Dealing with Her Self-Consciousness

Yesterday we heard from Alyssa Milano that all women are self-conscious at one point or another. And we reviewed some of the signs that you can pick up on that will identify when those moments have arrived. Today I'll give you some tips on how to respond.

First, don't get irritated with her. Think about it. Do you think that she REALLY wants to be stressing over what to wear or how she looks? She's not doing this on purpose, so cut her some slack.

Next, if you're asked one of the dreaded questions - don't panic. Here's what to do. Be honest. (No, not "I don't give a crap, just pick something" honest). Let's review:

Potential question: "Does this make me look fat?",
Your response needs to be honest AND not offensive. IF what she's wearing DOES INDEED make her look somehow less attractive, you need to let her know. You can't say "wow your butt is huge in those jeans". But you can say, "it isn't as good of a look as the other thing you were wearing", or "it isn't really very flattering". There may be a brief period of discomfort, but if you're not a jerk about saying it, she'll appreciate the honesty.

Potential question: "Which shoes should I wear?"
Good answer: "they both look great to me, but I really like these".

Potential question: "Does this look alright?"
If it looks alright, tell her how great she looks. If you've told her previously that something doesn't look good on her, you'll have credibility now. Remember if ever answer is an uninterested "you look fine", you'll have no street cred at this point.

Important tip: Try not to tie being late to telling her she looks good. She'll think you're only saying she looks good to get her out the door. Again, credibility.

That should help.

Stay in touch -

Mark

She's self conscious...sometimes.

Men, here's a quote that you'll want to remember:

"Women are innately self-conscious. This is not a choice; it's a genderwide condition. On a bad day, I look in the mirror and see my ten-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Bertha. On a really bad day, Bertha sees her two-hundred-pound-heavier alter ego. Her name is Brian Dennehy." -- Alyssa Milano

It's one thing to understand that your wife/partner/girlfriend is self conscious. But it's an entirely different thing to understand what that means.

Being self conscious means that she is very self aware. In a best case scenario this would mean that she is balanced in a healthy way and is acutely aware of both her good and bad characteristics. In a less than best case scenario - the bad will out weigh the good (in her mind) and shyness or various insecurities and confidence issues will emerge.

This is the underlying emotion behind the question - 'Does this make me look fat'?

But here's where it gets tricky. Most women are only self conscious some of the time. You'll notice in Alyssa Milano's quote the terms "bad days" and "really bad days". You need to be perceptive enough to pick up on those self conscious moments, and know how to react.

How to pick up on it:
Besides the "does this make me look fat" question - which is a dead give away, you can tell that she's feeling self conscious during the multiple change of clothes episode - where she's tried on 15 different tops. Or when she says "I don't have anything to wear", extra primping in the bathroom, repetitive questions about her looks, or if you find her fishing for compliments.

The key here is that you are paying attention to her and can pick up on the situation. Key number two is reacting properly.

Let's let that sink in for now, and I'll give you some thoughts on how to react tomorrow.

Stay in touch -

Mark