says her feet are sore from being on them all day, offer to rub her feet. If she says her day is hectic, offer to help with something.

Guys, if your relationship is in trouble, it didn't happen over night. Likewise, it isn't going to be fixed over night. Stay the course and stick with this plan. Tweak it here and there once you see what really works in your relationship.

If your relationship is fine, do these things anyhow - and increase the wow factor!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship SOS - Part 1

Remember in the movie "Ferris Beuller's Day Off" they painted 'SAVE FERRIS' on the water tower? Well, I'm painting 'SAVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP' on the water tower of your mind. It's there, right next to the windmills of your mind, which makes for a really strange landscape.

Statistics show that approximately 50% of marriages end in divorce. One in two. About half of the people you graduated with either are or will end up divorced. But I believe with all my heart that it doesn't have to be that way.

So, whether your relationship is on the rocks right now or not, this is worth reading. You owe it to yourself to put everything you can into making this relationship work. If it fails, at least you know you did your best to make things work.

So, I'm going to share a few tips with you (today and tomorrow) that can help turn your relationship around. Obviously, this will all depend on the underlying reasons for the problems. If the problems are too deeply rooted, it may be too late. Which is all the more reason to follow these tips now!

1. Choose to love your partner. Let's understand something critical to relationship survival. A lot of the feelings that you have when you first meet someone change over time. Just because you don't get butterflies in your stomach every time you see your partner, doesn't mean that you're not in love. Your relationship has matured past what it once was and you must do the same. Make a conscience decision to love your partner - today and every day.

I have more tips for your relationship - but I want #1 to sink in. Think about that today. Think, ponder, repeat.

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Funny Distraction Story

This one goes out to my brother.

When he was a teenager - probably about 15, my brother was walking on a pier, watching a girl. He wasn't paying attention to where he was going. He was paying attention to how she was going.

Splash! He walked right off the pier and into the river! You know that feeling of realizing you missed a step, or if you lean back on your chair and you lean too far? He experienced that feeling...followed immediately by the feeling of a cold, wet river.

And by the way - do you think the girl was impressed? Highly, highly unlikely.

His embarrassment serves a purpose to us today. Don't be distracted by the scenery to the point that you don't know where you're going. You too will be in for a rude awakening.

Stay in touch -

Mark

WMD - Weapons of Mass Distraction

There is no need to fabricate evidence this time! WMD are everywhere, especially this time of year. And while some men will get into trouble just by taking a quick look - I want to focus on the real trouble that distraction can bring to your relationship.

Women can be distracting for sure. Beautiful hair, skin, bodies...everywhere. But when looking stirs emotions, you are heading for trouble.

It's difficult for me to give specific advice on this because everyone is different. Depending on the circumstances you might be able to handle certain distractions better than someone else. So rather than focusing on a list of "rules", let me share a model that works:

1. First and foremost, your allegiance MUST be with your partner. Maybe you think someone at work or school is uber hot and really into you. Deal with it, because your top priority is at home.

2. Avoid putting yourself in situations that have a high probability of leading to trouble. I have a friend who would insist on inviting a third person anytime a guy would ask her to lunch. She was avoiding pitfalls, and even the appearance of anything inappropriate. I'm not saying that 2 people can't go to lunch together - but watch out for slippery slopes.

3. Decline advances. Yeah, it probably boosts your ego - but make sure your ego is the only thing getting boosted. If she comes on to you - see point #1.

4. No excuses. I don't care that things aren't perfect at home or that your partner 'just doesn't understand' you - or whatever excuse you might come up with.

5. Analyze things honestly and don't repeat questionable behavior. Take an honest and objective look at how things are developing. If you can pinpoint certain behaviors that could lead to trouble, stop doing them.

Good rule of thumb: If you are thinking (or fantasizing) about someone you work with during off hours, and it isn't work related, you are distracted. Staying distracted too long can lead to trouble.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Happy Friday!

Just a follow up to yesterday’s entry about the woman whose husband had sent over 500 emails to a woman he used to work for.

My wife made a good point when she read it, saying that since the woman had to go searching for the emails – he obviously hadn’t told her that he had been in contact with the woman from work. This makes the emails all the more suspicious and the whole deal way more shady. Good point!

Let's continue today with another point about the emotional side of cheating.
Keep in mind that inappropriate behavior isn't limited to having sex. Developing emotional ties with someone (in the place of what you would normally feel for your partner) is just as bad...maybe worse. In fact, the woman that I described yesterday asked specifically if her husband was having (emotional) feelings or "just sex". In her context, the emotional cheating was worse than the sexual cheating.

Some people call this having an 'emotional affair'. I don't know what you call it. I just know that your partner is your emotional priority, and substituting anyone in that position is wrong.

If you find yourself in a position where you're obsessed with someone, or relying on someone (other than your partner) for your source of emotional strength then let me encourage you to reconsider, back out of that relationship and focus on your partner.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Feelings for Someone Else?

A woman writes to a relationship forum that her husband has been "back in contact with a woman he used to work with." This has been going on for 18 months.

She found over 500 emails from him to her.

Based on what she found (and what she shared), it doesn't sound like they've had sex. The other woman is married too, and seems to be less interested in the relationship than the man is. He emails her, complimenting her looks, her parenting skills - on and on.

So, the woman writes - "Does my husband have feelings for someone else?"

Duh.

500 emails over 18 months means that he's email her almost every day. And that doesn't count the emails he may have deleted.
In his emails he suggests that she should come visit him at work.
He's constantly praising her and pursuing her.

Lady, your husband has "feelings". Now, whether those feelings are love or lust, I can't tell. But he definitely has his priorities out of whack.

Another sign that this is deep is the duration. He's been carrying this on for 18 months! To me, that goes beyond feelings. This guy is obsessed.

Interesting question: If they haven't had sex, is he cheating?
Short answer: Yes.

Your thoughts?

Stay in touch -

Mark

So?

I hope you did yesterday's homework. I did. And I really communicated to my wife 5 things that I would miss - which really told her 5 things that I absolutely love about her.

I didn't make it a big presentation. I simply said that I'm doing this list and I wanted to share it with her. She smiled, listen and gave me a huge hug. It touched her. It was good.

For me, my list was very practical, addressing her qualities and personality. That's what I fell in love with, and that's what I'd miss the most.

A number of you read the blog yesterday, but nobody shared. That's ok.

Stay in touch -

Mark

What Would You Miss?

I was watching House last night, and there was a scene where a dying man wanted to call his estranged daughter just to hear her voice one last time.

It made me think. If, due to some unbelievable set of circumstances, you and your partner were no longer together - what would you miss?

Homework assignment:

This is a 3 part assignment. (Relax, there isn't a test.) (Yes there is.)

Part 1:
Write down 5 things that you would miss if you never saw your partner again. I picked 'five' because it will likely make you have to think a little.
It can be anything. I'll share my five with you tomorrow.

Part 2:
Tell your partner. You can blame me if you want. "Hey - ummm, I was reading this guy's blog and he suggested that we make this list of things we'd miss. Here's what I came up with..."

Part 3:
Tell me how it went. I want to hear about your list, and how it went when you told your partner. (That's the test part).

In summary: List, tell, share. Simple. Now go.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Phil Mickelson's Victory

I like Phil Mickelson.

I was rooting for him to win the Masters yesterday. As I watched I noticed the pink ribbon on his hat raising breast cancer awareness. See, Mickelson's wife and his mother both have breast cancer. There were diagnosed 6 weeks apart last summer.

Phil's wife Amy made the trip with him to Georgia, but rested at their rented home for the first three days of the tournament. But on Sunday, as her husband grabbed control of the leader board, Amy was waiting just off the 18th green.

Poetically, Mickelson birdied the 18th hole, and after hugs and handshakes with the other player and caddies, Phil made his way to Amy. It was there in the extended hug, that Phil Mickelson cried.

Winning the Masters was one thing. Having Amy there to see it was something completely different.

In the book that I'm currently writing, I talk about how guys often grow up wanting to be a sports hero, but how important it is to be a hero at home too. As this year's Masters champion held his wife after his victory, the tear running down his cheek really put it all in perspective.

What we think is important pales in comparison to nurturing the relationship with your partner. Whatever you do, please - keep the proper perspective.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Bicycles, Men and Women

"I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike.
I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like."

I had an epiphany this week about the difference between men and women. And it happened to be about bicycles.

I've had a bike for several years and have never worn a helmet. Recently we moved to a busier street and I thought that a helmet would probably be a good idea.

Last week, my wife got a bike. Suddenly we're off to the store to get helmets, a bike rack for the car and bicycle locks. I lived for years with just a bike, and now all of a sudden we "need" all of this extra stuff???

That's when the light bulb came on. She's thinking ahead. Women do that.
She knew that she'd want to take the bikes on a road trip, and would want to be able to secure them to the bike rack. Or, if we rode them to the mall, we'd want to be able to make sure they didn't get stolen.

See, when I rode alone, it was around a specific route, just for some exercise, and back home. But she's planning bike rides together - to specific places - and to do that, we need a few extra things.

It doesn't mean that either of us are wrong in our approach, just different. And I appreciate the fact that she's interesting in riding with me. It will be good healthy exercise for us. It will be fun - and because of her thinking ahead, it will be safe.

Guys - please - learn to see past the different approaches that you and your partner take - and appreciate her perspective. I bet you'll find that far more often than not, she's adding value to what you're doing.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Wrapping up Pet Peeves

I don't want to spend too much more time on this, so let's wrap it up today with this thought:

Everyone has certain things that drive them batty. And if you spend enough time with someone, you are bound to get on their nerves at some point.

Many (maybe most) women get ticked when men leave the toilet seat up. For others it's the inability of their man to actually put dirty clothes in the hamper. These are hardly relationship enders and if this is the biggest problem in your relationship - then you're doing well.

But here's why I've spent the past few days harping on pet peeves. Continually irritating your partner will lead to respect issues, compatibility problems and a sense of not wanting to be together. If the irritations are major character issues, the tolerance for this behavior will be much shorter than for leaving the toilet seat up.

Here's your homework:

1. If you don't know already, pay close attention and learn which of your behaviors drive her nuts.

2. Work to eliminate those actions and behaviors, giving priority to character flaws (lying, cheating, nagging, temper, etc). Second priority would be to hygiene and cleanliness issues, followed by general irritating behavior - like talking with your mouth full, or the toilet seat thing if that's a problem for you.

Work on being someone others enjoy being around. The benefits are amazing.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Continuing with Pet Peeves

Here are the top 5 relationship pet peeves according to love-sessions.com. Do any of these sound familiar?

Nagging - okay, we all feel the need to complain every once in a while, but when complaining becomes the main theme of your verbal expression, it becomes defined as nagging, and no one likes a nag.

Lying - No one appreciates being lied to- especially when the lies are trivial, unnecessary and constant. It is very frustrating for a person to have to deal with a lover who constantly lies about every little thing. Not only is ot annoying, but makes one wonder if there are bigger lies that they are not even aware about, creating major trust issues in the relationship.

Drama Queen - We are all capable of having bratty moments and taking center stage, but there are some people who always need to be the center of attention and make a huge production out every little thing. This usually become very irritating over time and makes the other partner feel like he/she has to walk on eggshells, making the relationship very unfair.

Indecisiveness- Not being able to ever make a decision and sticking to it is very frustrating. A couple should be able to openly communicate and make decisions together.

Promise Breaking- Nothing is more irritating and hurtful than a person who makes promises and breaks them over and over again. It shows lack of consideration for the other’s feelings and also means the person cannot be trusted or relied on.

I'll share more pet peeves tomorrow.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Pet Peeves

We all have them. Those little (or big) things that push our buttons, get under our skin and drive us crazy. Here’s a secret guys – SHE has them too. And like it or not – there are certain things about you and your behavior that irk her. And, the more time you spend together and the longer the relationship lasts, chances are you will develop certain habits or traits that will simply irritate the living hell out of the person you love the most.

But not knowing what things irritate her is even worse because it means that you’re not paying attention. And for most of us – you don’t have to read between the lines to figure it out. I don't think it's uncommon for our partners to verbalize it. “STOP! You're driving me crazy!”

If you’ve been told by someone that a certain behavior drives them crazy – and you continue to do it – then you are either worthy of a Bill Engvall “here’s your sign” award, or you just don’t care.

Amazingly, there is something even worse than being clueless to the fact that she is cranky at this very moment because of something you just did. What’s worse is knowing that something gets under her skin and doing it anyhow. Worse still is doing it on purpose – for any reason. You may think it's funny. I think it's abusive.

We'll talk about some common pet peeves tomorrow. But feel free to share yours in the comments section.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Everybody Loves a Quickie

So, here are 10 'quickies' for a Monday -

1. Avoid ruts. Spice things up once in a while.
2. Touching is good. Caresses, hugs and grabs show your affection.
3. Treasure your relationship. You never know how many days you have together. Treasure them.
4. Be a good partner. Pitch in and help, be supportive of her goals, build up,
don't tear down your relationship.
5. Have some class. Watch your language and topics of conversation when out in public.
6. Abuse and cheating is wrong period. End of discussion.
7. Look the part. Dress appropriately. It's better to go somewhere slightly overdressed, than looking like a bum.
8. Work at it. If she criticizes certain things, take it constructively and work on it.
9. Be thoughtful and considerate. Think - period.
10. Say "I Love You". Anywhere, anytime. I don't care who's around. Say it.

I hope you can absorb all of this. These 10 'quickies' can change your relationship!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Respond...Don't React

I want to encourage everyone to engage a very simple practice that can really improve your relationships, that is to respond to difficult situations, rather than reacting to them.

What's the difference? Conscience thought.

Rather than flying off the handle and reacting poorly, take a minute, think through the real impact or severity of the situation and respond.

If your partner does something that really ticks you off - think, then respond.

Sometimes, there might need to be several minutes or even several hours of time between thinking and responding. Sentence yourself to a self imposed 'time out' and give yourself some space if you need to.

In the long run, it's much better to avoid flying off the handle and saying things you may regret later. It's a simple concept: think then speak.

Happy Easter.

Stay in touch -

Mark

When Best Laid Plans....Go Wrong

I heard awhile ago about a couple, both of whom worked full time. Occasionally the wife would have to stay late and her husband would get home first. On one such night he decided to do something nice for her. He made her a nice dinner, lit candles, the whole nine yards. When she got home, she walked in, completely bypassed the dining room as she said hello and started to walk upstairs. He tried to tell her he had made her a nice dinner, but all she wanted to do was take a bath and relax.

They ended up getting in a fight because she didn't want his dinner, she just wanted to relax.

So - this was a complete backfire. Let me tell you guys - this is going to happen once in a while. Sometimes events and stress of the day can preempt a good idea. But that doesn't mean we stop trying.

Our hero didn't go wrong by making the nice dinner. In fact - huge props to him for doing that. Where he went wrong was starting a fight over the fact that she didn't want dinner. His expectation was that she would want and need exactly what he had done, and he was insulted when that turned out to not be the case.

What he should have done is gone upstairs and assessed the situation. Once he found out that she had a stressful day, he could have said "I made a nice dinner, its there if you want it later" and left it at that. She would have appreciated his effort, even if she didn't eat it. And that's part of building on your relationship and being a good partner. It's hard...I get it. But it's a better way to handle it.

In fact, tomorrow I want to expand on the "Respond, don't react" approach to dealing with difficult situations. It's a helpful tool.

Oh - and thanks Chrissy for your input on this. Big help!

Stay in touch -

Mark