Let's Show Some Love

Yesterday I thought I lost my cell phone. Losing anything like that completely sucks, because you have to cancel service, re-program the new phone, etc.

I went back to work to look for it and I asked a guy who is stationed near the door, if he saw it. I thought maybe I dropped it on my way out.

He ended up checking around and sure enough - he found it!

"Dude...you rock" I told him. I thanked him and went on my way.

When I got in the car it occurred to me that there are literally countless things that my wife does for me, on a regular basis - and I don't show her HALF the appreciation that I gave the guy who helped me find my phone.

Guys, let's show some love this weekend! Tell your wife/partner how much you appreciate her...and all the things she does for you. It's important.

Stay in touch -

Mark

7 Word Love Letters

I want to share something that we've been doing in our home for a few weeks now. Earlier this month, I started a 7 word love letter chain between my wife and I. It is very simple and easy. Here's how it works.

Take a note pad or writing tablet and alternate your name and hers down the left hand side. Then, you write her a SEVEN WORD love note. At some point over the next day or two, she'll respond. You repeat this until your spaces are filled.

There is only one real rule to this. Your message must be 7 words. Not 6, not 8. It makes you choose your words very carefully, and makes you think about what you want to say. Several times over the past few weeks my wife has caught me "counting words", as I'm trying to get right to the point with my message.

We've had fun with it - and have communicated some really nice thoughts.

I'll give you one to get you started...then it's up to you.
I started mine off with "I am really happy I married you."
Now - off you go.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Why Didn't I Think of That?

Sometimes, the song says it all. This one is from Doug Stone - Why Didn't I Think of That?

"He sends her roses and lines he composes, things a lady loves.
Well he's there to hold her when she needs a shoulder, if life gets too rough.
Oh now that she's left
I keep kicking myself whenever
I start thinking back
He says he needs her,
tells her he loves her,
why didn't i think of that?

Ooh I've been watching
every move that he makes
ooh I've been thinking,
it could have been different somehow
If I'd know what I know now."


Men - it could be time for an evaluation. Before it's too late.
Is there something that you'd do differently if you had the chance to do it again?
Then do it NOW!

Take a minute - think about it. What have you done in the past week to show her how you feel? What have you done to make her smile? Instead of someday wondering "why you didn't think of that" - think of it now. What can you do better?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Learning From Others - Part Deux

Buffalo Springfield. For What It's Worth. "I think it's time we stop now, what's that sound? Everybody look what's going down."
Yesterday I talked about something I heard on a radio talk show. Today I want to continue the theme. This time - about texting.

Here's the scenario. A caller complains that she found suggestive texts on her husband's phone to a young and attractive girls who works for them. "I'm thinking about you tonight.", etc. The caller wonders if she should be concerned. Duh.

Guys, let's face it. It doesn't matter what the format of the communication is - texting, chat rooms, Facebook, email, phone, snail mail or in person - if you're expressing intimate thoughts to another woman, you are asking for trouble. If you're at home with your wife and you are having intimate thoughts about someone you know, you are on a slippery slope. You better "stop" and realize "what's going down." Fix what's going on at home, that would allow you to feel vulnerable enough to be enticed by another woman.

Ah - and please - forget all the bull sh** excuses about how young she makes you feel, or how she let's you know you still have "it". If you have "it", use "it" at home to fix what ever is wrong.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Learning From Others

A while back we discussed learning from our mistakes, and from those around us. But now I want to talk about situational learning - from things I've heard on the radio. Two unique questions asked of a radio talk show host, with my perspective.

The first is from a woman who has been married for about 2 1/2 years. She says that her husband has lost interest in sex. According to her call, they "do it" about once a month. (Yikes). Oh - the "yikes" was mine...not the caller's.

So you would think that maybe her question dealt with ways to spice things up, or suggestions on how to get him engaged again....but no. Her question was: "...so since I'm not getting it at home - is it OK for me to cheat"?

Several thoughts run through this little brain of mine - but in order to keep the blog readable, I'll limit my response to two:

1. This is a perfect example men, of what can happen when we're not meeting our partner's needs. Whether it's emotional, physical or sexual - if you don't meet her needs at home, it increases the risk of her looking elsewhere for it. And don't think this is limited to sex. Many studies show that women cheat for the emotional stimulation and romance factor, more than for the sexual gratification.

2. If the shoe is on the other foot, and you, as a man, find yourself in this same boat - and you are asking the same question - "can I cheat?", the answer is simple. NO! Cheating is like relationship suicide. You may think it's the only way out - but trust me, there are other options. Please - work it out, talk it over and find out what's wrong. Be honest and let her know what you're feeling and how vulnerable it is making you.

Tomorrow - another caller talks about texting trouble...

Stay in touch -

Mark

Speak Up or Shut Up?

Someone once said that the secret to being a good friend is to know when to give someone a hug and when to kick their butt.

One of the secrets to being a good partner is knowing when to speak up and when to shut up. Speak up when you have a compliment or something positive to say. "You look fantastic", "I love how you look in that top", "your hair looks pretty like that", "you handled that with the kids really well", or "best chicken I've ever tasted".

However, you should shut up if you're feeling critical or negative. Think about the comment that you're about to make. How do you think it will sound to her? Negative? Is it hurtful? Then think of a better way to put it and watch your tone.
And if you've had a bad day, and you're angry - don't take it out on her.

Instead of saying "holy crap you're bitchy today", try saying something like "you're not sounding very happy - is something bothering you or is something on your mind?"
Always (I can't emphasize that enough - ALWAYS) be the partner...be on the same team and work together - especially in how you communicate.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Boredom

Boredom in a relationship is more common than you might think - and it can be deadly.

We get up in the morning, go through our routine, go to work, come home tired and are content to sit on the couch and watch TV. Or we focus on chores, or the family, or this or that. Day in, day out. Same routine. We get addicted to a pattern or lifestyle that slowly stagnates the relationship. A lot of times people find their partners to be exciting and outgoing early in the relationship, only to find them boring and lifeless later on.

Men, let's make sure we aren't oblivious to how she is feeling. Pay attention to her. Spice things up once in a while. Go out, do things together. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Spend time together.
Do the kind of things you used to do before life got so mundane.

Like so many relationship issues, this takes effort. Think about ways to get out of your rut. Plan ahead. And know this - I will come through this screen and kick your butt if you have the "what do you wanna do?" "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" conversation.

Work at it men - she's worth it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Silence

Over the next couple of days, I'll hit on some things that can ruin a relationship. Today - I want to chat about silence.

Silence is golden...until it becomes a barrier between you and your partner, particularly when you are angry.

When you are angry, if you don't manage your feelings appropriately, it can chip away at the foundation of the relationship. Men, don't give her the silent treatment as a "punishment" because she did something you didn't like.

While it is perfectly fine (and recommended) to give yourself some space when you're angry (to avoid saying something really stupid and hurtful) - it is also expected that when you return from your self prescribed time out, that you communicate how you feel. Calmly. Clearly. Quietly.

If it's "chilly" when you walk in the room - be the one to break the silence. Say "I'd really like to talk about this." If you were wrong, admit it and apologize. If she was wrong, quietly explain why it bothered you.

If you can do this and remain calm - she will see you in a more positive light.
If it escalates again, tell her that you don't want to fight and that you're willing to talk when she is. Then, give it some space. No yelling. Just find something else to do.

Break the silence again a little later.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Reaching Out to the Men

I was talking with friends recently about how to get men's attention on this topic. Women are very receptive to the blog and to this conversation, but I want to reach out to the guys - to help them increase the wow factor. I want to help make other men look good in their relationships.

But, during the conversation, the topic came up - is it possible to motivate men to understand why it's important to "wow" your woman? I've come up with four points (so far) - describing various reasons why men need to pay attention to this topic (and ideally, this blog).

1. Whether you realize it or not men, these things are very important to your lady. Even though you may not understand why, just please understand that being a good partner is a major part of your job description. I'm not sure that most men really understand what that entails, so - I'm here to help.

2. Making her happy, ultimately makes you happy. Maybe you've heard the saying "If mama ain't happy - ain't nobody happy." Maybe things aren't to that point yet, but if you've ever lived in a house where "mama ain't happy", trust me - it isn't a good place to be. Putting smiles on her face, will put them or yours too.

3. The alternative is expensive, emotionally draining and extremely disruptive. (See the post Men Love (Most) Stats). Going through a divorce or break-up is no day at the beach. On average, it takes a man 5 years to get on his feet financially after a divorce. Emotionally, you lose. Financially, you lose.

4. Trust me, there is no shortage of men out there (in close proximity) who are willing to give her want she wants - if you won't or can't. I would venture to say that women cheat as much (if not more) for the emotional needs (her desire to be held, romanced, wanted) as for the sexual gratification. Whatever she's missing at home, if you can't (or won't) provide it - it raises the risk of her finding it somewhere else.

Please pass this along to men that you think could benefit from reading this blog - and learning more about how to increase the WOW FACTOR, in their relationship.

Stay in touch

Mark

Valentines Day Romance Tip #2: Post It Notes

Place post it notes around the house with short little "I Love You's".

Use them to:
- Invite her on a date > "You and me - 7PM....details to follow."
- Give a corny pick up line > "If I could rewrite the alphabet, I'd put U and I together." (making her smile is good).
- Reminder her that you're glad she's your wife > "I'm SO glad I married you."

Put the notes in strategic places...on her mirror, in her car, on the coffee pot or other places that she is sure to notice them.

Don't be afraid to express yourself. "I just wanted to remind you that I LOVE YOU."
So often our conversations are about the daily routine, chores and tasks. We forget to express how we feel. This is a simple, easy way to remedy that.
Have fun. Let me know how it goes.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Valentines Day Romance Tip #1: Breakfast in Bed

Valentines Day is on a Sunday this year, which means you will likely have a bit more time together in the morning.

The night before, write a note asking her to please stay in bed until you return. When you get up, leave the note, a single red rose, and a Valentines Day card on your pillow. That way, if you wake her up as you leave the room – or if the smell of coffee arouses her senses, she’ll (likely) stay put until you return.

This is pretty simple. You will have thought ahead and picked up the breakfast foods that she enjoys. You go to the kitchen make coffee, prepare the breakfast, put everything nicely on a plate for her and carry it on a tray to your room.

Note: It doesn’t matter what she likes for breakfast – even if it is just cereal, you can make it and bring it to her. Even if she doesn’t like breakfast – bring her coffee and a smile and you will get the same results.

The focus isn’t on the food, it’s on the service. By surprising her with breakfast in bed, you are showing that you are thinking about her even when you may not be expressing it outwardly. You are showing that she is important to you.

Come prepared to sit next to her and start the day off with some quiet time and good conversation.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Survey Says...Romance is Missing

In a survey done in 2008 by Ogilvy Public Relations Worldwide, 76% of the 1001 adults surveyed said that wanted more romance. (That's 3 out of 4).

Just over half of the respondents (52%) said that romance is missing from their relationship. When something is missing – it’s gone completely. Romance’s picture is on the side of milk containers in far too many relationships.

Here’s a key point to the survey. A vast majority (83%) of the people surveyed say that they want to spend more time together.

They say that the key to being successful in business is to see a need and fill it.
Well, if we apply that principle here - there are two needs that must be met.
Increased romance and spending more time together.

With Valentine's Day just over a month away, now seems like a good time to explore some practical ideas for meeting both needs. Over the next few days, we'll do just that.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Men Love (Most) Stats

I think that one of the things that we love most about sports is stats. In this past weekend's NFC Wild Card Game, Kurt Warner was 29 for 33, for 379 yards and five touchdowns. That's sick. And we love to watch the numbers.

Major League Baseball keeps incredible statistics. Teams know how each batter performs against specific pitchers, even under certain conditions like balls/strikes and men on base. Incredible!

But here's a stat most men don't care for:
According to a recent US Census Bureau report, 56.2% of custodial fathers were either separated or divorced. And in a recent year, 7.8 million Americans paid about $40 billion in child and/or spousal support (84% of the payers were male).

I did the math. Men paid over $33 BILLION in child / spousal support in just ONE YEAR!

So, if you feel like all of this “relationship stuff” is just nagging from women who “don’t understand you”, then look at the hard facts of the matter. More than half of us are divorced and we are paying the equivalent of the Gross National Product of Slovenia (ranked number 64 among the world’s countries).

There are two cold hard facts here. If you don't love your wife/partner the way she needs:
a) There is somebody else out there who would be happy to do it for you,
b) It's very likely to cost you in the end.

Your relationship demands your attention. Failure to work at it, is like taking a knife to a gun fight. You're going to lose.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Let's Have a Little Church - Right Here

Not too long ago, the church that my wife and I attend was looking for people who might be interested in being on the Church Board. Like any organization they have a set of criteria in order to make sure that candidates were suitable for leadership. As I read the list, it became evident that many of the same qualities that make a good church leader also make a good husband.

Men, examine yourselves against this list, and honestly assess yourself:

• Self controlled
• Hospitable
• Gentle, not violent
• Not quarrelsome
• Not quick tempered
• Disciplined
• Honest
• Sincere
• Monogamous

I didn’t include the entire list of qualifications, but I think you get the idea.

How did you do? Are you able to look at the list and honestly say that you posses the vast majority of those qualities?

I can tell you – these items are the qualities that will make you a quality person and a better partner, lover, friend and husband.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Reminder

Hey just a reminder:

If you have a topic that you'd like to see discussed on this blog - post a comment and I'll get right on it!

Also, this is a two way forum, so feel free to comment on any posting.
You don't have to formally join or follow to post.

Stay in touch -

Mark

But the Sign Said "Employees"

It's a nice restaurant. It's a nice meal. Two couples out for a night on the town. One of the husbands needs to use the restroom. When he comes back, the wife playfully asks "did you wash your hands?" "No...I didn't have to, the sign in the restroom said "Employees"." The wife dies a little inside.

Why? She's embarrassed in front of her female friend. (Hint: That's really bad).
Now, I understand that this is a silly example. But it's a good way to describe how expectations are different between men and women. And frankly guys, we need to be thinking more about meeting her expectations. In many cases, women's standards are higher. And we could stand to reach a little higher ourselves.

Every one's home is different, so it's a little difficult for me to sit here in my office and tell other men exactly what expectations they should be shooting for. But I can give you a tip that will help you figure it out:

Pay attention to how she likes things. Then work towards that, as a goal.

Some simple, easy examples are:
She likes the dirty clothes to be in the hamper.
She likes the dirty dishes to be put right in the dishwasher.
When the dishwasher is full of clean dishes, empty it.
If you make a mess in the house, clean it up.
If you use it, put it away.

Here's a perfect example from my own life:
I was putting some clean shirts away, taking them from the laundry room to the closet upstairs. I got upstairs and remembered that my wife asked that those hangers stay in the laundry room, so she has something to hang clean shirts on.
If I just hung up the shirts, I'd be increasing her work effort next time she did the laundry. (Bad).

This is really nothing more than common sense...and common courtesy. But things like this are often overlooked - adding the stress of the lady of the house.
When you add to her stress, you decrease the wow factor in the relationship. When you reduce her stress, your wow factor soars.

Oh, and when you increase your wow factor, she'll tell her female fried what a great guy you are. (Hint: That's really good).

Stay in touch -

Mark

Better Lover Tip: Foreplay in the Kitchen

Guys I'm going to give you a tip that will go a long way in helping increase the "wow factor" in your relationship.
You want to turn on your woman?
Help in the kitchen.

What!?
Yeah - seriously dude - help in the kitchen. I'll paint you the picture.

Help cook dinner. Chop stuff, fry something, get the plates out - whatever.
What you do doesn't really matter as much as being there and actively participating.

Talk. Laugh. Touch. Kiss. Listen to music. Grab her and dance for a few seconds.
When you need something reach across her and touch her suggestively. (Quick subtle touches...almost like you're sneaking or teasing).

When you walk by her, run your hand across her back or shoulders.

You don't have to be a great cook to do this. Just be engaged in the process. Trust me, she will LOVE IT!

You'll have a great dinner. (Don't forget to help clean up afterwards).
Then...let the sparks fly.

Let me know how it works out.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Intense Love

Mother Teresa said "Intense love doesn't measure, it just gives." I wonder if we ever think about what it means to love intensely.

John did.

John lost his wife Janet after an eight year battle with cancer.

A few months before Janet died she wrote a love note to John and placed it in one of the drawers in their house. John found Janet's note some time after she died. We tend to think of "silly love notes" coming from young naïve school kids, who don’t know any better. But this note was written by a woman who knew she was going to die, a mother of seven and a wife of 38 years. In the middle of the battle of her life, there was nothing silly about this loving wife’s note.

Janet described John by saying that he "Loved me. Took care of me. Worried about me."

"Helped me when I was ill," the next line reads.

She went on to say the he "Forgave me a lot." And that her husband "Stood by my side."

Janet explained that her loving husband knew how to express criticism by saying that he was "Always praising."

"Made sure I had everything I needed," she went on to write.

Her summation of her thoughts continued on the back of this love note as she wrote "Warmth. Humor. Kindness. Thoughtfulness."

She continues by telling John that he was "Always there for me when I needed you."

She wrapped up her note by simply writing "Good friend."

That men, is intense love, shared by two people. And the good news is that you don’t have to be dying of cancer to experience this devotion.

You can take Janet’s loving words and create a model checklist for your own intense love:

__ Love her.
__ Take care of her.
__ Worry about her.
__ Help her.
__ Forgive her.
__ Stand by her.
__ Praise her.
__ Make sure she has what she needs.
__ Be warm, laugh.
__ Be kind, thoughtful.
__ Always be there when she needs you.
__ Be a good friend.

What kind of note would your partner leave you? Love her intensely, and you will rock her world. I promise you, if you focus on intense love, your relationship will never be the same.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The Boy Who Cried "Wolf"

We've been talking for the past couple of days about learning from our mistakes and making improvements. I want to wrap up this mini-series with a strong word of warning.

AVOID BEING THE BOY WHO CRIED "WOLF!".

You remember the fable about the boy who got his kicks out of scaring the community by crying "WOLF!"? Eventually a wolf really did come around and when he yelled, nobody believed him.

How does that apply to us? Well, we say we're going to learn from our mistakes. And we say to our partner "I'll change." And then we do change...for a while...then we fall back into the same old pattern that got her upset to begin with.

Eventually there's another argument, and we promise to change again. And so on...and so on...and...so...on. Until one day, she's had enough of the stupid cycle. And by the time we really see the light (usually at the point when she's emotionally gone) it's often too late. But we tell her again..."I'll change." But the words are empty. Your track record has ruined your reputation.

So here's the point. If you say you're going to change, be like Nike. Just Do It.
Broken promises break relationships.

Stay in touch -

Mark

From Every Mistake We Must Surely Be Learning

Great words from George Harrison's "While My Guitar Gently Weeps."

Great lesson too. I think one of the keys to learning from mistakes, is that we not only learn from our mistakes, but we also learn from the mistakes of others.

Let's start with the basics. What can we learn from Tiger Woods? Right, 18 holes in one day is plenty. Keep your balls out of the rough. Got it.
Seriously though, we can learn that infidelity will destroy you. Do you think anything about Tiger's life will ever be the same? His family is destroyed. His reputation is shot. Even his career has taken a significant hit.
Virtually every aspect of his life has been impacted by his actions. Not to mention the devastating impact on his wife and children.

What can we learn from our best friends or neighbors, who we just heard are getting a divorce? They had a "perfect" marriage didn't they? Clearly not. What went wrong? Complaincency? Boredom? Drifted apart? Infidelity? Instead of peering over the fence to snoop for gossip, why not learn the details and make sure the same thing isn't happening on your side of the fence?

What can we learn from ourselves? What have we done to upset, irritate or disappoint our partner? What really grinds her gears? How have we let her down in the past? Let's take those mistakes and turn them into something positive, by making sure they never happen again. Change our patterns by developing a mindset that says "I don't ever want to let her down again."

This is hard work guys. This is serious stuff. It takes commitment. Let's not blow it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

PS - please pass this link along to anyone you think may be interested. And as always, feel free to leave a comment or story.

Let's Learn From Our Brothers

In one of my favorite U2 songs - Bono sings “You don’t have to put up a fight. You don’t have to always be right. Let me take some of the punches for you tonight. Listen to me now. I need to let you know. You don’t have to go it alone.”

I'm telling you the same thing. We are not in this alone. We can learn from each other and be better in our relationships. That's what this blog is all about.

Let me tell you about my pal, John. I sat in his office one day, listening to him tell me about his divorce. He told me how, despite his best efforts, his wife left him. He told me how it affected him and what we was going to do to make sure it never happened again. He said something that was one of the most important things I've ever heard.

John told me "When I remarry - my second wife will benefit from the failure of my first marriage." Boom! He nailed it. He was going to take all of the things he did wrong in his first marriage, and make them right in his next! He learned from his mistakes and changed his behavior. At last report John has been happily remarried for several years.

I don't think we have to wait for a divorce to wake up, see what we're doing wrong and learn to improve. I have some additional thoughts on the subject. Let's explore this a little more over the next few days.

Stay in touch - and as always, I welcome your feedback.

Mark

Don't Think I Can't Love You

I want to introduce you to Dave and Brenda. I met them yesterday. Both in their late forties, and temporarily down on their luck. They found themselves out on the street after running out of money, ironically paying "first and last" for a new place to live. The timing was off, the money was short - and they had no where to go.

Despite these setbacks, these two haven't lost their spark. "She is my world, she means everything to me." Dave told me over breakfast at a homeless shelter. Brenda looked at him and smiled. Dave added - "I am her care giver, and I treat her like a queen." Brenda agreed - "he treats me like I am the center of the universe." Dave said "I don't ever want this feeling to end between us." They have been together almost 10 years and haven't let their temporary difficulties short circuit their love. I told Dave that he is a good man, and that I was impressed with how he showed it, by loving his wife the way he did. "I think you have to want to [be a good partner], it doesn't just happen on it's own."

Ironically, on the way home, I heard a song called "Don't Think I Can't Love You" by Jake Owen.
"So girl I can't buy you a big diamond ring.
No house on a hill full of life's finer things.
And I'll tell you right now, there's a whole lot I can't do
On, but baby don't think I can't love you."

Dave said it right. Being a good partner / husband / boyfriend doesn't just happen on it's own. You have to want to be a good partner. That's what we need men. More "want to".

Stay in touch...

Mark

Getting Started

Happy new year, 2010.

As we head into a new year, and a new decade, it seems to be the appropriate time to kick off this project. A Few ^MORE Good Men is a new tool to help men everywhere become better in our relationships.

That means being better partners, better listeners, better communicators and even (gulp) more romantic.

I will be sharing stories with you of people that I meet or hear of - who are either doing it right - or need to do it better. I'm not here to pass judgement or to condemn. I'm simply here to provide practical tips for increasing the "wow factor" in your relationship.

I welcome your stories too. I want to hear your stories of husbands / boyfriends / lovers - whatever....good and bad. Tell me what's important to YOU in your relationship.
I'm looking forward to sharing information that will help us, men, be better partners.

One of the things you will learn about me is that I love movies and music. I will quote movies and songs very often in this blog. My first quote is from the movie Hancock, when he says "You deserve better from me. I can be better. I will be better." That, my new friends, is what this blog is all about. Being better.

And so, it begins.