The problem with Utimatums

"Do this or else"!

"It's my way or the highway"!

"If you don't right now, I'm going to "

Simply put - ultimatums suck. I was in a relationship where the ultimatum was (believe it or not) the primary form of negotiation. Seriously. Note the key word from that sentence "was". That relationship is history.

So what's the big deal? What's wrong with an ultimatum?

First, an ultimatum is basically nothing more than manipulation. I'll do more on manipulation in the future, but this is NOT the path to a healthy relationship. In fact, manipulation is abusive.

Ultimatums are aggressive. Now I understand that sometimes you reach a point in a relationship where you need to have a "come to Jesus" discussion and get everything out on the table. But when ultimatums are a part of your regular routine, it isn't conducive to a loving relationship.

Ultimatums are obnoxious and add pressure to an already difficult situation. This escalates the tension rather than working towards a resolution.

Finally, even if you get what you want through this manipulation technique, the resentment factor of your partner has to be considered. This opens the door for retaliation and then the ultimatums become commonplace in your relationship.

I didn't mean to go all Dr. Phil on you - but ultimatums are not healthy.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Drifting....

Just as a follow up on yesterday's comment about relationships drifting...

What's dangerous about this is, it's so subtle. If you take a look at your relationship now, how is it different than a year ago?

What I mean is - how different are you and your partner in your interaction with each other? Do you laugh as often? Do you have as much sex? What is your communication level like? What about your activities...are you stuck in a rut?

Often what happens is a slight modification of one behaviour, then (over time) that new pattern becomes normal. Then another...and another. And before long, you don't do anything together, hardly speak to each other and if you're not careful you are simply room mates sharing a space. Your activities become predictable and you are a different couple, a different entity than you used to be.

I hear you. "Oh that isn't us." Okay good. If so, fantastic. But rather than fluffing it off - take a look at it. Do you touch each other like you used to or only when sex is on the agenda? Are your conversations deteriorating or are they open and engaged? Are you snapping at each other or still patient?

One last thing, then I'm off. What about things you don't say out loud? Do you find yourself rolling your eyes when she's not looking or grumbling under your breath at things she says? Are you less patient with her mistakes? These things (and others) are underlying things that will begin to affect your patterns. They lead to drifting.

Stay in touch -

Mark

How to Act When You're Unsure of Your Feelings

I'll admit that this isn't my original idea. I first read this idea in a book by CS Lewis. However, I have slightly modified the thought to apply it to your relationship with your spouse / partner.

There are some who are going through a tough time in their relationship, and for what ever reason, aren't sure of their "feelings" toward their partner. Maybe they've been together for a few years and that fresh "new car scent" has worn off. Or maybe they're just going through some weird and funky point in their life. And since they are unsure of their feelings, they don't know how to act towards their partner. As a result, stress is building in the relationship (or it soon will be).

First, it is important to understand that love is not a feeling. Feelings are driven by your emotions which frankly, can change like the wind. Emotions can derail logic and take us off the right path.

Love is a choice, an action, a committment. Love is verb, an action word. In the Bible, Jesus tells us to love our neighbor as ourself. We love ourselves, even though we don't like everything about ourselves. (I'm fat, I don't like my hairline, I wish I was taller, etc).

So how do you act? You demonstrate love. Not sure how you feel? Show love.
Having a bad day? Act lovingly. The more love you show, the more love will grow. (That sounds corny unless you read it with a Motown beat). In other words, your feelings will follow your actions.

Grow love.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Fix Cracks Now!

Last August, when I bought my house, the realtor pointed out a crack in the foundation, where the down spout dumps water. He suggested that I reroute the water away from it.

I didn't.

This morning I noticed that the crack is gone. It's been replaced with a hole.
Over just a few short months, the water had eaten at the foundation and has opened up a golf ball sized hole. This sucks. Now, instead of just re-routing the water, I have to repair the foundation.

So, I'm asking each of you directly - do you have any cracks in your relationship...that if left over time (maybe even just a few short months), would develop into a serious problem?

Just as with every other important thing in life, you need to face this head on, search your relationship honestly, and if you find cracks - deal with it.

I can fill in the hole with some cement and reroute the drain pipe. Your relationship won't be so easy to fix if you let it go.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The Saga of Steve and Debbie

This could be very interesting.

I have a couple of good friends (Steve and Debbie) who are going through a "thing." I've asked if they would mind me sharing their situation and progress with my readers, because they have an interesting story, an interesting problem - and we can probably learn something from how they're handling it.

I'll mix updates about their situation in throughout various posts, just so we can see how things are progressing.

First some background. Steve and Debbie have been married less than 5 years and have a nice home, and no kids. Several months ago, Steve got transferred for work, and loves his new city and his new job. Steve is happy, happy, happy. The problem is, Debbie isn't.

She isn't necessarily unhappy with Steve, or with her marriage, but she doesn't care for where they live and she hasn't found a job since they've arrived. Her sense of purpose is being challenged, and she's afraid she'll lose ground in the job market if she's out of work too long.

The situation is starting to cause some tension in their relationship. Debbie is openly down and Steve is starting to get frustrated with her. Tomorrow I'll tell you how they're handling this - but what are your thoughts?

Stay in touch -

Mark

You're Going to Lose That Girl

Beatles Week continues. You're Going to Lose That Girl, from the Album "Help!"

Words and music by Lennon and McCartney -
"If you don't treat her right my friend
You're gonna find her gone.
'Cause I will treat her right and then
You'll be the lonely one."

One of the top reasons that women leave a relationship is because they feel neglected, under appreciated and ignored. John and Paul got another one right when they said if you don't treat her right, you're gonna find her gone.

Maybe you come from a very conservative background, and you think it could never happen to you. WRONG! Sorry. Maybe you don't think you've done enough wrong to cause her to stray. Don't be naive. There's no mathematical formula for this. Maybe you don't find her as attractive as you once did, so you think no one else would find her attractive either. Don't be an idiot.

Treat her right. Appreciate everything she does for you, and do things for her in return. It goes a long way.

The bridge of the song says "I'll make it a point to take her away from you." That's another good thing to remember. There are guys everywhere who are willing to give her what she needs. If you aren't the guy she needs you to be, you just may end up "the lonely one."

Stay in touch -

Mark

Proper Care

If we were talking about cars, boats, motor cycles, lawn mowers - or any other mechanical device – we would understand about proper maintenance and how important it is to take care of “her”.

If we were talking about sports, we would understand that it is necessary to work out, to be in shape, to practice and that is necessary to execute a game plan or to build a team that brings about championships.

If we were talking about our careers, it would be clear that we are expected to “show up” every day. We would likely understand our weaknesses and work hard (possibly even take courses) to overcome them.

Like equipment, sports and careers our relationships need maintenance, we need to work out emotionally and practice, and we need to show up every day and work on our weaknesses. Why would we give less attention to our relationships than we do everything else in our life?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Outside Pressures

We all face difficult situations that can add pressure to our relationships. Problems at work, financial difficulty, family problems, illness all can wear us down and make us less willing to participate actively in being a good partner.

But it is important to differentiate between the source of your problems and a key resource for getting through them. What I'm saying is simply - don't take your problems out on your partner. Don't bring your problems from work home and dump all over the family. It's just not cool.

Instead, see your partner and your family as your source of comfort and a resource that provides stability and peace. That's what home is all about.

One final thought - try to remain consistent in your relationship no matter what you're going through. For me, I help a lot around the house, but when I'm stressed I tend to let things go. Frankly I'm allowing my problems to control my behavior - in effect bringing them right into my house. I actually have more control over things if I remain consistent.

Stay in touch -

Mark