Now...the Kitchen

Yesterday we reviewed some basic cleaning, tidying, dusting and vacuuming.
But we left off at the kitchen.

The kitchen is a room that can take the hardest beating throughout the day. After 3 meals and snacks, the kitchen can look like a FEMA training site. So obviously, without staying on top of the kitchen, things can get out of hand very quickly.

I actually knew someone who left dirty dishes (with the food still on the plates) for DAYS, stacked up on top of the counter. Talk about gross!

So what do we need to do in the kitchen?

Start by running a sink of hot soapy water.
Scrape the dirty plates into the trash and let them soak in the sink.
If you have a dishwasher, rinse the plates and load the in the dishwasher.

Next, it's much like what we did in the rest of the house. Clear the clutter and tidy up. Throw out other garbage, put the tins and plastics in the recycling bins and put things away. Somehow, things end up in the kitchen that don't belong there. Cell phones on the counter, wallets on the table, whatever. Put them in their place too. A clutter free working space is key to tackling the kitchen.

Take a dish cloth and wipe down the counter top, stove and other appliances.

Sweep or vacuum the floor to pick up loose dirt, etc. Then hit it with a wet mop, steam cleaner or Swiffer to finish it off.

Finally, take out the trash and recycling.

The result is a clean, clutter free kitchen!

Stay in touch -

Mark

You Suck...I Hope

Guys, it is important that we do our fair share around the house. That means understanding how your partner likes things done, and doing them to the best of your ability. We need to help put things away, dust and (here comes the "sucking" part) vacuuming. So really, I do hope you suck...up things out of your carpet.

This simply shouldn't fall 100% on your partner. You live there too. And besides, a vacuum cleaner IS a power tool, so how bad can it be?

Here's a basic overview of what needs to be done at a minimum when you clean.

Start by putting things away. Getting the clutter out of the way makes the rest of the stuff a lot easier. Oh - and "out of the way" means "AWAY", not just moved to another room.

Dust. Get a dust cloth and some Pledge. Spray a little Pledge on the cloth, move stuff off of what you're dusting and wipe it down. Tables, TV stand, TV, lamps, pictures. Anything with a smooth surface should be dusted. If it has a glass surface, use some glass cleaner with a paper towel (or the glass cleaner wipes).

Vacuum. Suck it up. Don't just do the main walking areas - vacuum the room.

The blog is starting to get a little long, so we'll talk about cleaning in the kitchen tomorrow. I'm just keeping it real...we gotta help keep it clean. Your partner will appreciate it. I've heard it said that a man doing housework is a real turn on with the ladies. Try it, you won't be sorry.

Stay in touch -

Mark

7 Months and 7 Minutes

We bought a house back in August. There is a storage room in the basement, and the light doesn't work. I changed the bulb. That didn't work. Then I did what we tend to do all too often. I did nothing.

This weekend my wife asked me if I could take a look at it, because she doesn't like going in that room without light. So, Saturday I had a look.

It took SEVEN minutes to fix.

As it turned out, the two lead wires had come apart. They simply needed to be twisted together. So the 7 minutes includes the time it took me to plug in the extension cord and light, take the fixture off, fix the connection, put it back together and put the light away.

Seven months. Seven minutes.

It really puts into perspective how silly it is to procrastinate. We tend to put off things that we think are going to be tough to deal with, often to find that it isn't as bad as we feared.

What are you putting off? Is there something in the house that she's been asking you to fix? Is there something in your relationship? Is there a habit that you need to break?

It's time for action.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Add Some Sizzle

A while ago Esquire Magazine ran a feature called "75 Skills Every Man Should Master". I want to talk about one of the skills they suggest.

Learn to cook meat somewhere other than the grill.

The article suggests that you buy a Julia Child cookbook, but I'm not sure that's the best choice. But the point is - buy a cookbook and learn some recipes. The popular chain bookstores are packed with good cook books. Find something that looks good to you, maybe 10 to 20% beyond your current skill set and go for it! It's also very likely that you have cookbooks around the kitchen. They work too! An alternative to the whole cookbook thing is to go digital. You can pick up some excellent ideas by watching the Food Network, where you can watch someone prepare the meal. Another choice is to use my favorite recipe website www.allrecipes.com

It's okay to fail at first. If you're really new to cooking, put a disclaimer on the meal and say "pizza is on me if this doesn't turn out." Have the pizza place on speed dial, and go for it.

Here are some tips to help you along:

1. Find a recipe. Start by finding a cookbook that looks interesting and find a main dish that looks good.

2. Plan the menu. Start with the main dish and think it through. No meal is complete without vegetables and a carb - like potatoes, rice or pasta. Think about what you want to make and be sure that you have everything you need. For example - consider adding a salad (but make sure you have salad dressing).

3. Do the shopping. Look at the list of ingredients in the recipe, add the items for the rest of the menu and hit the grocery store.

4. Don't be intimidated. Follow the instructions and be confident. Let me give you this advice about using a frying pan. Forget about "high" or the top setting on your dial. Back it off, cook it a little slower.

5. Ask for help. Really. It's not a sin to need some help once in a while.

Master the skill and you'll be better for it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

How Do You Communicate?

We all have different communication styles, and different styles work for different relationships. So it's very difficult for me to give specific advice on what communication style will work for you. But here are some useful communication tips that will work, regardless of your style.

1. Let's start with how I end each blog: Stay in touch. I know, you see and talk to each other every day. But are you in touch? Do you know what she's feeling? Do you know what's on her mind? What might she be concerned or anxious about? Stay connected to each other emotionally.

2. Reaffirm your love. Using whatever style works in your relationship, make sure she is reminded daily that you love her. Tell her, leave her notes - whatever you want - just do it.

3. Be respectful, even when you disagree. Ouch. I fail at this. It's ok to disagree. It's ok to get angry at your partner. But please, don't lash out.

4. Make time to talk. I'm not talking about soccer schedules, kid's routines or reminders about taking out the trash. I mean real conversation. Talk about each other, how you feel, the whole bit. It will help you with tip #1, staying in touch. Take walks together, go for a bike ride together, or just lay in bed and talk. It doesn't hurt, honest.

Communicating openly is critical to any relationship. Let her know what's on your mind (she shouldn't have to guess) and learn more about what she's thinking. Your relationship will benefit from it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

I Want to Be Better at It

Powerful, fantastic words. "I want to be better at it."
I know I'm not the best partner but, I want to be better at it.
I know there are parts of our relationship that I don't handle well but, I want to be better.
I know there are times I don't give you everything you need but, I want to.

If you're having difficulty in your relationship, a good way to try and turn things around is to express this sentiment. But be ready because these words are a call to action...for yourself!

First, you have to mean it. You truly have to want to be better in the relationship. If you aren't willing to work at improving, then this phrase isn't for you. But be warned that your relationship isn't going to improve until you're ready to put in your fair share of effort.

Second, you are probably going to hear (several) suggestions on how to improve. "I just need you to..." DO NOT take this as a negative thing. You are being given the raw materials that you need to build the solution. Listen to her!

Here's the structure of how this works:
You say you want to improve.
She tells you what she needs.
You do it.

Sorry if I over simplified.

Finally, we don't improve at things that don't have our focus. Tiger Woods didn't....ok....bad example....Phil Mickelson didn't become a great golfer by being half interested. Peyton Manning didn't become a great quarterback by being committed half way. It takes practice, but the good news is, you can do it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Winning Formula

Recently, I've spent a fair amount of time with a couple that we know well. For the longest time they seemed grumpy, with each living their own separate life under the same roof as their partner. But I've noticed a huge change recently and I really like three things that I see in them.

First, they're laughing together, a lot. They've always had the same sense of humor, but how it's spilling over into their everyday life, and they're fun to be with.

The second thing that they're doing is consulting each other. They are planning a minor home renovation and they are working together well, asking each other's opinion and really doing a good job communicating.

But it isn't just that they're communicating on big ticket items. They share with each other. They tell each other things they saw during the day, or conversations they had, and they enjoy it.

So the bottom line is this. Laughing, asking each other's opinion and communicating. Sharing events from the day. These two are not only husband and wife. They are best friends. And it's a winning formula.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Hair Club for Men

Lets focus on something a little different today. In the days ahead we're going to look some really interesting relationship topics, but today I want to talk about hair.

huh? Yup - hair.

Looks aren't everything, and I caution against putting too much emphasis on outward appearance. But - it is important for us to eliminate negative aspects of our grooming that are a turnoff for our partner. Presentation is important.

The most common mistake that men make in grooming is the use of cheap hair gel. It dries out, flakes up and makes your head look untouchable and gross. And using too much gel only makes the situation worse. Remember, we want to be approachable and touchable. And I don't want to see you doing something in your daily routine that's a huge turnoff.

Use a quality gel that will allow you to use just a little and will still give control to your hair. Unless you're auditioning for a 50's musical, grease isn't the word.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Don't Be Crude

Wrapping up our mini series on being a gentleman, with some tips for how to act in public. Don't be crude.

I know a man who I meet four or five times a year at various functions. For some reason, he says something that makes me cringe virtually every single time I see him. Don’t get me wrong – I am no prude. But this guy doesn’t seem to know how to hold a decent conversation without saying something vulgar, graphic or plain disgusting. And to make it worse – his comments are generally very loud and in public, either at lunch, dinner or in an inappropriate setting. Whether he is trying to be funny or trying to be “manly”, he is coming across as crass, ignorant and low-classed. If these conversations were held in private (and I would suggest away from the lunch / dinner table), it would be less vile and offensive. The setting makes the difference.

Here is another example how you can get away with certain behavior when you are home alone, that just will not fly around company. I was at a friend’s house one night for dinner and my buddy let out a giant fart at the dinner table. He thought it was hilarious. His wife turned beet red and left the table to get “something” from the kitchen. Later the same night he had a huge belch during a card game and she was embarrassed at him again. My friend had a great time. His wife...not so much.

A little class and charm goes a long way in a relationship.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Chivalry is Not Dead

Continuing with our theme of being a gentleman, let me suggest that chivalry is not dead. At least it shouldn't be. Chivalry is a collection of attributes, including being courteous, generous and polite. Here are some ways that you can demonstrate chivalry in your own relationship:

1. Open a door for her – the car, the restaurant.
2. Help her with her coat (on and off).
3. Wait to eat your meal until her food arrives or until she is seated.
4. Ask if she needs anything or if there is anything you can do for her.
5. Offer your jacket if she is cold. If you’re at home, get her a blanket.
6. Offer your seat. She should NEVER have to stand while you sit.
7. Offer your hand or arm – especially in bad weather.
8. Give up your umbrella, you’re not sugar, you won’t melt. At the very least, share the umbrella.
9. Walk her to her car.
10. Offer to carry her packages.

That's 10 ways to demonstrate chivalry. What others can you think of?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Remain Calm, Cool

We're reviewing some tips for being a gentleman. Tip #1 is to keep your emotions in check. Remain calm and do not lose your cool. By losing your temper, you are demonstrating that you cannot control yourself and your emotions. Have you ever seen James Bond “lose it” or “go ballistic”? No. That is not his style. “007” keeps his emotions in check and continues to present a suave and sophisticated demeanor, no matter what circumstances he finds himself. I know, he is a fictional character – in a movie. And this is real life. But if you are predominately known as being someone who remains calm, instead of flying off the handle, you will gain the respect of those around you.

Also, if you generally don't raise your voice and lose your temper, it will give you much more credibility during those (rare) circumstances when it is appropriate for you to be angry.

It is essential to maintain control of yourself in professional settings, in social circles and definitely in relationships. Trust me on this guys – this is coming from someone who took far too long to learn this – losing your cool is simply not acceptable. It makes you look bad.

Stay in touch -

Mark

GQ - Part 1

The "G" in GQ stands for Gentleman.

Being a gentleman has many rewards. The class and charm that comes from this kind of behavior can help you in many areas of your life – including customer service disputes, dealing with people at work, in social circles and most definitely in relationships. And let’s face it - there is nothing wrong with classing up the joint by being polite and attentive to those around you, especially when it comes to treating your partner with respect, class and dignity.

I could write for weeks about being a gentleman, but we'll take just a few days and explore a few ways to act like a gentleman.

I want to set the record straight here guys. I don’t want you to think for a minute that I am asking you to turn in your “man card”, or to be less masculine or to be a big sissy. That is not what I am suggesting at all. You can be a man, be tough – whatever works for you. All I am saying is that being kind and respectful never goes out of style. Simply put - it pays to be a gentleman, and being a gentleman is cool.

Comments welcome. Feel free to share your thoughts.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Build Up, Don't Tear Down

Living in an environment where you are building each other up sets a positive tone for the entire relationship. Would you rather live in a home where grace out muscled grudge, where mistakes weren’t fatal and forgiveness was freely given, or in a home where every flaw was magnified and every mistake broadcast for the world to see? The answer is obvious, or - at least it should be.

Balance tip: Is it fair for one of you to live in a house of grace and forgiveness while the other carries a burden of guilt, pressure, constant reminders of every wrong ever committed? Of course not.

Instead of being critical and harsh, speak words of love. Since when did it become your job to correct her when she says or does something wrong? Instead of finding fault for the one or two things she did wrong, give credit for the hundreds of things she does well. Remember, you are BOTH flawed. Neither of you is perfect.

It is a good practice to picture yourself back in the day when you first started your relationship. Would you have been critical and torn her down on your first few dates if she said something wrong? If you had, there’s a good chance that you wouldn’t have gotten very far with the relationship. Have that same level of consideration now.

Stay in touch -

Mark

While My Guitar Gently Weeps

A George Harrison classic.

"I don't know why nobody told you, how to unfold your love."

Do you know how to unfold your love? Do you even know what that means?
To me it means opening up your love to express what needs to be said, to do what needs to be done and even to feel what needs to be felt.

One of the worst things that can happen in a relationship is when one partner shuts down emotionally and doesn't share what he or she is thinking or feeling. The relationship becomes a guessing game and the two partners rarely connect.

Let me encourage you, as we wrap up Beatles Week, to unfold your love.

Tell her what's on your mind. Use kind words.
Tell her you love her and don't want to live without her.
Show her what's in your heart. Be extravagent.
Demonstrate that you're thinking about her. Do things for her.
Tell you you appreciate her.

Love her.

Stay in touch -

Mark

I Am the Walrus?

Beatles Week - Day 4.

Let's see if we can make sense of this..."Yellow matter custard Dripping from a dead dog's eye Crabalocker fishwife Pornographic priestess Boy, you've been a naughty girl you let your knickers down I am the eggman They are the eggmen I am the walrus Goo goo g' joob."

huh?
I got nothin'.

So let's move to a different song - How about "Here, There and Everywhere".

"I want her everywhere. And if she's beside me, I know I need never care.
But to love her is to need her...everywhere."

Beautiful lyrics that show a great perspective about how to feel for your partner.

For me, doing things or going places is one thousand percent better when my wife goes along. When I go somewhere alone, I tend to think how nice it would be if she was with me, and I make an effort to return with her, so she can experience it too!

Am I able to function without her? Yes. But she's my best friend, I love her deeply and I want her with me...everywhere.

Stay in touch -

Mark

I Feel Fine

Beatles Week - day 3.

Today I want to focus on the bridge of another Lennon/McCartney classic "I Feel Fine."

"I'm so glad that she's my little girl.
She's so glad, she's telling all the world."

If your wife/girlfriend was telling "all the world" about your relationship, what would she be saying?

Do you ever wonder what women talk about when they get together? Often it’s about us. If she’s talking about how well you treat her, how thoughtful you are and all of the positive ways you impact her life, her friends are going to tell her how jealous they are and how lucky she is. She'll feel good. She’ll be happy, you’ll be happy.

But, imagine the scene if someone else is telling your partner how her husband does all these things for her, and in comparison you just don't measure up. In this scenario it’s your partner thinking someone else is lucky – and she’s jealous. Do you think life will be as good? Not likely. And here’s the worst part - much of the blame falls on you – because treating her right is generally in your control.

Which partner would you rather have, the one who is jealous of how another woman gets treated, or the one who is being told how lucky she is? Which man would you rather be?

Stay in touch -

Mark

You're Going to Lose That Girl

Beatles Week continues. You're Going to Lose That Girl, from the Album "Help!"

Words and music by Lennon and McCartney -
"If you don't treat her right my friend
You're gonna find her gone.
'Cause I will treat her right and then
You'll be the lonely one."

One of the top reasons that women leave a relationship is because they feel neglected, under appreciated and ignored. John and Paul got another one right when they said if you don't treat her right, you're gonna find her gone.

Maybe you come from a very conservative background, and you think it could never happen to you. WRONG! Sorry. Maybe you don't think you've done enough wrong to cause her to stray. Don't be naive. There's no mathematical formula for this. Maybe you don't find her as attractive as you once did, so you think no one else would find her attractive either. Don't be an idiot.

Treat her right. Appreciate everything she does for you, and do things for her in return. It goes a long way.

The bridge of the song says "I'll make it a point to take her away from you." That's another good thing to remember. There are guys everywhere who are willing to give her what she needs. If you aren't the guy she needs you to be, you just may end up "the lonely one."

Stay in touch -

Mark

Beatles Week: Day 1

This week, I'm going to base each post on a lyric from a song by the Beatles.

"Help. You know I need somebody. Not just anybody. You know I need someone. Help!"
Paul McCartney (“Help”)

I wonder how many of us have the whole relationship thing wrong right from the start. If you think that she is in the relationship just to help you, make dinner for you, cook and clean and take care of your things – then you are sadly mistaken. If you are in that kind of relationship, you are either miserable (or your partner is), or you are very likely mistreating her. Conversely, if she thinks you are in the relationship to work hard, make the money and provide so that she can sit back and do nothing – then she is sadly mistaken, and you, my friend, may be getting mistreated.

Our relationships will benefit if we approach them like we’re on a Coast Guard mission, rather than a cruise ship. If we’re in the relationship to help, to serve and to work, it will be a lot smoother sailing than if all we want to do is sit on the deck by the pool and wait for someone to bring us a drink. But don’t get me wrong – because all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. We definitely need to build fun and relaxation into the relationship. But we also need to be willing to roll up our sleeves and do some hard work.

Marriage, whether by ceremony or common law is about being a team and having a formal partnership. It’s about looking out for each other, caring for each other and taking care of each other – equally.

Stay in touch -
Mark

Respect

R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to me.

I stopped at a little coffee shop last night and the girl behind the counter said "thank you sir." That led to a discussion on manners, respect, guys opening doors for women and being a gentlemen.

There were four 20-somethings behind the counter and I wanted their opinion on the significance of respect and how important it is that a guy be a gentlemen.

The consensus was, according to my little informal survey, that being a gentleman was important. "8 out of 10", was the rating that everyone agreed on.

But respect was even higher! "11 out of 10." Please, math scholars don't have to tell me that isn't possible. You get the point. Respect in a relationship is HUGE. I asked them to elaborate. "Treating me as an equal, respecting my boundaries, treating me well."

These 20-something girls have it figured out. Guys, how about us?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Taken For Granted?

We've been talking over the last couple of days about giving your partner priority status. The opposite of that is taking your partner for granted. Here's what some people, who have been taken for granted have to say about it...

"it just becomes second nature to expect it from those that you know are doing you wrong."

"It sucks when someone takes me for granted because I have had self esteem issues for most of my life and I have a hard time standing up for myself."

"I truly do hate it.. problem is I never see it in time. I always take a hit right were it hurts."

Not pleasant images are they? "doing you wrong", "self esteem issues", "hit right where it hurts". Is that the kind of relationship you want for your partner?
As the very least it's impolite. In it's worst forms it's abuse. In any case, it's not something that builds up a relationship.

How do we fix it?
Show some appreciation. Say thank you. Notice when things are done for you.
Do things in return. Be engaged in the relationship. Participate.
Don't just take.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Priority Status

I travel a lot on business.
And because I do, I now get priority treatment.

My luggage get abused before yours do!
I get free passes to the airline's lounge.
And if the circumstances are just right, I get a free upgrade.

Yesterday we talked about proper care, and a comment suggested that it may be because so many other things get attention that the obvious gets missed and taken for granted. Here's what I think.

I agree that relationships are bombarded with distractions. Work, play, relaxation, schedules, friends and family all cut in to our personal, intimate time with our partner. But lets be clear, where our treasure is - our heart will be. Remember back when the relationship first started? You would have likely dropped everything to spend quality time together. The problem is, over time we become familiar and complacent. We lose focus. We forget where the true treasure is.

We have to remember that a conscience effort is needed to give our partner priority status. And we need to willingly shift things in our schedule to make sure we have time to focus our attention on the person that matters most.

Let's explore "taking people for granted" more tomorrow.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Proper Care

If we were talking about cars, boats, motor cycles, lawn mowers - or any other mechanical device – we would understand about proper maintenance and how important it is to take care of “her”.

If we were talking about sports, we would understand that it is necessary to work out, to be in shape, to practice and that is necessary to execute a game plan or to build a team that brings about championships.

If we were talking about our careers, it would be clear that we are expected to “show up” every day. We would likely understand our weaknesses and work hard (possibly even take courses) to overcome them.

Like equipment, sports and careers our relationships need maintenance, we need to work out emotionally and practice, and we need to show up every day and work on our weaknesses. Why would we give less attention to our relationships than we do everything else in our life?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Impossible is Nothing

The Nike ad is my favorite.

"Impossible is a big word thrown around by small men who would rather accept the world as it is than face the power they have to change it.”

Do you think it's impossible to be a better partner?
Do you think it's impossible to be more romantic?

With some effort and desire, you can become a better lover, partner and friend. For some it comes naturally, for others it takes a lot of work. Don't accept a lower standard from yourself. Use the resources of this blog and other materials and face the power you have to improve.

Nothing is impossible.
Impossible is nothing.

Stay in touch -

Mark