More on Predictability

I wanted to follow up on yesterday's topic of sexual predictability. I have 2 additional thoughts.

First, I want to clarify what couples reports as being predictable:
Location: 70%
Sexual Position: 67%
Time of Day: 60%
Duration: 52%
Foreplay: 40%
Day of the Week: 23%

So apparently, sex is like real estate. Location, location, location.
But you can see from this list that it isn't difficult to change things up a little.

The second thought I had about predictability has nothing to do with sex.
I want to challenge you today. What else about your life is this predictable?
Do you have the same routines at home? Do you eat the same meals, sit and watch TV, have very little conversation or activities together, then stumble off to bed? Predictability in these areas can be dangerous too.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Sex...How Predictable is it?

Over time, sex, like many other things, can become less fantastic - and even routine.
We run the risk of falling into patterns or ruts.
We start out with this, change to that, finish with a particular thing and it becomes as exciting as a junior Olympic gymnastics routine, without the triple flip dismount.

A recent survey of over 1000 people, showed that only 19% of people surveyed said that sex was "not predictable at all".

15% - Extremely predictable.
15% - Very predictable.
17& - Predictable.
26% - Somewhat predictable
19& - Not predictable at all
8% - Declined to answer. (Prudes!)

30% are boring each other to climax.

So what can you do to change things up? I thought you'd never ask.
First, talk to your partner and say that you want to spice things up a little in the sack. Here are some ideas.

1. Intentionally change your pattern. Do things in different order.
2. Add new stuff. Read a book, try some new positions. Try some toys, watch a movie, get creative. Note - only do things that both of you are comfortable with.
3. Change the day/time. Hook up in the middle of the day.
4. Change the location. Do it at work, or in the car or in the kitchen or something. Anything so that it isn't predictable.
5. Add some romance. Find/make a nice CD or playlist, light some candles and take it from there.

Spice things up and make loving fun.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers - 3 Quick Hits

Today, I'm going to give you 3 quick reminders of things that can, over time, kill a relationship.

Not Listening
I know how it is. You get intent on watching TV and you don't even realize she's talking. Or you are up to your neck in work and you heard her say something but have no idea what. Stop. Show your partner courtesy by listening closely to what she has to say.

Not Saying “I Love You”
If you think that guys don't say it, then you're an idiot. Tell her that you love her. If this is difficult for you, then your relationship needs help.

Not Doing Nice Things for Your Partner
What? You think it's all about you? Do something nice for her, on a regular basis.

Just some reminders to help keep you close.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Friday Fun Christmas Style

Merry Christmas everybody!

Stay in touch

More (Easy) Ways to Show Love

Here are a few more, very easy ways to increase your romance factor:

1. Hold hands
2. Take showers together
3. Look deeply into your lover’s eyes
4. Always kiss goodbye and goodnight
5. Boast about your mate and your relationship to mutual friends
6. Remember to say thank you (often)
7. Excuse each other’s mistakes
8. Meditate / do devotions together

These are simple, don't take a lot of money or planning, and will increase intimacy between you.

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Woman's Perspective on Good Sex

Ok, this is like sneaking into the other team's locker room and reading their play book. This is good information.

In a recent sex survey of only women - here's what they said:

Good Sex is based on frequency:
56% of women, said couples with a healthy sex life should be having sex a few times a week. 20% said once a week.

Good Sex is based on duration:
39% said 15-29 minutes would suffice and 19% suggested 30-44 minutes.

Good Sex is based on....Good Sex (Regardless of how often or how long)
"The real motor of female sexuality is closeness and connection," one person offered. "Even though I'm not orgasmic during intercourse, I'm still satisfied if there's a closeness and connection."

Another responded "I like a man who takes his time with foreplay and puts you in the right mood."

30% of women preferred their lovemaking to be "slow and sensual," compared to 4% that liked it rough.

"I like when he initiates and it's out of nowhere, not rushed. When he makes me feel pretty and special at that moment."

You've seen their play book. Now, let's go win the game.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers: A Critical Nature

You may have heard that it can be a good thing to offer a little constructive criticism. That may be fine in the workplace, in your golf game or if you're a judge on American Idol. Where it doesn't work so well is with your wife or girlfriend.

Let's be clear on this. Suggestions are good.
Negative remarks, public corrections (especially if you're being critical)...not so much. She's looking for a partner, not a parent.

If this is a constant issue, eventually she will feel self conscious and less comfortable with the relationship. If you have a suggestion, offer it lovingly and be sure to offer more compliments than criticism.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Simple Ways to Show Your Love

Being romantic or affectionate doesn't have to be complicated. In fact, it can be very easy. Here are 10 very easy ways to show her that you love her.

1. Spoil her.
2. As you walk by her, kiss her for no particular reason.
3. Write a note that says "I love you" and put it where she'll find it.
4. Tell her how wonderful she looks.
5. Public displays of affections
6. Be a gentleman, open doors, help her with her coat, etc.
7. Fix her up with a bubble bath.
8. Buy a rose and put it on her pillow.
9. Buy her flowers for no reason.
10.Hold her

This is so easy a caveman could do it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Friday Fun - A cute WHAT?

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to "get busy". The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.

"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Help!

It's Christmas time and stress is high. Thursday on the blog I like to "assign" you things to do or give you reminders of how you can be more romantic.

Today's is easy. This Christmas season, lend her a helping hand. Between work, the kids, shopping, wrapping, getting the house ready, etc, etc, etc....she needs some help.

You....be that help. Go.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Sex Survey: Oral and Your "Favorite" Part of Sex

Wednesday is sex day on the blog and lately I've been focusing on sex surveys. I think it's good to know what other people think and feel about sex.

Two VERY interesting results today.

First, it's important to know that nearly 60% of participants in this particular survey were women.

How important is oral sex to your sex life?

42% A nice menu option
34% Essential: It's a dealbreaker
16% I have an oral fixation
5% OK occasionally
2% Not important
1% This mouth will never touch your genitals

92% rated it "favorable" - anything from "nice option" to "I have a fixation".
The survey doesn't differentiate between giving and receiving, so I'm reading these results as going both ways.

Next,

What is the best part of sex?

5. Afterglow
4. The "knowing it's going to happen" before the clothes come off
3. The orgasm
2. Intercourse
1. Foreplay

We can learn from what others have said. Put these 2 results together and learn what's important: Oral and foreplay. You can figure it out from there.
Make her happy guys.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: History

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Here's something for certain: You cannot change the past. You can work to repair damage and you can change your patterns and behaviors to avoid repeating the past. But that event - it happened. Ok, let's more on and build from here.

But people who live in the past find it impossible to move forward. This can impact a relationship in a number of ways. If one of you compares this relationship to previous ones for example. If you have an ex that reacted a certain way to stress, that doesn't mean your current partner will. If an ex burned you with a certain behavior, you can't carry that into this relationship by expecting the same outcome. This relationship is different, so let it be free from past mistakes.

Another trouble area is bringing up past mistakes from this relationship. I know of a couple who got divorced after being married for about 2 years, because "he yelled at me and made me cry on our honeymoon, and I never got over it." Really?

The past is the past, let's let it rest.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Because It's Important to Her (Part 1)

Here are three (of twelve) important qualities for a guy. Why are they important? Because they're important to HER. And...if it's important to her, it should be important to you too.

Reliability – Wow, I could talk about this one all day. Let me sum it up this way. If you say you're going to do something or be somewhere at a specific time - then do it. Be true to your word and follow through. This will insure that she will rely on you for the long haul.

Commitment – Going along with reliability is commitment. Never do anything that may put doubt in her mind about your commitment to her and the relationship. If you're in the relationship for the long haul, then your romantic and sexual focus needs to be on her.

Respect – The Queen of Soul sang it nearly 40 years ago and it's still true today. You have to respect her opinions, position on things, wishes and boundaries. Even if you don't agree with her, you need to show respect.

Deep for a Monday. You can handle it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Women's Technical Support

A woman writes to the Tech Support department:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry application, which ran flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled other critical programs such as Romance 3.5 and Personal Attention 6. It then installed undesirable programs like Money 5.0 and Football 10.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Note: I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the problem, to no avail.

Please help!



Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Chick Flick - Christmas Style

Thursday is homework day, but I promise this isn't going to be painful. Honest.

Score some points with your lady this Holiday by suggesting a little quiet time together watching a Christmas movie.
Need some ideas? Not a problem:

White Christmas. Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, Vere Ellen.
It's a classic, where Bing and Danny meet the girls and help their old commanding general, who now runs an inn in Vermont. This is a great one and she'll love it.

It's a Wonderful Life. Jimmy Stewart. Jimmy contemplates suicide after losing a ton of money, but an angel shows him the way.

Miracle on 34th Street. Was done in the 40's and remade in the 90's. A man claims to be Santa Claus and gets institutionalized. But a 6 year old little girl never stops believing.

Want to get more modern?

Love Actually (2004) Hugh Grant as the British PM. I've never seen it but it's been called the "best Christmas romance movie you'll ever find." Wow.

Family Man (2000) Nicholas Cage, Tea Leoni, Don Cheadle. It's a comedy and a modern Scrooge story.

There's also any of the versions of Scrooge, and Jim Carrey's Grinch.

Bottom line is this - pick a movie, set aside some time and set up an "in for the night" date night. Get some wine, pop some popcorn, put on the movie and sit close.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Survey says???

Wednesday is "sex" day here on the blog.

I did some research and came across an interesting sex survey for guys.
There were some interesting results:

44% of men said that "sometimes" they wish they had a larger penis.
15% said they wish it was bigger "all the time".
Only 1% said they wished it was smaller.

47% have had sex within the past week, but 18% haven't had sex in over a year.
(Maybe if they had a larger penis....sorry).

29% of men asked, said the neck is the most sensuous part of a woman's body.

And as far as "manscaping" goes - 33% - one third, said it's trimmed nicely, 25% said it's "natural" and 19% are totally shaved.

Ok, well, there ya go. I'll do more surveys in the weeks to come. They're kind of fun.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Stress

Kids, bills, debt, work, repairs. You're tired. And just when you think you need a break, it seems to get worse. Life is definitely like that.

Coaches will tell you that when athletes get tired they lose their form and have to be reminded to use their legs, bend their knees or move their feet. As the stress of the game increases, we need reminders to stay focused.

It's the same in life. When the bills pile up and the collectors are calling, when the kids are crying or someone gets hurt, or a window breaks on the coldest day of the year, you (and your wife) feel like you're going to snap.

I don't want to add one more thing to your list, but let me be the coach reminding you of your form.

a) work together not apart
b) lean on each other for support
c) encourage each other

Together you can get through the difficulties of life. You married each other for a reason. Stand strong together. Work as a team, and keep each other's needs in mind.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Christmas Shopping

Everybody is different. I understand that.
Some of you love Christmas shopping. Some of us don't.
Going from store to store, fighting the traffic, fighting the crowds, waiting in line.
Bah. Hum bug.

But, whether it's your favorite thing to do or not, here's something important to remember: When you're out with the wife and family Christmas shopping, be a help, not a grumbling little boy.

It's not going to help if all you do is complain about the time, the lines, the crowds and how much money is being spent. Overall, the stress level will rise and things will only get worse. So here are a few words of wisdom about Christmas shopping:

1. If you're out with young kids, cherish it. They'll grow up and you'll wish you had the time back.

2. If it's just the two of you, make it fun for her. Be pleasant, get engaged with the process and make suggestions.

I overheard a couple who had this conversation:
Dick: Ok, you go look at whatever stupid thing is next on your list, I'm going over here to look at compressors.
Jane: (perturbed) Fine, but don't be long, because we have a lot to get done.

Sound like a fun night out to you? No, me either. Don't be a Dick. Have a good attitude, make it a fun time and she'll appreciate you for it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Bashing BOTH Sexes...Friday Fun

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? A: Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What do women think men and floor tiles have in common? A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q:. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A: She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Have a great weekend!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Top 3 Grooming Mistakes for Guys

Guys - let's face it. We're not all cut out to be on the cover of GQ. But that doesn't mean we can't do certain things right. Here are 3 common mistakes we tend to make when grooming.

No.3 - Ignoring nose and ear hair
Whether it's work or romance, you have to look good. And it's distracting and gross to look at overgrown hair protruding from your nose and ears. Use small scissors or battery operated trimmers to take care of the mess.

No.2 - Dirty, uncut nails
It's fairly common to see guys with messed up nails. But fingernails should be clipped short (not too short - ouch), and kept clean. Take the time to wash your hands well and get rid of dirt and grease that may be under your nails.

No. 1 - Using too much hair gel
What's worse than hair that's all over the place? Hair that plastered into position. Hair that crunches when touched. Find a gel that keeps you looking good without making you feel like a Ken doll. Don't use too much gel, just enough to keep things in place.

Hope it helps.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Scheduled Sex?

You're past the point of casual hook ups. Your relationship is past the having sex like rabbits stage. You are in a mature relationship and you have responsibilities. Life is busy. There's work, the kids, the house, social events, and plenty of other demands on your time. When is there time for sex?

So the question today is - should we schedule time for sex? Don't get me wrong. If you're in a routine where it's "on" every Sunday afternoon or something like that - stick with it. What I'm talking about is a little different.

Let's say a couple wants to have sex 3 times a week. Should they schedule it on Tuesdays and Fridays at 10:00, and hope for one other time during the week?

There are ups and downs to this approach (if you pardon the pun). The positive view is that you are setting aside time to be intimate and that's important. The negative view is that there is plenty of room for disappointment. What if you're tired or not in the mood? Will you do it anyway? Is that even right? I mean, obligatory sex sucks, and not in a good way.

I think it's great to schedule a date, go out, have some adult time, come home, send the baby sitter home and get busy. I highly advocate doing this. Setting aside time to spend together is very important. But scheduling sex, I'd be careful.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Complacency

Click Here to Start. This will open a new window, then come back here to read. Enjoy!

Each Tuesday I bring you a suggestion on specific things to avoid, in order to keep your relationship out of dangerous water. Today I want to talk about complacency.

After couples have been together for some time, we tend to get very comfortable in each other's space and we lose our edge. We stop worrying about bad habits, don't mind letting out the big farts and burps, and we stopping doing thoughtful things.

Over time we become more like friends than lovers and our intimacy level drops. Sex becomes too familiar and routine, and things start to slide. As a result sex becomes less of a priority and before long we end up as roommates.

This, I believe, is one of most serious issues that couples face. It takes work, commitment, and attention to avoid. Spice things up. Break habits and routines. Get crazy in the sack once in a while and make loving fun.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Christmas Gift Idea: Spa Day

Guys,

I know sometimes it can get tough to come up with a gift that really hits home with your lady, but I have a great idea for you. A day at a spa.

Look for a spa in your area and give her a gift card for a facial, manicure/pedicure, massage or any of the great services they offer. She'll get pampered and will love the relaxing time.

But I want you to go one step further and go with her. Lots of guys are going to spas these days and I can tell you from personal experience that it's really great. Sign up for a couple massage where both you and your lady get a nice relaxation massage in a private room just for the two of you. Take her to lunch after and make the day of it.

Trust me on this, she'll love it. Ladies? Would you agree?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Bad Idea for a Birthday Gift?

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'".

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Thanks Giving

It's Thanksgiving in the US. A day set aside specifically to give thanks.

But it's also Thursday, the day I "assign" the guys a task. Today's task is easy, or at least it should be.

I want you to write your lady a short, two word note and leave it somewhere that she will find it. "Thank you." That's it.

Be prepared though, because she will ask you about the note, and you'll need to express what you are thanking her for.

Thanks for everything you do for me, for the family.
Thanks for your hard work.
Thanks for the way you love me.
Dudes, seriously, this list is endless.

Happy Thanksgiving America. Happy Thursday everywhere else.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Is She Faking It?

Bad news guys: A recent study by the Kinsey Institute reveals that 85% of men think their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex, but only 64% of women say they actually did.

Other studies say that 80% of women fake it at least some of the time.
Ever wonder why?

There are a few reasons - and they're not all terribly bad.

1. She's trying, but just can't get there. For a number of reasons, some may not even be related to you.
2. She's just tired. Sorry, maybe tonight she's willing to let you have some fun, but is too tired to reach the top.
3. She's having sex so you don't feel rejected or angry and wasn't really interested in sex to begin with.
4. Maybe you're not doing something right. In this case, y'all need to chat.
5. She feels like she is taking too long, and is wearing you out - so she "finishes" so you can.
6. Your sex sucks. Ok, that one...that was terribly bad.

I could go on and on with this list. The bottom line is this - it isn't always bad that she fakes it. Don't get put out. But if she's not being taken care of on a regular basis, you do need to fix what's wrong.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers: Her Annoying Habits

Let's be honest. You don't like everything about your partner. And she isn't crazy about every little quirk you have either. But I want to encourage you to be careful how you react to her habits. If you allow little things to get under your skin and fester, they can be kill your relationship.

Over time, little things can be magnified and take on a greater energy than they should. That's when things can get ugly. Remember, everyone has faults. You're not perfect either. Keep things in perspective. Live and let live and allow her to be human.

Remember, her forgetting to turn off lights, or snorting when she laughs isn't a relationship killer. But your reaction over time may be.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Set the Tone in Your Home

I like plaques. Admittedly, some are better than others.
This one is great. It says:

In this home, we believe in celebrating together -
living deeply, laughing often and loving always.
We believe we were brought together to support and care for each other.
We believe in one another, in this family, in this home.

YOU can set THAT tone in your home. And you can begin today.

Stay in touch -

Mark

New Format., New Content

Ok, so here's the new look -

And here's a slightly different approach. Each day of the week will have a recurring theme:

Mondays: Wild Card. This could be anything.
Tuesdays: Relationship Killers. What to avoid to keep things on track.
Wednesdays: Sex.
Thursdays: Your To Do List.
Fridays: Fun

The posts will be short, to the point and easy to read.

Spread the word, and by all means please,

Stay in touch -

Mark

The Difference Between Men and Women

(Click on Image to enlarge).

Look for our NEW FORMAT, starting Monday.
Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers

Clearly, a huge part of your life is comprised of your family and friends, and (with the good comes the bad) the same goes for her. So, if you don't get along with the other people who share your partner's life, it can really kill a relationship.

I agree, it's impossible to love everyone in her life, but you have to maintain good terms as best you can - especially with the people closest to her. This is critical to keeping your relationship on solid ground.

A long term feud with her brother, on-going disagreements with her parents and open stress whenever you see her best friend, are adding up stress in her life and could lead her to have to choose between you and them. And there's never a guarantee how that will go.

Even if it doesn't lead to a break, it's adding a growing amount of undue stress.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Are You Doing "It" Right?

Guys don't really enjoy being told how to do something.
And we don't like being told we're not doing something right.
But when it comes to sex - now there's a hot button.
But really, sex is about BOTH of you, and if you're not doing something right, you really need to know.

First, let me be clear. I don't want this to turn into an annual performance review. "John, we need to work on some long term goals regarding your performance." Most of what you need to know is being communicated during sex. If you're unclear, ask.

Does she respond well when you do a certain thing a certain way?
Does she move away from something else when you do it?
Are you even paying attention???
Listen to her. Is she clearly enjoying this or that, or just going through the motions?

Try this: Just as things are getting going, ask her what she wants. "Tonight is all about you - what can I do for you?" As long as she doesn't say "leave me alone so I can get some sleep", you're good to go. Pay attention to what she likes and make sure it becomes a regular part of your routine.

If you don't know how to do something - it's ok to ask. It may not be the easiest thing to do, but it'll be worth it.

Like every other aspect of your relationship, communication is important regarding sex too.

Stay in touch -

Mark

If it Walks Like a Duck...

Do you remember the Bruce Willis movie "The Kid"? There's a scene where he asks how many time do you have to be called a jerk before it's true. Well, here's the thing...

If you have a specific trait or characteristic, and people independently approach you about it, you most likely need to pay attention to what they're saying and change your behavior.

If you're in a relationship with someone, and several of your friends approach you with similar concerns about your partner, as hard as it might be - you need to listen.

This is very different from running your life by consensus, or going out of your way to please other people. If a number of people, independently see something consistently, then it deserves your attention.

People are often uncomfortable approaching their friends about something negative. If several people are coming to you, you need to realize that what they are saying is very important.

Similarly, if your partner is repeating the same concerns to you over and over, you need to listen. Don't consider it nagging, consider it that you are getting multiple chances to correct something that is bothering her.

So, whether it's about you or a partner, it's a good idea to remember that the people around you care, and you should probably listen.

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Story About Pie

I want to share a story with you about being grateful.

There was a woman who knew that her next door neighbor loved pie. So one day she baked her one and took it over. "Oh this is great! thank you so much, you are a great neighbor" the woman replied.

Knowing how much she liked the pie, the woman decided next week to take another one. "thanks very much" was the reply. Same thing the next week. "thanks" the woman said.

The following week when she delivered a pie the woman said "hey you're a day late." The week after that, "can you make cherry instead of apple all the time"?

The woman's appreciation dropped off over time. She went from being grateful to nagging about the kind of pie she was receiving. And guys, I want to tell you, we do the same thing.

Over time, we lose appreciation for all of the things our partners do for us. We take it for granted. When was the last time you thanked her for something she does that routinely goes unnoticed?

Maybe it's time to notice, and be grateful.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Kids Advice on Dating and Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by children)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan , age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen , age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Have a good weekend.
Stay in touch -

Mark

Say it with Music

Is there a song that comes to mind when you think about your wife/girlfriend?
Hopefully Elton John's "The Bitch is Back" didn't just come to mind.

Going old school, how about "Ain't No Woman Like the One I've Got" or "Some Kind of Wonderful"? Thousands of songs have been written about love and about that special someone that you can identify with.

So?

So...tell her. Put it on a CD or your iPod and play it for her.
Put a whole bunch of the them on a CD and go for a drive. Tell her all the songs remind you of her. Then ride, listen and talk.

Make a "bedroom" CD or playlist for some intimate time.

I think that one thing that attracts people to movies is the underlying soundtrack. And by comparison, our homes are empty of that. Too often, our soundtrack becomes people screaming on the TV, traffic or even worse - silence.

Bring the music back into your relationship and tell her how you feel, with a song.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Say it With Flowers

Here are some tips for letting her know that you are thinking of her...with flowers.

It used to be that guys thought of flowers on birthdays, anniversaries on when we screwed up. But it doesn't have to be (and shouldn't be) that way. When you give her flowers, she'll think of you every time she sees them.

Be Spontaneous.
You don't have to wait for a special occasion to give flowers. In fact, flowers given for no reason other than "I was thinking of you today" mean much more because they are unexpected.

Try Something New.
Women are interested in a wide variety of flowers and colors. So, when giving roses, consider pink, peach, yellow, white, or assorted colors to catch her attention. And, remember, most women appreciate a beautiful assortment of fresh flowers, as well as roses.

Get More Bloom For The Buck.
The prices of some flowers vary seasonally. Roses, for example, are usually a great value during summer months. In the winter, mixed bouquets may be a better way to go.

Flowers Are Never Boring.
Because of their infinite diversity and unique appeal, flowers never lose their specialness. Each new floral arrangement is a fresh and individual declaration of appreciation -- reflecting positively on your imagination and thoughtfulness.

They say that every woman can remember the last time she got flowers!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Say it With Actions

You've heard the expression "talk is cheap", and it rings true. You can tell her you love her, tell her she's special and that you're glad you married her all you want. But if sit on your rear end all day and do nothing to help, it's just empty talk.

But that's black and white. Let me gray things up for you a bit. Lets say you don't just sit around and do nothing. You pitch in here and there. Or when she asks, you get up and help. Good. That's a start. But you're still not doing all you can do.

This is a two step process, but it's easy.

1. Listen/Observe. She'll say specific things that she needs help with, without coming right out and asking for help. Things like "oh I have to pick up such and such, I can't forget to do that." Or "I can't believe how much there is to get done." Things like that are your clue to get engaged, kick in and help.

2. Don't wait for a specific request to help. It may never come. Offer to pick up such and such, or help with the list. Pay attention to what she has on her plate, and initiate the offer to help.

Listen/Observe and initiate. It will make a huge impact on your relationship!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Say it With Words

We've talked in the past how differently men and women communicate. Our communication styles differ as much as our decorating abilities. But clear, concise communication works, particularly when it comes to expressing your feelings.

This works for both of you. It works for you because you don't have to get into a long elaborate discussion about your feelings and emotions. That's not what this is about.

It works for her because she hears words of affection, respect and appreciation from you, in easy to understand language.

The secret? Keep it short and say what you mean. To start, let's focus on three key areas:

1. Appreciation. Simple words of gratitude. "Hey thanks for helping me with the yard work, I liked having you there." "Wow, what a great meal." "Thanks for picking up my (whatever), that really saved me a bunch of time."

2. Affection. Tell her you love her. "I'm so glad you're my wife." "How did I ever get to be so lucky?" And simplest and best of all, "I love you."

3. Respect. Make sure she understands that you respect her thoughts and opinions. "That's a good thought, I hadn't thought of it that way before." "Good idea." "You're right."

Some of you will have trouble with the last one.

What we're after here is an increase in positive communication. It stimulates the relationship. So tell her how you fell. Use words to do it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Afternoon Quickie

There was a couple that had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for a little while.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Thursday's To Do List

This is simple today. There is something I'd like you to do for your wife/girlfriend today.

Text or call her, out of the blue, just to say "I love you."

Oh by the way - that "wife/girlfriend" thing? Yeah, that's an either / or....not both.

Stay in touch -

Mark

1 More on Movember

Here are some quick facts about prostate cancer that every guy needs to know -

It's the 2nd most common form of cancer in men (behind skin cancer).

Men over 50 are most at risk. Other risk factors include high fat diets and being over weight.

Regular screening will help catch it early, which is critical. If you have family history of cancer, you should be getting checked at least every 5 years, but check with your doctor. They'll either do the PSA blood test or the digital rectal exam (which has nothing to do with numbers as I found out).

Men often don't experience symptoms with early prostate cancers. Some later symptoms might include:

* A need to urinate often
* Difficulty starting urination or holding back urine
* Inability to urinate
* Weak or interrupted flow of urine
* Painful or burning ejaculation
* Blood in urine or semen
* Frequent pain or stiffness in lower back, hips, or upper thighs

Here's some good news - sex can actually help deter prostate cancer. "Honey, I know we just did it yesterday, but I'm trying to stay healthy." Yeah, good luck with that one.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Movember

The Mo, slang for mustache, and November come together each year for Movember.

Movember challenges men to change their appearance and the face of men’s health by growing a mustache. The rules are simple, start Movember 1st clean-shaven and then grow a mustache for the entire month. The mustache becomes the ribbon for men’s health, the means by which awareness and funds are raised for prostate cancer. Much like the commitment to run or walk for charity, the men of Movember commit to growing a mustache for 30 days.

The idea for Movember was sparked in 2003 over a few beers in Melbourne, Australia. The plan was simple – to bring the mustache back as a bit of a joke and do something for men’s health.

The Movember mustache has continued to grow year after year, expanding to Canada, the US, UK, New Zealand, Ireland, Spain, South Africa, the Netherlands and Finland.

In 2009, global participation of Mo Bros and Mo Sistas climbed to 255,755, with over one million donors raising $47 Million for Movember’s global beneficiary partners.

For more on this visit www.movember.com

Family

It's been said that “Every father should remember that one day his son will follow his example instead of his advice”.

Relationships are tough. I get that. I understand that sometimes, (nearly 50% of the time according to statistics), relationships fail. But here's another quote for you. "Other things may change us, but we start and end with family."

I have two points:

1. This weekend I was talking with a guy who has a 13 year old daughter. He's divorced and there was a time when he didn't see her as much as he wanted to. It tore him up. Recently, things have changed and he is now in a situation where she can visit him more frequently. He told me three times how important that is to him.
My first point is this - failed relationships put a gap between you and your children that you cannot allow to be permanent. Do everything you can to maintain that relationship and be an active part in their life. In the end, you will recognize how important that is.

2. My second point goes back to the quote at the top of the page. Live a life that demonstrates how to live and how to love. Your children will listen to your example far more than they will listen to your words.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The mop and the penis

A man comes in from running errands and finds his wife hunched over a short mop with only an 18" handle, trying to clean the kitchen floor.

"What are you doing"? he asked. "You look ridiculous."

"You could stand there and criticize me, or you could go to the store and by me a mop with a proper handle" she snapped. "I could do that" he said "or I could just do this - " as he took the mop from her and pulled out the telescoping handle to make it full length.

"Oh that's great" she said. "too bad your penis doesn't do that."

"Maybe it does" was his reply. "Maybe you don't know how to use that either!"

Have a great weekend,

Stay in touch -

Mark

Good Sex

Our sex week continues...

We've talked about frequency and duration of sex - now let's talk about quality.
Sex is like tennis. It's a lot more fun when both people playing are at the same skill level.

In simple terms, sex is good when both people are satisfied. It's not just about you guys, it's about pleasing her and letter her please you. Here are 5 ways to improve your sex life:

1. Communicate. Talk to each other about what makes you hot, and what you don't like. Talk about how long it lasts, what you do, where you do it and how you do it. Talk about it between times when you're having sex and during sex. Cue the music: Let's Talk About Sex. Hint: Don't talk about sex right after sex. This isn't a performance review.

2. Give yourself time. When you're having sex, don't rush. You don't have to jump right to it. Explore, massage, kiss. Foreplay is like Nike - Just Do It.

3. Add some variety. Don't always do the same things, in the same order. Change it up a little. Have one session where it's everything but intercourse. Try some new positions, toys, etc.

4. Exercise. Your overall physical stamina will impact your stamina in the bedroom.

5. Cut loose. Use fantasies or "talking dirty" so that sometimes it's just raunchy sex. But then understand guys, sometimes you are making love, sometimes you are having sex and THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

I hope this helps.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Why Aren't You Having Sex?

This week's blog has been all about sex. It reminds me of a Rodney Dangerfield line: "Sex, sex, sex - everywhere you turn it's sex, sex, sex. I've had it. Not lately though."

So - why not?

The statistics we shared say that on average people are doing it approximately 2 to 4 times a week for ideally around 10 to 13 minutes (of actual intercourse time). If you are in a relationship and you aren't in this range, what's up? Here are a few common reasons people aren't wearing out the sheets:

1. You're too busy / tired. I get it. Life sometimes gets hectic. Between the kids, the job, soccer, hockey, dance, swimming, gymnastics, going to the gym, cleaning, you name it - you simply don't have the energy for fun in the sack. By the end of the day you're beat. So, shoot for earlier in the day, when you still have some energy. Try to work your schedule around sex for a little while. Plan some time for you, it's really important.

2. You don't like your body. Many woman (and men too if we would admit it) will withdrawal sexually if they feel uncomfortable naked. What they don't understand is, as guys - it doesn't bother us. We need to work hard to make sure they understand that they don't have to look like a super model to be hot.

3. Your bed isn't "sexy". Beds used to be for sex and sleeping. Now we bring our laptops to bed, our PDA's and it's just an extension of the office or the rest of the house. Make the bed a demilitarized zone, keep it for just the two of you.

4. Problems in the relationship. I know a guy who was married almost 20 years. His last year of marriage, he and his wife has sex ONCE in that entire year. If you're constantly being turned down in bed, you may need to find out what the underlying problem is. It could be she's getting it somewhere else or is now really turned off by the idea of getting with you. Find out why.

There are lots of other reasons why people don't have sex as often as they used to. Let's focus on making the most of our opportunities, and doing it well.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Normal Sex Duration

Well, it's apparently sex week on the blog.

These results may surprise you. They did me.

Penn State Erie researchers Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani conducted a survey of 50 full members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, which include psychologists, physicians, social workers, marriage/family therapists and nurses who have collectively seen thousands of patients over several decades.

The group rated a range of time amounts for sexual intercourse,that they considered adequate, desirable, too short and too long. These times pertain to actual intercourse, not including foreplay or anything else.

The average therapists' responses defined the ranges of intercourse activity times: "adequate," from 3-7 minutes; "desirable," from 7-13 minutes; "too short" from 1-2 minutes; and "too long" from 10-30 minutes. Past research has found that a large percentage of men and women, who responded, wanted sex to last 30 minutes or longer.

But here's the thing. The amount of time spent becomes less important if both you and your partner are completely satisfied by the time it's over. Several sex therapists recommend that you don't even pay attention to how long you spend in the bedroom. It's the Nike approach to sex - just do it. I have to laugh at the term "adequate". I can just picture it now. Sex is over, your wife turns to you and says "well, that was adequate." Yay.

But I'm here to encourage men to improve their relationships, so let me say this.
Time matters in this regard: If you didn't last long enough to satisfy your woman, then you didn't last long enough. If, when you make the bed again, she's happy - then odds are, it lasted long enough.

One last thought - talk about it together. She will have very specific thoughts on the subject. Be ready for some frank and honest talk if you bring it up.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Are You Keeping "Up" with the Joneses Sexually?

Here are some interesting statistics about sex frequency. You can use this to see how you measure up.

ha, see what I did there? measure...awww forget it.

According to The Chopra Center (Deepak Chopra's wellness site) here's how frequently people you know are getting it on - on average:

When it comes to sex, the only rule is that both partners are willing and enthusiastic participants. It is not uncommon for a man’s sex drive to be stronger than a woman’s, due to both social conditioning and hormones.

In studies on sexual frequency...here are some averages.

Sixteen to twenty years olds have sex on average 3.7 times per week.
Between twenty-one and twenty-five years of age, three times a week is average.
Between twenty-six and thirty, 2.6 times per week is the norm.
Between thirty-one and thirty-five, the frequency drops to 2.3
By forty years of age, couples are having sex twice a week on average.

Duration of the relationship also plays a part. Studies show that the longer you've been together, the less often you do it.

Here's a key point: If you fall into or near this range of sexual activity. You should focus on quality, rather than worrying about quantity.

But several questions remain:
1. How long are people having sex?
2. Reasons for not having sex this often?
3. What do I mean by quality?

Hmm...sounds like we'll have some stuff to talk about this week.

Stay in touch -

Mark

After the Office Party

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's a jerk," Henry said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Henry.
"I did." Louise said. "You're back at work on Monday."

Enjoy the weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Baggage

Have you seen the latest Jerry Springer led show? It's on the Game Show Network and it's called "Baggage". The concept of the show is that there are 3 contestants, each with 3 secrets that get revealed throughout the show.

"I stole my grandmother's credit card."
"I cheated on my girlfriend...with her sister."
"I laugh like a hyena when I drink."

Some, as you can see, are silly. Others are really problematic.

As they go through the game, contestants are eliminated until one remains. Then, the person looking for a partner reveals his or her own secret, and the person who stole from their grandmother has to decide if they can live with the other person's baggage. If so, they get to go on an expense paid date and presumably start a baggage filled life together. If not, you pretty much just wasted a half hour of your life.

It's like watching a train wreck.

But it's also representative of why relationships fail. The difference is - instead of your baggage being revealed all at once - it accumulates throughout the course of the relationship.

"You never listen when I have a problem."
"You are more interested in things than you are in me."
"We never do anything together."
"I can't talk to you any more."

And the baggage accumulates, and one of you decides you can't carry it all any more. And the train wreck starts to hit home.

The key to not having this happen is to break the negative cycle.
LISTEN! If you are told things like "you never..." or "you always...", you need to get serious about this and honestly and objectively think it through. Is there a chance she's right and you "always do..." or "never do..."? Even if the words 'always' and 'never' aren't 100% accurate, take the message to heart and break the cycle. Keep the train on the tracks.

Stay in touch -

Mark

5 Ways to Turn Her On!

I originally called this Romantic Ideas, but honestly, I didn't want to scare anyone away. So - let's forget about calling it romance for now. Let's just say here are 5 ways you can turn her on. Go for it.

1. Make a love song music mix CD and take into the bedroom. Go old school with "Let's Get it On" (Marvin Gaye) and "Kiss you All Over" (Exile). "No Ordinary Love" (Sade) is also a good one. If you don't have the means or the skills to make a CD, go buy one.

2. Get some massage oil and offer her a romantic massage. Set this up ahead of time. Clear the schedule to avoid interruptions. Run her a nice bath, give her a nice relaxing soak time and finish it off with a slow full body massage. Yes, sir - I said full body. You're welcome.

3. Get some foot cream and offer to massage her feet after a rough day. Sorry, just the feet. Help her relax and unwind, she'll appreciate it.

4. Dance. What?! Yup, put on that nice CD you made or bought and dim the lights and slow dance, just the two of you.

5. Surprise her with date night. Pick two or three of her favorite things and arrange a night out. Start with dinner or drinks at a place she likes, go to a show, shopping or whatever else she enjoys. Remember how you tried to impress her back when you were trying to get laid? Yeah....like that.

Let me know how it goes.

Stay in touch -

Mark

What Men Can Learn About Sex....From Brett Favre

Clearly not all of Brett Favre's passes are completions. And, in this case, it appears some got intercepted. So now we've been hearing about big Brett trying to seduce a member of the NY Jets media team, by sending her texts and pictures of little Brett. Let's just say, some things are better left to the imagination. His success as a quarterback is attributed to his arm, not necessarily other parts of his body and by that I mean - his brain.

So what can we "mere mortals" learn from this? A few things:

1. Don't be an idiot. You got the hots for someone at work (and you're married or in a relationship), leave it alone. Don't leave repetitive phone messages and what ever you do, don't pull out Mr Happy and snap pictures of it. Here's a good rule: NEVER send pictures of "yourself" to a woman...especially unsolicited.

2. No matter who you are, no means no. It doesn't seem like Brett physically forced himself on anyone (other than the unsolicited pics), but just because you have a high opinion of yourself, doesn't mean everyone else does.

3. Home is still the priority. If little Brett was lonely, maybe - I don't know - this is crazy - Mrs. Favre could have come by the hotel? Focus on fulfilling your sexual role at home - for most, that's a hard enough task to accomplish without going outside for extra-curricular activity.

Here's the good news about this story. Now I've found something that annoys me about Brett Favre more than his waffling back and forth about retiring. Brett should retire as a auto-photographer, that's for sure.

Stay in touch -

Mark

What Men Can Learn About Sex....from NASCAR?

I know men, we don't like to admit that there is ANYTHING we could learn about sex. But what's the point of good sex anyhow? To create a loving and satisfying experience for BOTH of you. If you're good at it, you will please HER first.

So what does this have to do with NASCAR? Several things:

1. Dale Jr, (in the 88 Amp Energy Drink Chevy Impala) should be our model, our hero when it comes to sex. Why? He hardly ever finishes first.
2. Pit stops should last more than 12 seconds.
3. Following too close is a good thing. :)
4. Two across down the straight away is ok, going 3 wide is dangerous.
5. Like NASCAR, doing the same thing over and over is boring. Spice things up a little.
6. Protective gear is important! Wear a "helmet". The fire suit is over the top.

Get the point? Treat her right and focus on her needs and be a hero in the bedroom.

I'm so glad I didn't need a Dick Trickle reference. (He's a retired NASCAR driver).

Stay in touch -

Mark

Pants and Panties

A couple had just returned home from their honeymoon when the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and says "honey, try these on." She takes one look at his pants and her small frame and says "sweetie, there is no way I could wear your pants."

"Good" he replied, "Always remember that. I wear the pants in this family."

The wife then tossed him her panties and asked him to try them on.
"Ha!" he laughed. "There's no way I can get into your panties."
"Right" she replied, "and it will stay that way if you don't lose your attitude!"

Happy Friday everybody.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Best Laid Plans

A final serious thought about the wedding.

Weddings obviously mark the beginning of a life that is intended to last "'til death do us part." But statistically, around half of the marriages don't last. The reasons are countless. Countless too, are the emotions you can observe at different stages of the wedding and reception.

The father of bride walks his "little girl" down the isle. The mother of the bride stresses over....just about everything. Many of the guys can't wait for the service to be over, so we can get to the open bar. The girls at the wedding are soaking it all in - either dreaming of their day, or remembering what is was like for them.

Which brings me to the point of today's blog. During the groom's speech, he was talking about how in love he was, how happy she makes him and how he will love her forever. I looked around the room and saw one woman crying. She had heard those words too, at her wedding not long before. Except now, she's at this wedding alone, while her ex-husband is out goofing off with another woman.

What happened? It's only been a couple of years.
I remember how happy I was.
We had such a good thing going, what went wrong?

If you don't take anything else with you from what I write, take this.
Marriage is hard work and it IS NOT based on emotion. Go back to Monday's post about love being a choice. We must work at this and choose to make it work.

I'm writing a book on relationships for men. There are tons of tips and things that you can do to sweep your woman off her feet. But ultimately, it comes down to you and her making a decision to make it work. And in the end, it's worth it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Pinky Swear

This past weekend, prior to the wedding, my wife and I had dinner with great friends of ours. They were telling us about some plans that they have, and how they are going about reaching their goals.

They have agreed on a "two year window" to accomplish something significant. This is something that would affect their whole family, and they are focused on getting this done. Their commitment to each other was: A pinky swear.

I love this.

There are several excellent relationship things here. First, they agreed on a common goal. They set a reasonable time frame to reach the goal. And they pinky swore. Who doesn't love a good pinky swear? It's simple, cute and is something they specifically remember doing in a commitment to one another on this goal.

One of the key things I want to touch on about this is their two year window. Windows, or time frames for getting things done, are interesting. If you make them too short, you will find yourself under extreme pressure to reach your goal. But if you make it too long, it becomes easily forgotten. In this case, for this goal, they nailed it.

Here is a perfect example of a couple agreeing on goals, setting reasonable timing and sealing the commitment with a solemn pinky swear.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The Shoe Game

Have you seen the shoe game they play at wedding receptions? The bride and groom sit back to back, each holding one of each of their shoes. Then the emcee asks a question (like who is most likely to say "I love you" first?) and they have to hold up the shoe of the appropriate person.

Continuing the theme from this past weekend's wedding, let me tell you about this version of the shoe game.

Who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? Shoes go up.
Who is the best kisser? Shoes go up.

Who wears the pants in the family? Slight hesitation.
Then, something interesting happened. Remember, they can't see what the other person is doing. He raises her shoe. She raises his.

In it's worst case scenario, this could play out that nothing gets done because each is looking to the other to take charge. But that's not how I see it with these two.

My take is that these two will respect that the other has significant input and leadership responsibilities regarding things of the house and home. They see themselves as being able to be submissive when necessary and in charge when needed.

I like this.

What if he raised his shoe and she raised hers? Sure, it would have made for a few laughs at the reception, but I'd be writing a different blog today.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Love is a Choice

My wife and I attended a wedding this weekend, and several noteworthy things were said and done. Weddings are interesting because they can be used as good reminders of how we felt when we said "I do." It can conjure up thoughts of the ideal marriage, remind us of our vows and promises and encourage us to get focused on some very important topics.

The blog this entire week will be devoted to things I heard, observed and learned at this past weekend's wedding.

The pastor at this small Anglican church commented on those very familiar words from First Corinthians 13 (Love is kind, doesn't envy, etc). But the next passage was from Colossians 3, verse 14: "but above all these things, put on love." The pastor reminded us that love is a choice. "Every morning when you wake up, make the choice to love your partner. And remind yourself of that choice every night before you go to bed."

Wise words. When we first meet, emotions carry us into love. But emotions don't last, and love is not an emotion. Love is a choice. Love is a verb - an action.

Today and every day, choose to "put on love". Wear it. And remember, when you're wearing something, others can see it. I'm wearing a Phillies hat as I write this. I wear it so people know I'm a fan. I put on my love for my wife. People see that too. They know by my actions that I'm a fan of hers. I love, by choice.

Stay in touch -

Mark

We Communicate Differently

Yeah, that's not what she meant...either time:

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air; the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how he needs to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"

Say it, Mean it

Every once in a while I scan the relationship forums to find out what people think. Sometimes it's like reading an episode of Jerry Springer. But sometimes there is a a topic worth noting. Here's one I found yesterday, that I thought was interesting.

A woman writes that her boyfriend never tells her that he loves her. She says "He used to tell me he loved me all the time, but now he doesn't say it unless I say it first. I have cried to him about it twice and he says that he does love me but that he "doesn't think about it" because he has been really stressed for the past month."

One of the people that replied to her post (a guy) said that she was adding stress to him by complaining that he never says it. Really? Give me a break.

What are the problems here?
First, the fact that he "doesn't think about it" is a problem. How can you be in a relationship and not think about how you feel about the other person. It would be like waking up in the morning and saying "I'm so completely indifferent to you."

Second, he's stressed from school. If he can't remember to tell her that he loves her while he's in school, what will it be like when the pressures of real life crash in on his little world?

Finally, if he isn't focused enough on her to say I love you - he certainly isn't going to rock her world. And forget about him going out of his way to do things for her, surprise her and treat her right.

Baby boy needs to grow up, suck it up and remember - if someone means something to you, tell them. Say it, and mean it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Dealing with Her Self-Consciousness

Yesterday we heard from Alyssa Milano that all women are self-conscious at one point or another. And we reviewed some of the signs that you can pick up on that will identify when those moments have arrived. Today I'll give you some tips on how to respond.

First, don't get irritated with her. Think about it. Do you think that she REALLY wants to be stressing over what to wear or how she looks? She's not doing this on purpose, so cut her some slack.

Next, if you're asked one of the dreaded questions - don't panic. Here's what to do. Be honest. (No, not "I don't give a crap, just pick something" honest). Let's review:

Potential question: "Does this make me look fat?",
Your response needs to be honest AND not offensive. IF what she's wearing DOES INDEED make her look somehow less attractive, you need to let her know. You can't say "wow your butt is huge in those jeans". But you can say, "it isn't as good of a look as the other thing you were wearing", or "it isn't really very flattering". There may be a brief period of discomfort, but if you're not a jerk about saying it, she'll appreciate the honesty.

Potential question: "Which shoes should I wear?"
Good answer: "they both look great to me, but I really like these".

Potential question: "Does this look alright?"
If it looks alright, tell her how great she looks. If you've told her previously that something doesn't look good on her, you'll have credibility now. Remember if ever answer is an uninterested "you look fine", you'll have no street cred at this point.

Important tip: Try not to tie being late to telling her she looks good. She'll think you're only saying she looks good to get her out the door. Again, credibility.

That should help.

Stay in touch -

Mark

She's self conscious...sometimes.

Men, here's a quote that you'll want to remember:

"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." -- Alyssa Milano

It's one thing to understand that your wife/partner/girlfriend is self conscious. But it's an entirely different thing to understand what that means.

Being self conscious means that she is very self aware. In a best case scenario this would mean that she is balanced in a healthy way and is acutely aware of both her good and bad characteristics. In a less than best case scenario - the bad will out weigh the good (in her mind) and shyness or various insecurities and confidence issues will emerge.

This is the underlying emotion behind the question - 'Does this make me look fat'?

But here's where it gets tricky. Most women are only self conscious some of the time. You'll notice in Alyssa Milano's quote the terms "bad days" and "really bad days". You need to be perceptive enough to pick up on those self conscious moments, and know how to react.

How to pick up on it:
Besides the "does this make me look fat" question - which is a dead give away, you can tell that she's feeling self conscious during the multiple change of clothes episode - where she's tried on 15 different tops. Or when she says "I don't have anything to wear", extra primping in the bathroom, repetitive questions about her looks, or if you find her fishing for compliments.

The key here is that you are paying attention to her and can pick up on the situation. Key number two is reacting properly.

Let's let that sink in for now, and I'll give you some thoughts on how to react tomorrow.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Wearing a Visor

Those of you who watch football or hockey know that some players wear a visor on their helmet, to protect their eyes. In football, some wear tinted or darkened visors so that their opponents can't see where they're looking.

Well, I've been wearing a visor too.

I don't play football any more and I never played hockey, but I've been wearing the equipment for the past several weeks.

I've been introverted, and hiding emotionally behind a mask. I haven't been out-going, haven't been interested in other people or their needs. Emotionally, internally, it's all been about me. I've been hiding.

It may have started several weeks ago when my Dad died, I'm not sure. I don't even want to spend a lot of time thinking about when it started, or even why. I'm focused on that it happened, and changing it.

What's the big deal? Well, for starters, I haven't been myself. I'm normally out-going and friendly and considerate of other people's needs. Also, this has started to go beyond me being introverted, and was turning into me becoming really selfish.

So my question to you is this: What mask are you wearing today? Do you hide behind a Chuck Norris tough guy mask? Do you camouflage yourself behind your status, money, job or reputation? Or are you open, honestly confident in who you are - so that you can be real in your relationships and sincerely care about the needs of those around you?

I hope you're free enough to be you. If not, take steps today towards taking off the mask or removing the visor. Let people in. Your life will be richer for it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Take 5

Special announcement:

I am backing off the blog for a little while. Why?
Two main reasons:

1. I'm travelling on business and it's practically impossible to get quality Internet time where I am.

2. I want to focus on the development of the book. Your feedback over the past 7 months has been very valuable, and I need to capture a lot of these thoughts before I lose them.

The blog is NOT going away. Just taking a nap.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Happy Father's Day

Ok, I'm a day late, but I don't blog on the weekend. :)

The main theme of this blog and the book to follow is about becoming a better man. And often we focus on being a good husband and partner. But for many, being a good man also means being a good dad.

Here are a few lyrics from a song that you've probably never heard. It's from a guy named Rob Gallion who also has a blog. Rob's words are great reminders for us around Father's Day.

He’s gonna need a Dad to show him how
To throw and bat the ball
He’s gonna need him there for his first bike ride
Ready to catch his fall
He’s gonna need his strength in the dark of night
His praise to know when he’s doing right
Lord, please let him see how a Father’s love should be

So much pops out from that simple verse. But the bottom line is this. Our children are going to learn so much from us, it's almost frightening. They're going to learn how to love (and possibly hate), how to laugh, how to deal with difficult situations, and how to act in relationships. They're going to learn what's good and bad, primarily from you.

Your sons are going to learn what a father looks like.
Your daughters are going to understand what kind of husband they should look for.

What messages are you sending? You're always "on the air". Be careful what you broadcast.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Go Out and Play

Remember when you were a kid and your Mom would tell you to go out and play? Well, I'm telling you the same thing.

I don't care what it is. I don't care where you go or what you do. Just go play.
Take the day off from your work, your chores and everything else that is going on in that busy life of yours and go do something fun.

Let's be clear. I'm not talking about going out after work (although that's good too). And I'm not talking about going out with a bunch of friends or family (also fine in it's own right).

What I'm talking about is the two of you, going out, during a work day, and playing.

The time together, alone is fantastic.
The fun things you'll do will be therapeutic.

Go to an amusement park and ride the rides together or go to an afternoon baseball game. Go to the beach, or lake. Play golf or whatever it is you like to do. The specific activity doesn't matter. What matters is that everything else is left behind and the two of you are having fun....together.

Go.

but Stay in touch -

Mark

The problem with Utimatums

"Do this or else"!

"It's my way or the highway"!

"If you don't right now, I'm going to "

Simply put - ultimatums suck. I was in a relationship where the ultimatum was (believe it or not) the primary form of negotiation. Seriously. Note the key word from that sentence "was". That relationship is history.

So what's the big deal? What's wrong with an ultimatum?

First, an ultimatum is basically nothing more than manipulation. I'll do more on manipulation in the future, but this is NOT the path to a healthy relationship. In fact, manipulation is abusive.

Ultimatums are aggressive. Now I understand that sometimes you reach a point in a relationship where you need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion and get everything out on the table. But when ultimatums are a part of your regular routine, it isn't conducive to a loving relationship.

Ultimatums are obnoxious and add pressure to an already difficult situation. This escalates the tension rather than working towards a resolution.

Finally, even if you get what you want through this manipulation technique, the resentment factor of your partner has to be considered. This opens the door for retaliation and then the ultimatums become commonplace in your relationship.

I didn't mean to go all Dr. Phil on you - but ultimatums are not healthy.

Stay in touch -

Mark