Relationship Killers: Abusive Behavior

Well before we get into this topic today - I hope you had a great Valentine's Day. I saw a lot of guys out and about yesterday picking up flowers, getting candy. But you can't let yesterday be a flash in the pan. Don't be a one hit wonder, where the only day you get romantic is February 14th.

Anyhow - On Tuesdays we talk about things that kill relationships, and today I want to focus on abusive behavior.

How many times have we heard the story of a wife who is abused, but refused to press charges on her husband? That's because there is an emotional element to the physical abuse. Abuse is something which is tolerated far too often. But in addition to the physical abuse, there is also emotional or financial abuse.

Emotional abuse can take the form of intimidation, manipulation, belittling, or outright hateful speech. Financial abuse comes in the form of either withholding finances that are necessary to live a reasonable life, or lavishly spending on yourself to the point of ignoring your partner - this would include other types of abuse, like alcohol, drugs or gambling.

Honestly, my advice to someone who is in an abusive relationship, is to get out. (And this is from the guy who is all about trying to work things out). If you are, in any way, abusive to your spouse (even once in a while), stop it now. Period.
Or, kiss your relationship goodbye.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers: Money

You've heard it said that money is the root of all evil. The actual quote (from the Bible by the way) is "the love of money is the root of all evil." (1 Timothy 6:10).

But how does this affect your relationship? Ironically, it can be a killer on both ends of the spending spectrum. If one of you is really frugal (pronounced cheap), to the point of not spending money on necessary items, or withholding funds as a manner of control - this will definitely kill a relationship. Conversely, if one person in the relationship has a spending problem, is constantly running up unmanageable debt, particularly if he or she hides or lies about big purchases, it can really impact the long term relationship, add stress and cause a lack of trust.

Money management in your relationship doesn't just happen. You need to communicate with each other, come to an understanding and work out the approach that makes the most sense.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Snapping

Ok, so you're tired and you've had a bad day. But snapping at your partner is only going to make things worse.

Everyone has those days when you've had it "up to here", but making a habit of biting your partner's head off will definitely hurt your relationship.

Everyone deserves respect, even during a bad day. And your partner is...or at least should be at the top of that list.

We always suggest that it is better to "respond, not react". Be in control. It's better for the long haul.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: That Log in Your Eye

People who think the Bible isn't relevant in 2011 could learn from the wise words of Jesus when he asked, "Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:3).

A common relationship killer is doing just that. Finding fault with every little thing that your partner does wrong, and giving little notice to your own shortcomings.

For example, you might be very aware of your partner’s pestering or nagging, but totally unaware of your own judgmental behavior. You might be very aware of your partner’s laziness, but completely unaware of your own anger issues.

The problem here is as long as your eyes are on your partner instead of on yourself, you will continue to believe that the onus for 'fixing things' is primarily on your partner. This scenario...and this relationship is doomed to fail.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Top Relationship Killer...

This is the one many couples just can't get past...cheating. Even the most staunch and conservative person, who would typically be against divorce, would tell you that if a spouse is unfaithful, it's game over.

People who have had it happen to them will tell you that it's a betrayal you will never forget. People who have done it will tell you the relationship was over before the new encounter ever began.

If these things are true, it makes reconciliation all the harder. At this point, all the trust in the relationship is gone, on top of what ever problems were already there.

Here's my advice, if your relationship is on the rocks, seek help. Try to work it out. Keep it simple - just between the two of you. Adding a third person to the mix is a recipe for disaster. If there is someone in the shadows, take them out of the mix. Focus on each other without distractions. Then if, despite your best efforts, things don't work out, at least you know you didn't blow it by falling into someone else's bed. Trust me, this is good advice.

Since tomorrow is "sex day", I'll share the worst two cheating stories I've ever heard.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers - 3 Quick Hits

Today, I'm going to give you 3 quick reminders of things that can, over time, kill a relationship.

Not Listening
I know how it is. You get intent on watching TV and you don't even realize she's talking. Or you are up to your neck in work and you heard her say something but have no idea what. Stop. Show your partner courtesy by listening closely to what she has to say.

Not Saying “I Love You”
If you think that guys don't say it, then you're an idiot. Tell her that you love her. If this is difficult for you, then your relationship needs help.

Not Doing Nice Things for Your Partner
What? You think it's all about you? Do something nice for her, on a regular basis.

Just some reminders to help keep you close.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers: A Critical Nature

You may have heard that it can be a good thing to offer a little constructive criticism. That may be fine in the workplace, in your golf game or if you're a judge on American Idol. Where it doesn't work so well is with your wife or girlfriend.

Let's be clear on this. Suggestions are good.
Negative remarks, public corrections (especially if you're being critical)...not so much. She's looking for a partner, not a parent.

If this is a constant issue, eventually she will feel self conscious and less comfortable with the relationship. If you have a suggestion, offer it lovingly and be sure to offer more compliments than criticism.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: History

“Stop acting as if life is a rehearsal. Live this day as if it were your last. The past is over and gone. The future is not guaranteed.” ~ Wayne Dyer

Here's something for certain: You cannot change the past. You can work to repair damage and you can change your patterns and behaviors to avoid repeating the past. But that event - it happened. Ok, let's more on and build from here.

But people who live in the past find it impossible to move forward. This can impact a relationship in a number of ways. If one of you compares this relationship to previous ones for example. If you have an ex that reacted a certain way to stress, that doesn't mean your current partner will. If an ex burned you with a certain behavior, you can't carry that into this relationship by expecting the same outcome. This relationship is different, so let it be free from past mistakes.

Another trouble area is bringing up past mistakes from this relationship. I know of a couple who got divorced after being married for about 2 years, because "he yelled at me and made me cry on our honeymoon, and I never got over it." Really?

The past is the past, let's let it rest.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Stress

Kids, bills, debt, work, repairs. You're tired. And just when you think you need a break, it seems to get worse. Life is definitely like that.

Coaches will tell you that when athletes get tired they lose their form and have to be reminded to use their legs, bend their knees or move their feet. As the stress of the game increases, we need reminders to stay focused.

It's the same in life. When the bills pile up and the collectors are calling, when the kids are crying or someone gets hurt, or a window breaks on the coldest day of the year, you (and your wife) feel like you're going to snap.

I don't want to add one more thing to your list, but let me be the coach reminding you of your form.

a) work together not apart
b) lean on each other for support
c) encourage each other

Together you can get through the difficulties of life. You married each other for a reason. Stand strong together. Work as a team, and keep each other's needs in mind.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Complacency

Click Here to Start. This will open a new window, then come back here to read. Enjoy!

Each Tuesday I bring you a suggestion on specific things to avoid, in order to keep your relationship out of dangerous water. Today I want to talk about complacency.

After couples have been together for some time, we tend to get very comfortable in each other's space and we lose our edge. We stop worrying about bad habits, don't mind letting out the big farts and burps, and we stopping doing thoughtful things.

Over time we become more like friends than lovers and our intimacy level drops. Sex becomes too familiar and routine, and things start to slide. As a result sex becomes less of a priority and before long we end up as roommates.

This, I believe, is one of most serious issues that couples face. It takes work, commitment, and attention to avoid. Spice things up. Break habits and routines. Get crazy in the sack once in a while and make loving fun.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers: Her Annoying Habits

Let's be honest. You don't like everything about your partner. And she isn't crazy about every little quirk you have either. But I want to encourage you to be careful how you react to her habits. If you allow little things to get under your skin and fester, they can be kill your relationship.

Over time, little things can be magnified and take on a greater energy than they should. That's when things can get ugly. Remember, everyone has faults. You're not perfect either. Keep things in perspective. Live and let live and allow her to be human.

Remember, her forgetting to turn off lights, or snorting when she laughs isn't a relationship killer. But your reaction over time may be.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killers

Clearly, a huge part of your life is comprised of your family and friends, and (with the good comes the bad) the same goes for her. So, if you don't get along with the other people who share your partner's life, it can really kill a relationship.

I agree, it's impossible to love everyone in her life, but you have to maintain good terms as best you can - especially with the people closest to her. This is critical to keeping your relationship on solid ground.

A long term feud with her brother, on-going disagreements with her parents and open stress whenever you see her best friend, are adding up stress in her life and could lead her to have to choose between you and them. And there's never a guarantee how that will go.

Even if it doesn't lead to a break, it's adding a growing amount of undue stress.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Drifting....

Just as a follow up on yesterday's comment about relationships drifting...

What's dangerous about this is, it's so subtle. If you take a look at your relationship now, how is it different than a year ago?

What I mean is - how different are you and your partner in your interaction with each other? Do you laugh as often? Do you have as much sex? What is your communication level like? What about your activities...are you stuck in a rut?

Often what happens is a slight modification of one behaviour, then (over time) that new pattern becomes normal. Then another...and another. And before long, you don't do anything together, hardly speak to each other and if you're not careful you are simply room mates sharing a space. Your activities become predictable and you are a different couple, a different entity than you used to be.

I hear you. "Oh that isn't us." Okay good. If so, fantastic. But rather than fluffing it off - take a look at it. Do you touch each other like you used to or only when sex is on the agenda? Are your conversations deteriorating or are they open and engaged? Are you snapping at each other or still patient?

One last thing, then I'm off. What about things you don't say out loud? Do you find yourself rolling your eyes when she's not looking or grumbling under your breath at things she says? Are you less patient with her mistakes? These things (and others) are underlying things that will begin to affect your patterns. They lead to drifting.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Boredom

Boredom in a relationship is more common than you might think - and it can be deadly.

We get up in the morning, go through our routine, go to work, come home tired and are content to sit on the couch and watch TV. Or we focus on chores, or the family, or this or that. Day in, day out. Same routine. We get addicted to a pattern or lifestyle that slowly stagnates the relationship. A lot of times people find their partners to be exciting and outgoing early in the relationship, only to find them boring and lifeless later on.

Men, let's make sure we aren't oblivious to how she is feeling. Pay attention to her. Spice things up once in a while. Go out, do things together. It doesn't have to be fancy or expensive. Spend time together.
Do the kind of things you used to do before life got so mundane.

Like so many relationship issues, this takes effort. Think about ways to get out of your rut. Plan ahead. And know this - I will come through this screen and kick your butt if you have the "what do you wanna do?" "I dunno, what do you wanna do?" conversation.

Work at it men - she's worth it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Relationship Killer: Silence

Over the next couple of days, I'll hit on some things that can ruin a relationship. Today - I want to chat about silence.

Silence is golden...until it becomes a barrier between you and your partner, particularly when you are angry.

When you are angry, if you don't manage your feelings appropriately, it can chip away at the foundation of the relationship. Men, don't give her the silent treatment as a "punishment" because she did something you didn't like.

While it is perfectly fine (and recommended) to give yourself some space when you're angry (to avoid saying something really stupid and hurtful) - it is also expected that when you return from your self prescribed time out, that you communicate how you feel. Calmly. Clearly. Quietly.

If it's "chilly" when you walk in the room - be the one to break the silence. Say "I'd really like to talk about this." If you were wrong, admit it and apologize. If she was wrong, quietly explain why it bothered you.

If you can do this and remain calm - she will see you in a more positive light.
If it escalates again, tell her that you don't want to fight and that you're willing to talk when she is. Then, give it some space. No yelling. Just find something else to do.

Break the silence again a little later.

Stay in touch -

Mark