Talking About Sex With Your Partner

Wednesday is sex day at the blog - and today we're talking about how to talk to your partner about sex, and sexual problems.

First, it's a good idea that you don't talk about these problems just before or after sex. (And certainly not DURING sex). In fact, I wouldn't talk about sexual problems in your bedroom or at bedtime. Have a chat in the living room or at the kitchen table. This avoids the "was it good for you?" awkwardness.

One exception would be if, while you're having sex, she does something that you really like, you should definitely respond and let her know.

Don't cast blame. If something isn't working for you, approach it from the perspective that both of you need to address something in the sack.

Be careful in your "research". If you buy sex advice books or toys to spice things up, be sure to talk to your partner first. If she isn't into something, you could make things worse.

Openly communicate what your expectations are, what you like and what you're not as fond of. If something troubles you or if you're afraid of something, open up and tell her.

Here's my philosophy, if you're close enough to be intimate, you should also be close enough to talk about what you like and what you don't like. If you can't talk about sex, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Your Wife is Sexy

Easy big guy. I'm not hitting on your wife.

I just wanted to remind you that she's hot. You think so. Or at least you used to.
Maybe you still do. But here's the interesting question: Does she know you think so?

Some time soon, I want you to tell your wife that she's hot. Be specific about what turns you on. Let her know. Touch her in the places that excite you.

And while some conversations are not appropriate after sex (i.e. things about her sister or friends) this IS. "Wow that was hot, you're really sexy." (or whatever you want to say).

Let her know she still gets to you.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Survey: Love "Most Important" When it Comes to Sex

In a recent survey of nearly 4000 women, most said love was an important factor in their sexual satisfaction. More than a quarter of women said love is everything when it comes to having great sex while 41 per cent said it's not everything, "but it's most important."

Yet one in five said they had enjoyed a purely sexual, emotion-free relationship in the past.

38% percent of women surveyed said that they initiate sex "regularly".
66% of women say they have an orgasm "every time" they have sex.

Surveys and statistics can be used to "prove" almost anything, but what I take from this is that love is the key. I've learned that if a woman says that something is "most important", it generally is. Pay attention.

Stay in touch -

Mark

A Woman's Perspective on Good Sex

Ok, this is like sneaking into the other team's locker room and reading their play book. This is good information.

In a recent sex survey of only women - here's what they said:

Good Sex is based on frequency:
56% of women, said couples with a healthy sex life should be having sex a few times a week. 20% said once a week.

Good Sex is based on duration:
39% said 15-29 minutes would suffice and 19% suggested 30-44 minutes.

Good Sex is based on....Good Sex (Regardless of how often or how long)
"The real motor of female sexuality is closeness and connection," one person offered. "Even though I'm not orgasmic during intercourse, I'm still satisfied if there's a closeness and connection."

Another responded "I like a man who takes his time with foreplay and puts you in the right mood."

30% of women preferred their lovemaking to be "slow and sensual," compared to 4% that liked it rough.

"I like when he initiates and it's out of nowhere, not rushed. When he makes me feel pretty and special at that moment."

You've seen their play book. Now, let's go win the game.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Sex Survey: Oral and Your "Favorite" Part of Sex

Wednesday is sex day on the blog and lately I've been focusing on sex surveys. I think it's good to know what other people think and feel about sex.

Two VERY interesting results today.

First, it's important to know that nearly 60% of participants in this particular survey were women.

How important is oral sex to your sex life?

42% A nice menu option
34% Essential: It's a dealbreaker
16% I have an oral fixation
5% OK occasionally
2% Not important
1% This mouth will never touch your genitals

92% rated it "favorable" - anything from "nice option" to "I have a fixation".
The survey doesn't differentiate between giving and receiving, so I'm reading these results as going both ways.

Next,

What is the best part of sex?

5. Afterglow
4. The "knowing it's going to happen" before the clothes come off
3. The orgasm
2. Intercourse
1. Foreplay

We can learn from what others have said. Put these 2 results together and learn what's important: Oral and foreplay. You can figure it out from there.
Make her happy guys.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Survey says???

Wednesday is "sex" day here on the blog.

I did some research and came across an interesting sex survey for guys.
There were some interesting results:

44% of men said that "sometimes" they wish they had a larger penis.
15% said they wish it was bigger "all the time".
Only 1% said they wished it was smaller.

47% have had sex within the past week, but 18% haven't had sex in over a year.
(Maybe if they had a larger penis....sorry).

29% of men asked, said the neck is the most sensuous part of a woman's body.

And as far as "manscaping" goes - 33% - one third, said it's trimmed nicely, 25% said it's "natural" and 19% are totally shaved.

Ok, well, there ya go. I'll do more surveys in the weeks to come. They're kind of fun.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Bad Idea for a Birthday Gift?

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'".

Have a great weekend.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Is She Faking It?

Bad news guys: A recent study by the Kinsey Institute reveals that 85% of men think their partner had an orgasm the last time they had sex, but only 64% of women say they actually did.

Other studies say that 80% of women fake it at least some of the time.
Ever wonder why?

There are a few reasons - and they're not all terribly bad.

1. She's trying, but just can't get there. For a number of reasons, some may not even be related to you.
2. She's just tired. Sorry, maybe tonight she's willing to let you have some fun, but is too tired to reach the top.
3. She's having sex so you don't feel rejected or angry and wasn't really interested in sex to begin with.
4. Maybe you're not doing something right. In this case, y'all need to chat.
5. She feels like she is taking too long, and is wearing you out - so she "finishes" so you can.
6. Your sex sucks. Ok, that one...that was terribly bad.

I could go on and on with this list. The bottom line is this - it isn't always bad that she fakes it. Don't get put out. But if she's not being taken care of on a regular basis, you do need to fix what's wrong.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Are You Doing "It" Right?

Guys don't really enjoy being told how to do something.
And we don't like being told we're not doing something right.
But when it comes to sex - now there's a hot button.
But really, sex is about BOTH of you, and if you're not doing something right, you really need to know.

First, let me be clear. I don't want this to turn into an annual performance review. "John, we need to work on some long term goals regarding your performance." Most of what you need to know is being communicated during sex. If you're unclear, ask.

Does she respond well when you do a certain thing a certain way?
Does she move away from something else when you do it?
Are you even paying attention???
Listen to her. Is she clearly enjoying this or that, or just going through the motions?

Try this: Just as things are getting going, ask her what she wants. "Tonight is all about you - what can I do for you?" As long as she doesn't say "leave me alone so I can get some sleep", you're good to go. Pay attention to what she likes and make sure it becomes a regular part of your routine.

If you don't know how to do something - it's ok to ask. It may not be the easiest thing to do, but it'll be worth it.

Like every other aspect of your relationship, communication is important regarding sex too.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Good Sex

Our sex week continues...

We've talked about frequency and duration of sex - now let's talk about quality.
Sex is like tennis. It's a lot more fun when both people playing are at the same skill level.

In simple terms, sex is good when both people are satisfied. It's not just about you guys, it's about pleasing her and letter her please you. Here are 5 ways to improve your sex life:

1. Communicate. Talk to each other about what makes you hot, and what you don't like. Talk about how long it lasts, what you do, where you do it and how you do it. Talk about it between times when you're having sex and during sex. Cue the music: Let's Talk About Sex. Hint: Don't talk about sex right after sex. This isn't a performance review.

2. Give yourself time. When you're having sex, don't rush. You don't have to jump right to it. Explore, massage, kiss. Foreplay is like Nike - Just Do It.

3. Add some variety. Don't always do the same things, in the same order. Change it up a little. Have one session where it's everything but intercourse. Try some new positions, toys, etc.

4. Exercise. Your overall physical stamina will impact your stamina in the bedroom.

5. Cut loose. Use fantasies or "talking dirty" so that sometimes it's just raunchy sex. But then understand guys, sometimes you are making love, sometimes you are having sex and THERE IS A DIFFERENCE.

I hope this helps.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Why Aren't You Having Sex?

This week's blog has been all about sex. It reminds me of a Rodney Dangerfield line: "Sex, sex, sex - everywhere you turn it's sex, sex, sex. I've had it. Not lately though."

So - why not?

The statistics we shared say that on average people are doing it approximately 2 to 4 times a week for ideally around 10 to 13 minutes (of actual intercourse time). If you are in a relationship and you aren't in this range, what's up? Here are a few common reasons people aren't wearing out the sheets:

1. You're too busy / tired. I get it. Life sometimes gets hectic. Between the kids, the job, soccer, hockey, dance, swimming, gymnastics, going to the gym, cleaning, you name it - you simply don't have the energy for fun in the sack. By the end of the day you're beat. So, shoot for earlier in the day, when you still have some energy. Try to work your schedule around sex for a little while. Plan some time for you, it's really important.

2. You don't like your body. Many woman (and men too if we would admit it) will withdrawal sexually if they feel uncomfortable naked. What they don't understand is, as guys - it doesn't bother us. We need to work hard to make sure they understand that they don't have to look like a super model to be hot.

3. Your bed isn't "sexy". Beds used to be for sex and sleeping. Now we bring our laptops to bed, our PDA's and it's just an extension of the office or the rest of the house. Make the bed a demilitarized zone, keep it for just the two of you.

4. Problems in the relationship. I know a guy who was married almost 20 years. His last year of marriage, he and his wife has sex ONCE in that entire year. If you're constantly being turned down in bed, you may need to find out what the underlying problem is. It could be she's getting it somewhere else or is now really turned off by the idea of getting with you. Find out why.

There are lots of other reasons why people don't have sex as often as they used to. Let's focus on making the most of our opportunities, and doing it well.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Normal Sex Duration

Well, it's apparently sex week on the blog.

These results may surprise you. They did me.

Penn State Erie researchers Eric Corty and Jenay Guardiani conducted a survey of 50 full members of the Society for Sex Therapy and Research, which include psychologists, physicians, social workers, marriage/family therapists and nurses who have collectively seen thousands of patients over several decades.

The group rated a range of time amounts for sexual intercourse,that they considered adequate, desirable, too short and too long. These times pertain to actual intercourse, not including foreplay or anything else.

The average therapists' responses defined the ranges of intercourse activity times: "adequate," from 3-7 minutes; "desirable," from 7-13 minutes; "too short" from 1-2 minutes; and "too long" from 10-30 minutes. Past research has found that a large percentage of men and women, who responded, wanted sex to last 30 minutes or longer.

But here's the thing. The amount of time spent becomes less important if both you and your partner are completely satisfied by the time it's over. Several sex therapists recommend that you don't even pay attention to how long you spend in the bedroom. It's the Nike approach to sex - just do it. I have to laugh at the term "adequate". I can just picture it now. Sex is over, your wife turns to you and says "well, that was adequate." Yay.

But I'm here to encourage men to improve their relationships, so let me say this.
Time matters in this regard: If you didn't last long enough to satisfy your woman, then you didn't last long enough. If, when you make the bed again, she's happy - then odds are, it lasted long enough.

One last thought - talk about it together. She will have very specific thoughts on the subject. Be ready for some frank and honest talk if you bring it up.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Are You Keeping "Up" with the Joneses Sexually?

Here are some interesting statistics about sex frequency. You can use this to see how you measure up.

ha, see what I did there? measure...awww forget it.

According to The Chopra Center (Deepak Chopra's wellness site) here's how frequently people you know are getting it on - on average:

When it comes to sex, the only rule is that both partners are willing and enthusiastic participants. It is not uncommon for a man’s sex drive to be stronger than a woman’s, due to both social conditioning and hormones.

In studies on sexual frequency...here are some averages.

Sixteen to twenty years olds have sex on average 3.7 times per week.
Between twenty-one and twenty-five years of age, three times a week is average.
Between twenty-six and thirty, 2.6 times per week is the norm.
Between thirty-one and thirty-five, the frequency drops to 2.3
By forty years of age, couples are having sex twice a week on average.

Duration of the relationship also plays a part. Studies show that the longer you've been together, the less often you do it.

Here's a key point: If you fall into or near this range of sexual activity. You should focus on quality, rather than worrying about quantity.

But several questions remain:
1. How long are people having sex?
2. Reasons for not having sex this often?
3. What do I mean by quality?

Hmm...sounds like we'll have some stuff to talk about this week.

Stay in touch -

Mark

What Men Can Learn About Sex....from NASCAR?

I know men, we don't like to admit that there is ANYTHING we could learn about sex. But what's the point of good sex anyhow? To create a loving and satisfying experience for BOTH of you. If you're good at it, you will please HER first.

So what does this have to do with NASCAR? Several things:

1. Dale Jr, (in the 88 Amp Energy Drink Chevy Impala) should be our model, our hero when it comes to sex. Why? He hardly ever finishes first.
2. Pit stops should last more than 12 seconds.
3. Following too close is a good thing. :)
4. Two across down the straight away is ok, going 3 wide is dangerous.
5. Like NASCAR, doing the same thing over and over is boring. Spice things up a little.
6. Protective gear is important! Wear a "helmet". The fire suit is over the top.

Get the point? Treat her right and focus on her needs and be a hero in the bedroom.

I'm so glad I didn't need a Dick Trickle reference. (He's a retired NASCAR driver).

Stay in touch -

Mark