What's Your Trigger?

Today I want you to consider something for me. Think about what conversation that you and your partner simply can't get through without arguing.
Is it about money? Sex? A pesky habit that one of you has that annoying the living hell out of the other?

Now that you have "that" conversation in mind, go a little deeper and ask yourself why? Why can't you get through the conversation without arguing?

Here are a few thoughts and some suggestions for making it better:
1. One of you is defensive. This requires a deeper dive yet, to find out why you're defensive about the topic. What are you protecting? What are you afraid of? Admit this to yourself, and then to her. Sometime, when you're not in the middle of the discussion, you can say "I think I understand what I'm uncomfortable with when we talk about money." And explain it. The idea here is that she will be sensitive to your feelings the next time the discussion comes up.

2. One of you is unreasonable. Let's say the conversation is about money. And you're expectation is that you and your wife can do the groceries for $75 a week. You're being unreasonable. She's probably told you so. But if you don't see it, this pattern is going to continue until it adds really heavy rocks to your emotional luggage (See last week's discussion). What you need is a way to calmly say "I don't think you are being reasonable about this - can we get an objective opinion?" The trick is finding someone who is truly objective.

3. It's a simple difference of opinion. Let's face it, you aren't going to see eye to eye on everything. Agree to disagree, but do it in a civil manner, respecting both sides. Be willing to compromise and give a little. Ultimatums are not the product of a healthy relationship.

One last thought: How often to you have these arguments and how many different conversations trigger them? Hopefully it's a topic or two at the most. If you are arguing all of the time, it's a sign of a deeper problem in the relationship and I would encourage you to get some help right away.

In the mean time, think about WHY you're arguing and sort out that issue. It will make life much more peaceful.

Stay in touch -

Mark