Friday Fun

A woman decides to join a convent, and takes a vow of silence.

No...that's not the joke, hold on.

After ten years of complete silence, she's brought in to the office for review and is given the chance to speak, but just two words. She says "cold food."

They say "ok, you're right, the food could be warmer, we'll work on that."

After another ten years, it's the same process. Two more words: "Hard bed."
"Yes" they say "the beds could be softer."

Ten more years go by. Same thing. This time she says "I quit."
They reply "Good, you've done nothing but complain since you got here!"

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Friday Fun...We Have Viagra But....

Question to the Journal of Medicine: We have Viagra to help with erectile dysfunction, but is there anything that can help with premature ejaculation?

Reply: There's no cure yet, but it's coming quickly.

Enjoy the weekend (but some of you shouldn't start too soon apparently).

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Kid's View on Relationships

Friday Fun - enjoy:


What is Marriage?
"When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old

What do People Do on a Date?
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

"Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old

Which is Better, to be Married or Single?
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

Enjoy the weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Friday Fun: Funny Pictures

Happy Friday!

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Mark

Friday Fun Christmas Style

Merry Christmas everybody!

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Friday Fun - A cute WHAT?

An elderly couple met for a romp in the broom closet at the nursing home. They undressed and were about to "get busy". The woman decided to warn the man of her heart condition.

"I should tell you, I have acute angina" she said.
The man replied, "that's good because you have the ugliest breasts I ever seen!"

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Women's Technical Support

A woman writes to the Tech Support department:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and I noticed a distinct slowdown in overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry application, which ran flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled other critical programs such as Romance 3.5 and Personal Attention 6. It then installed undesirable programs like Money 5.0 and Football 10.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Note: I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix the problem, to no avail.

Please help!



Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Bashing BOTH Sexes...Friday Fun

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs.

Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? A: 45 minutes.

Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? A: Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

Q: What do women think men and floor tiles have in common? A: If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Q: What is a man's view of safe sex? A: A padded headboard.

Q: How do men sort their laundry? A: "Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

Q: Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A: The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q:. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony? A: She is the one who can eat the last donut.

Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women? A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.

Have a great weekend!

Stay in touch -

Mark

Bad Idea for a Birthday Gift?

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'".

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The Difference Between Men and Women

(Click on Image to enlarge).

Look for our NEW FORMAT, starting Monday.
Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Kids Advice on Dating and Marriage

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
(written by children)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan , age 10

No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen , age 10

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-- Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is........
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

Have a good weekend.
Stay in touch -

Mark

Afternoon Quickie

There was a couple that had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for a little while.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.
"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.
"An ambulance just drove by."

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.
"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

The mop and the penis

A man comes in from running errands and finds his wife hunched over a short mop with only an 18" handle, trying to clean the kitchen floor.

"What are you doing"? he asked. "You look ridiculous."

"You could stand there and criticize me, or you could go to the store and by me a mop with a proper handle" she snapped. "I could do that" he said "or I could just do this - " as he took the mop from her and pulled out the telescoping handle to make it full length.

"Oh that's great" she said. "too bad your penis doesn't do that."

"Maybe it does" was his reply. "Maybe you don't know how to use that either!"

Have a great weekend,

Stay in touch -

Mark

After the Office Party

Henry woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's a jerk," Henry said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said Henry.
"I did." Louise said. "You're back at work on Monday."

Enjoy the weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Pants and Panties

A couple had just returned home from their honeymoon when the new husband tossed his pants to his bride and says "honey, try these on." She takes one look at his pants and her small frame and says "sweetie, there is no way I could wear your pants."

"Good" he replied, "Always remember that. I wear the pants in this family."

The wife then tossed him her panties and asked him to try them on.
"Ha!" he laughed. "There's no way I can get into your panties."
"Right" she replied, "and it will stay that way if you don't lose your attitude!"

Happy Friday everybody.

Stay in touch -

Mark

We Communicate Differently

Yeah, that's not what she meant...either time:

A husband in his backyard is trying to fly a kite. He throws the kite up in the air; the wind catches it for a few seconds, then it comes crashing back down to earth. He tries this a few more times with no success. All the while, his wife is watching from the kitchen window, muttering to herself how he needs to be told how to do everything.

She opens the window and yells to her husband, "You need more tail." The man turns with a confused look on his face and says, "Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite!"