Blur...The Game. The Relationship.

On Friday my daughter introduced me to the video game Blur. Off and on over the weekend I drove through various tracks, shooting cars, earning fans and unlocking events. It's a fun game.

So far (in my limited experience with the game), there are 3 types of cars you can drive and they correlate perfectly to our relationships.

Drifty. In the game, cars with rear wheel drive are better for drifting around corners. In life, this is one of the most deadly relationship issues. Two people in love develop patterns in their relationship and over time because less involved in each other's life and slowly drift apart. The new behaviour becomes the norm, and is acceptable and hardly noticed. You wake up one day months later, to find that you aren't the same couple any more.

Grippy. In Blur, grippy cars handle the curves better. In life, if you're too grippy you can be over bearing and controlling. Give some space, be a good partner. Have and 'hold', yes - but be careful not to lose your individuality.

Balanced. In the game, these cars are not too grippy and not too drifty. They're a little harder to drive, but perform well. Just like your relationship. Being balanced will take some extra work - but it is WAY worth it down the road. Balanced relationships are healthy and last. In this blog and in the book that I'm developing, the focus is on doing things in balance.

I want to talk more about drifting tomorrow, because it is THAT important.

Stay in touch - Happy Memorial Day.

Mark

Surprise Her

Here's an assignment for the men. I want you to do something out of left field for your wife / partner. Anything. You pick. It just has to be a surprise.

Need some ideas you say? Sure.

1. Send her flowers at work - (she'll be the envy of her co-workers).
2. Pick up flowers and a card on your way home from work. Ring the doorbell and leave the flowers on the step. (Be sure to sign it).
3. Take her to lunch.
4. Pamper her with a foot massage tonight after work.
5. Offer to take her shopping for that "thing" she's talked about getting.

Let me talk about #5 for a minute. This is an excellent idea for several reasons.
First, it shows that you've been paying attention during those times that she's talked about getting whatever it is. It also shows that you care enough to initiate getting it. Taking her to get it gives you time together, for something she's interested in. It's a win-win-win.

Guys - periodically adding these little surprises into your life, really goes a long way to make her smile and keep things fresh.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Work it Out Dawg...Work it Out.

In honor of the season finale of American Idol, I'm just "keepin it real" as Randy Jackson would say.

I can't tell you how many times I've heard a scenario like this:
A woman writes: "I separated from my husband last September after being married a short time, with a now 2yr old son. I left because I was sick of being ill treated and knew I didn't deserve it and nor did my son need to witness it. When I left there was no "we can work it out", " I love you", nothing to try and even get me back."

Now that she's gone, guess what? He's "changed". NOW...he wants her back.

If you're in a relationship that is going through significant bumps - work it out.
Don't be stubborn. If you are being told (over and over) that a specific character trait or habit is negatively affecting the relationship - change BEFORE she leaves.

Don't be a flash in the pan and change for a day or two...or a week. Work at it. If there is a character flaw, work to fix it and keep it fixed. Work it out dawg, come on now - bring it.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Communicating Effectively

We're continuing our discussion on communication. For this little series, we have a running scenario of a wife who wants a deck, and a husband who doesn't.

Here are a couple of examples of how not to handle the conversation:

Don't defer the conversation by promising to do something that you have no intention of doing. Don’t say “I’ll call the contractor next week to get an estimate” if you don’t intend to do it.

Don’t be insulting or degrading. If you were to take the “I don’t want a deck” comment from yesterday and insert words like “stupid” or “ugly” or escalate the conversation by inserting profanity, then your message changes for the worse. Saying “I don’t want the stupid deck” is projecting a degrading message, not to the deck, but to your partner. You are calling her idea stupid. Not a good plan.

Cursing sends a different message, but not a whole lot better. “I don’t want that #@%#%$# deck…” indicates that you’re really angry about the idea, and that isn’t the kind of conversation I’m advocating. When you project anger, the conversation can very easily turn into an argument as she responds to your anger, with anger. There’s no need to attempt to hurt anyone’s feelings here. You are partners, on the same team remember?

Stay in touch -

Mark

Don't Be a Code-Talker

I suppose that if I was writing a blog about my own pet peeves, this would be one of the first things written. It really ticks me off, regardless if it’s in the home or office, when people don’t say what they mean. Don’t drop hints, or speak in code and expect me to understand what you mean. Particularly on important topics – please, say what you mean. I understand that there is a specific skill set required to do this and if you don’t communicate well, it could lead to some misunderstandings and arguments, so let’s go over a few tips before I get you into trouble.

For this section we’ll use a scenario where a husband and wife are disagreeing over building a deck with a hot tub in their back yard. She wants it, he doesn’t.

Understand your message. Before you can communicate what you are thinking, it’s important for you to understand it yourself. Know why you feel how you do and be prepared to speak in plane, non-offensive language. He might say “I don’t want the deck because it’s going to take up too much of our back yard.” While she might say “I want the deck because it will give us a great looking place to entertain, and how the house looks is really important to me.” Both of these are valid points and communicate clearly what each person wants.

More communications 101 tomorrow.

Stay in touch -

Mark

Expressway to Your Heart

Arguably, one of the greatest songs of the sixties - by the Soul Survivors.

I've been trying to get to you for a long time, cuz constantly you've been on my mind. I was thinking of a shortcut I could take. But it seems like I made a mistake.

Ooo I was wrong, took too long.
I got caught in the rush hour and fellas started to shower
you with love and affection, now you won't look my direction.
The problem is - he waited too long and got caught in traffic.

So, what's the traffic in your relationship?
Boredom?
Complacency?
Same old routine?
Material things?
Career?

Traffic is anything that gets in the way of you two connecting.

Get off the expressway. Take some back roads and connect. Don't wait until rush hour - it will be too late.

Stay in touch -

Mark

100th Post: What's This All About?

It's hard to believe, but this is my 100th post to this blog. I was looking back through the previous posts and I thought I'd recap what it's been about.

We've shared tips on:
Learning from our mistakes.
Being more romantic.
Being a better partner.
Relationship killers.
Pet Peeves.
How to apologize.
Why we cheat.

We've learned from Tiger, Phil Mickelson and the Beatles.

We've learned a little bit about what women want.

But why? Why am I writing this blog? Well, like many successful ventures - it's a win-win scenario. The win for you is - you're getting really useful information that, if you apply it - will change your relationship for the better.

The win for me is, I'm developing information that I need for my book. "A Few ^MORE Good Men" is the working title of a book that covers much of what we've been talking about for the past 99 posts.

What's Working:
Readers. A solid number of your are reading the blog every day. Some of you catch up and read several pages at once. Either way - thanks for participating.

What's Not Working:
Your feedback. People tell me that it's cumbersome to leave comments on this site. I'd have to take that up with blogger.com - and there isn't much I can do about it. For those of you coming in through my Facebook page, you can leave your comments there. I will also be adding a separate email address for comments.

Sharing. While the numbers (of people viewing the page) are good, I would like more. Please share my posts with your friends on Facebook or via email.

What's Changing:
I will be focusing a little more on writing the book (I haven't touched it in 2 months), which means there may be more information requests from you as I explore different topics.

I have a few other ideas too.

Stay in touch -

Mark