Have you seen the shoe game they play at wedding receptions? The bride and groom sit back to back, each holding one of each of their shoes. Then the emcee asks a question (like who is most likely to say "I love you" first?) and they have to hold up the shoe of the appropriate person.
Continuing the theme from this past weekend's wedding, let me tell you about this version of the shoe game.
Who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? Shoes go up.
Who is the best kisser? Shoes go up.
Who wears the pants in the family? Slight hesitation.
Then, something interesting happened. Remember, they can't see what the other person is doing. He raises her shoe. She raises his.
In it's worst case scenario, this could play out that nothing gets done because each is looking to the other to take charge. But that's not how I see it with these two.
My take is that these two will respect that the other has significant input and leadership responsibilities regarding things of the house and home. They see themselves as being able to be submissive when necessary and in charge when needed.
I like this.
What if he raised his shoe and she raised hers? Sure, it would have made for a few laughs at the reception, but I'd be writing a different blog today.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Monday, October 11, 2010
Love is a Choice
My wife and I attended a wedding this weekend, and several noteworthy things were said and done. Weddings are interesting because they can be used as good reminders of how we felt when we said "I do." It can conjure up thoughts of the ideal marriage, remind us of our vows and promises and encourage us to get focused on some very important topics.
The blog this entire week will be devoted to things I heard, observed and learned at this past weekend's wedding.
The pastor at this small Anglican church commented on those very familiar words from First Corinthians 13 (Love is kind, doesn't envy, etc). But the next passage was from Colossians 3, verse 14: "but above all these things, put on love." The pastor reminded us that love is a choice. "Every morning when you wake up, make the choice to love your partner. And remind yourself of that choice every night before you go to bed."
Wise words. When we first meet, emotions carry us into love. But emotions don't last, and love is not an emotion. Love is a choice. Love is a verb - an action.
Today and every day, choose to "put on love". Wear it. And remember, when you're wearing something, others can see it. I'm wearing a Phillies hat as I write this. I wear it so people know I'm a fan. I put on my love for my wife. People see that too. They know by my actions that I'm a fan of hers. I love, by choice.
Stay in touch -
Mark
The blog this entire week will be devoted to things I heard, observed and learned at this past weekend's wedding.
The pastor at this small Anglican church commented on those very familiar words from First Corinthians 13 (Love is kind, doesn't envy, etc). But the next passage was from Colossians 3, verse 14: "but above all these things, put on love." The pastor reminded us that love is a choice. "Every morning when you wake up, make the choice to love your partner. And remind yourself of that choice every night before you go to bed."
Wise words. When we first meet, emotions carry us into love. But emotions don't last, and love is not an emotion. Love is a choice. Love is a verb - an action.
Today and every day, choose to "put on love". Wear it. And remember, when you're wearing something, others can see it. I'm wearing a Phillies hat as I write this. I wear it so people know I'm a fan. I put on my love for my wife. People see that too. They know by my actions that I'm a fan of hers. I love, by choice.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Friday, October 8, 2010
We Communicate Differently
Yeah, that's not what she meant...either time:
A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air; the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how he needs to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air; the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how he needs to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Say it, Mean it
Every once in a while I scan the relationship forums to find out what people think. Sometimes it's like reading an episode of Jerry Springer. But sometimes there is a a topic worth noting. Here's one I found yesterday, that I thought was interesting.
A woman writes that her boyfriend never tells her that he loves her. She says "He used to tell me he loved me all the time, but now he doesn't say it unless I say it first. I have cried to him about it twice and he says that he does love me but that he "doesn't think about it" because he has been really stressed for the past month."
One of the people that replied to her post (a guy) said that she was adding stress to him by complaining that he never says it. Really? Give me a break.
What are the problems here?
First, the fact that he "doesn't think about it" is a problem. How can you be in a relationship and not think about how you feel about the other person. It would be like waking up in the morning and saying "I'm so completely indifferent to you."
Second, he's stressed from school. If he can't remember to tell her that he loves her while he's in school, what will it be like when the pressures of real life crash in on his little world?
Finally, if he isn't focused enough on her to say I love you - he certainly isn't going to rock her world. And forget about him going out of his way to do things for her, surprise her and treat her right.
Baby boy needs to grow up, suck it up and remember - if someone means something to you, tell them. Say it, and mean it.
Stay in touch -
Mark
A woman writes that her boyfriend never tells her that he loves her. She says "He used to tell me he loved me all the time, but now he doesn't say it unless I say it first. I have cried to him about it twice and he says that he does love me but that he "doesn't think about it" because he has been really stressed for the past month."
One of the people that replied to her post (a guy) said that she was adding stress to him by complaining that he never says it. Really? Give me a break.
What are the problems here?
First, the fact that he "doesn't think about it" is a problem. How can you be in a relationship and not think about how you feel about the other person. It would be like waking up in the morning and saying "I'm so completely indifferent to you."
Second, he's stressed from school. If he can't remember to tell her that he loves her while he's in school, what will it be like when the pressures of real life crash in on his little world?
Finally, if he isn't focused enough on her to say I love you - he certainly isn't going to rock her world. And forget about him going out of his way to do things for her, surprise her and treat her right.
Baby boy needs to grow up, suck it up and remember - if someone means something to you, tell them. Say it, and mean it.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Dealing with Her Self-Consciousness
Yesterday we heard from Alyssa Milano that all women are self-conscious at one point or another. And we reviewed some of the signs that you can pick up on that will identify when those moments have arrived. Today I'll give you some tips on how to respond.
First, don't get irritated with her. Think about it. Do you think that she REALLY wants to be stressing over what to wear or how she looks? She's not doing this on purpose, so cut her some slack.
Next, if you're asked one of the dreaded questions - don't panic. Here's what to do. Be honest. (No, not "I don't give a crap, just pick something" honest). Let's review:
Potential question: "Does this make me look fat?",
Your response needs to be honest AND not offensive. IF what she's wearing DOES INDEED make her look somehow less attractive, you need to let her know. You can't say "wow your butt is huge in those jeans". But you can say, "it isn't as good of a look as the other thing you were wearing", or "it isn't really very flattering". There may be a brief period of discomfort, but if you're not a jerk about saying it, she'll appreciate the honesty.
Potential question: "Which shoes should I wear?"
Good answer: "they both look great to me, but I really like these".
Potential question: "Does this look alright?"
If it looks alright, tell her how great she looks. If you've told her previously that something doesn't look good on her, you'll have credibility now. Remember if ever answer is an uninterested "you look fine", you'll have no street cred at this point.
Important tip: Try not to tie being late to telling her she looks good. She'll think you're only saying she looks good to get her out the door. Again, credibility.
That should help.
Stay in touch -
Mark
First, don't get irritated with her. Think about it. Do you think that she REALLY wants to be stressing over what to wear or how she looks? She's not doing this on purpose, so cut her some slack.
Next, if you're asked one of the dreaded questions - don't panic. Here's what to do. Be honest. (No, not "I don't give a crap, just pick something" honest). Let's review:
Potential question: "Does this make me look fat?",
Your response needs to be honest AND not offensive. IF what she's wearing DOES INDEED make her look somehow less attractive, you need to let her know. You can't say "wow your butt is huge in those jeans". But you can say, "it isn't as good of a look as the other thing you were wearing", or "it isn't really very flattering". There may be a brief period of discomfort, but if you're not a jerk about saying it, she'll appreciate the honesty.
Potential question: "Which shoes should I wear?"
Good answer: "they both look great to me, but I really like these".
Potential question: "Does this look alright?"
If it looks alright, tell her how great she looks. If you've told her previously that something doesn't look good on her, you'll have credibility now. Remember if ever answer is an uninterested "you look fine", you'll have no street cred at this point.
Important tip: Try not to tie being late to telling her she looks good. She'll think you're only saying she looks good to get her out the door. Again, credibility.
That should help.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
She's self conscious...sometimes.
Men, here's a quote that you'll want to remember:
"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." -- Alyssa Milano
It's one thing to understand that your wife/partner/girlfriend is self conscious. But it's an entirely different thing to understand what that means.
Being self conscious means that she is very self aware. In a best case scenario this would mean that she is balanced in a healthy way and is acutely aware of both her good and bad characteristics. In a less than best case scenario - the bad will out weigh the good (in her mind) and shyness or various insecurities and confidence issues will emerge.
This is the underlying emotion behind the question - 'Does this make me look fat'?
But here's where it gets tricky. Most women are only self conscious some of the time. You'll notice in Alyssa Milano's quote the terms "bad days" and "really bad days". You need to be perceptive enough to pick up on those self conscious moments, and know how to react.
How to pick up on it:
Besides the "does this make me look fat" question - which is a dead give away, you can tell that she's feeling self conscious during the multiple change of clothes episode - where she's tried on 15 different tops. Or when she says "I don't have anything to wear", extra primping in the bathroom, repetitive questions about her looks, or if you find her fishing for compliments.
The key here is that you are paying attention to her and can pick up on the situation. Key number two is reacting properly.
Let's let that sink in for now, and I'll give you some thoughts on how to react tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." -- Alyssa Milano
It's one thing to understand that your wife/partner/girlfriend is self conscious. But it's an entirely different thing to understand what that means.
Being self conscious means that she is very self aware. In a best case scenario this would mean that she is balanced in a healthy way and is acutely aware of both her good and bad characteristics. In a less than best case scenario - the bad will out weigh the good (in her mind) and shyness or various insecurities and confidence issues will emerge.
This is the underlying emotion behind the question - 'Does this make me look fat'?
But here's where it gets tricky. Most women are only self conscious some of the time. You'll notice in Alyssa Milano's quote the terms "bad days" and "really bad days". You need to be perceptive enough to pick up on those self conscious moments, and know how to react.
How to pick up on it:
Besides the "does this make me look fat" question - which is a dead give away, you can tell that she's feeling self conscious during the multiple change of clothes episode - where she's tried on 15 different tops. Or when she says "I don't have anything to wear", extra primping in the bathroom, repetitive questions about her looks, or if you find her fishing for compliments.
The key here is that you are paying attention to her and can pick up on the situation. Key number two is reacting properly.
Let's let that sink in for now, and I'll give you some thoughts on how to react tomorrow.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Monday, October 4, 2010
Wearing a Visor
Those of you who watch football or hockey know that some players wear a visor on their helmet, to protect their eyes. In football, some wear tinted or darkened visors so that their opponents can't see where they're looking.
Well, I've been wearing a visor too.
I don't play football any more and I never played hockey, but I've been wearing the equipment for the past several weeks.
I've been introverted, and hiding emotionally behind a mask. I haven't been out-going, haven't been interested in other people or their needs. Emotionally, internally, it's all been about me. I've been hiding.
It may have started several weeks ago when my Dad died, I'm not sure. I don't even want to spend a lot of time thinking about when it started, or even why. I'm focused on that it happened, and changing it.
What's the big deal? Well, for starters, I haven't been myself. I'm normally out-going and friendly and considerate of other people's needs. Also, this has started to go beyond me being introverted, and was turning into me becoming really selfish.
So my question to you is this: What mask are you wearing today? Do you hide behind a Chuck Norris tough guy mask? Do you camouflage yourself behind your status, money, job or reputation? Or are you open, honestly confident in who you are - so that you can be real in your relationships and sincerely care about the needs of those around you?
I hope you're free enough to be you. If not, take steps today towards taking off the mask or removing the visor. Let people in. Your life will be richer for it.
Stay in touch -
Mark
Well, I've been wearing a visor too.
I don't play football any more and I never played hockey, but I've been wearing the equipment for the past several weeks.
I've been introverted, and hiding emotionally behind a mask. I haven't been out-going, haven't been interested in other people or their needs. Emotionally, internally, it's all been about me. I've been hiding.
It may have started several weeks ago when my Dad died, I'm not sure. I don't even want to spend a lot of time thinking about when it started, or even why. I'm focused on that it happened, and changing it.
What's the big deal? Well, for starters, I haven't been myself. I'm normally out-going and friendly and considerate of other people's needs. Also, this has started to go beyond me being introverted, and was turning into me becoming really selfish.
So my question to you is this: What mask are you wearing today? Do you hide behind a Chuck Norris tough guy mask? Do you camouflage yourself behind your status, money, job or reputation? Or are you open, honestly confident in who you are - so that you can be real in your relationships and sincerely care about the needs of those around you?
I hope you're free enough to be you. If not, take steps today towards taking off the mask or removing the visor. Let people in. Your life will be richer for it.
Stay in touch -
Mark
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